Horror Safari

After an enjoyably trashy opening sequence, in which a group of WWII Japanese soldiers are forced to hide their shipment of gold in a cave when attacked by blood-thirsty head-hunting natives, this jungle-bound adventure movie from prolific producer Dick Randall rapidly turns into a very tedious trek through extremely familiar territory, as a team of modern-day treasure seekers set out to recover the long-lost horde.

Despite a promising premise and an excellent cast of exploitation regulars—including Edmund Purdom (Pieces, Nightmare City), Laura Gemser (the Emanuelle series), Stuart Whitman (Welcome to Arrow Beach, Eaten Alive), and Harold 'Oddjob' Sakata—Invaders of the Lost Gold is instantly forgettable low budget junk that becomes more and more painful with every passing minute.

The story lacks excitement, with much of the film's running time devoted to bickering between characters and unlikely romance rather than on action and adventure, and the whole damn mess just simply isn't exploitative enough: Gemser strips off (I'd have been more surprised if she hadn't), but tasty TV blonde Glynis Barber keeps her clothes on (and I so wanted to see Makepeace nekkid!); there's almost no gore after the opening scene; and the ending totally wimps out, with not a savage native in sight.

If you love to see a group of people tenting in the director's garden and walking from the east end of it to the south end, whilst the voice-over mumbles about myriads of mosquitos, the green hell and the sultriness of the jungle; if you generally love to hear the action instead of seeing it; if you like totally senseless dialogue, the worst acting you can imagine (and, yes, I've seen a lot of them Stuart Whitman and Edmund Purdom films), alligators in the Philippines, minute-long table dance scenes without any relation to the story, a gory beginning and slow-motion falls into the "abyss" (ca. 2,50 metres): THIS IS YOUR FILM. Oh, and yes, Laura Gemser is getting undressed. (That's what I gave the point for).

There's a reason why "Horror Safari" isn't as known or infamous as most of its contemporary Italian jungle adventure-movies like, say, "Cut and Run" or "Massacre at Dinosaur Valley". Despite the cheerful title and a promising sounding plot description on the back of the DVD-cover, it's a tremendously dire and stupid movie. We have a bunch of very unlikable characters searching for a shipment of gold that was left behind in the Phillipines jungle (among a cannibalistic tribe) near the end of WWII. The expedition is put together by a rich bastard and assembles the most incompetent adventurers you've ever seen. The "leader" is an American drunk who's heroic years are long over, one of the original Japanese army commanders that lost the gold in the first place, a black strongman who's far too friendly to be believable, two women that are completely useless and one mean, double-crossing sleazebag. "Horror Safari" feature the absolute weakest death scenes I've ever seen; hands down. Instead of getting torn apart by the cannibals – that have just vanished suddenly, by the way – the characters just fall off of cliffs or walk straight into the open mouths of plastic crocodiles. One poor girl, the dreadfully miscast Laura Gemser, even spontaneously drops dead during a skinny dip! Honestly, if there's anyone who can give a reasonable explanation for Gemser's character dying, please email it to me! This must be one of the worst films ever made, complete with lousy editing, uninspired use of beautiful locations and bad acting with an even worse dubbing. Even the most hardcore fan of Italian cult cinema shouldn't waste one penny on this piece of crap.

Schlock producer Dick Randall almost had a solid "B" movie with Invaders of the Lost Gold. The first third of the film was excellent with a particularly fun bar fight seen augmented by very beautiful lady's gracefully dancing for our enjoyment. Once the premise is set and the whole gang is in the Jungle on a River Boat determined to retrieve the gold which as you can guess is hidden in a Jungle Cave, things really go haywire. If you have ever worked with haywire you will understand the reference. Lovely Laura Gemser (Maria) dies for know apparent reason during a skinny dipping scene, Someone releases a snake into the jungle guides tent for no reason, Harold Sakata (Tobachi) and the great Woody Strode's (Cal) fight to the death scene ends up in a Bro-hug for no reason, On and on we go. The acting is good with the very hot Glynis Barber (Janice) and her father David De Martyn (Douglas) quite believable. Stewart Whitman as leading man (Mark Forest) was also O.K. A special shout out to Harrold Sakata, in his last film, who keeps a sense of humor while everybody else on the boat is either forlorned or angry. The great veteran of many Filipino movies Mike Cohen as the scruffy boat Captain is also notable. I understand that director Alan Birkinshaw has done good work in other endeavors but he really bit the big one with Invaders. Wow, really bad directing and it seemed that he just ran out of any sort of screenplay with thirty minutes remaining in the film. The scene where Woody Strode meets his end would have received a (D-) from any respectable Junior College film class. I am however going to give Invaders of the Lost Gold a recommendation for the talent on screen, and even with the numerous flaws it was still entertaining. With a little more story and better directing Producer Dicky Randall would have had a clear winner.

This won't be easy.

But I have to slag a film starring Goddess Gemser, but I've got little choice.

This ripped off war movies, jungle flicks, and the Cannibal sub-genre, an in every case, poorly. Cliché' characters, crap acting, predictable scenes, and in many cases, unfinished.

I'll pay it one compliment. Gemser is, and always will be beautiful. This got 3 stars out of me just for having her in it. Without her, I probably wouldn't have even bothered.

Despite having talent like Whitman and Strode, the acting was absolute crap. These guys, along with Purdom and Sakata (Oddjob), were obviously picking up a quick paycheck.

Miss it.