- Cocaine Addict: Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction. You ever suck some dick for marijuana?
- Brian: First of all to understand what happened to killer, you gotta understand who killer the dog was. Now killer was born to a three-legged bitch of a mother. He was always ashamed of this, man. And then right after that he's adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz he's a small time gun runner and a rotweiler fight promoter. So he puts killer into training. They see killer's good. He is damn good. But then he had the fight of his life. They pit him against his brother nibbles. And killer said "no man that's my brother, I can't fight nibbles" but they made him fight anyway, and killer, he killed nibbles. Killer said "that's it!" he called off all his fights, and he started doing crack, and he freaked out. Then in a rage, he collapsed, and his heart no longer beat. wow.
- Thurgood: You know uh, I never thought I'd say this to anybody, but you two smoke entirely too much reefer.
- Samson Simpson: I'm going to kill your little Mexican friend
- Scarface: I'm Cuban, B!
- Samson Simpson: Ahhh, yes! Cuban Bee!
- Kenny: [to horse] Hey, girl! You hungry?
- Overweight Woman: [walking by and overhears] Fuck you, nigga!
- Kenny: I'm sorry! I was talking to the horse.
- [last lines]
- Thurgood: [voice over, after throwing the joint in the water] I know... I know what you're thinking. That ol' Thurgood sold out, right?
- Mary Jane: [to Thurgood as they are about to walk over the bridge arm in arm] I'm your girl now.
- Thurgood: [voice over] But let me tell you something. I love weed, okay, I *love it*... but not as much as I love pussy. The end.
- Kenny: You guys gotta get me out of here! There's this guy Nasty Nate who wants my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish! Then The Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I'm his bitch!
- Brian: Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.
- Kenny: That's it?
- Thurgood: Yeah, get me a box of condoms, and, what was that thing we used to eat back in the day? What was it... oh yeah, pussy.
- Kenny: You got it.
- Thurgood: [in a woman's voice] Samson... it's Sheila... M-Momma fell...
- Samson Simpson: Shut up, bitch!
- Enhancement Smoker: You ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill... on weed? Oh, there's some crazy shit, man. There's a dude in the bushes. Has he got a gun? I dunno! RED TEAM GO, RED TEAM GO.
- Thurgood: I be from Jamaica, mon. Lord have mercy.
- Samson Simpson: What part of Jamaica?
- Thurgood: Right near da beach. Boy-eeee!
- Thurgood: So, now we all live together in New York. I myself, am a master of the custodial arts. Or a janitor, if you wanna be a dick about it.
- Thurgood: The MacGyver smoker is a very handy guy to have around, especially when it comes to reefer.
- McGuyver Friend: Hey, man, we're out of papers.
- McGuyver Smoker: All right. Then get me a toilet paper roll, a corkscrew and some tin foil.
- McGuyver Friend: We don't have a corkscrew.
- McGuyver Smoker: All right. Then get me an avocado, an ice pick and my snorkel.
- McGuyver Smoker: [Friend looks at him funny] Trust me, bro. I've made bongs with less. Hurry up!
- Thurgood: It was the summer before 9th grade, and there was me, Brian, Kenny, Scarface, and of course the lovable Old James... hold on, wait a minute... Old James... Old James wasn't there... I don't even know nobody named Old James.
- [Old James disappears]
- Thurgood: You know I got some weed at work today, if y'all wanna try it out.
- Scarface: Nah, we don't feel like smokin right now.
- Thurgood: Me neither. So y'all wanna smoke?
- Scarface: I'll get Billy Bong Thornton!
- Brian: No man. No Billy Bong Thornton without Kenny. That wouldn't be right. Get Wesley Pipes. Yeah!
- Brian: I'm not gonna do what everyone thinks I'm gonna do and... FLIP OUT man... all I wanna know is... who's coming with me? Who's coming, man? Who's coming with me?
- Historian Smoker: You know, back in the sixties we used to smoke this shit on the street. Cops didn't say nothin', hell, they was gettin' high, too. Everybody was good. It wasn't a thing to do because it was a thing to do, you know? It was a thing to do because it got you high. Can you dig it?
- Thurgood: Oh, I feel you, that's why I'm doin' it. I feel you. Man, you're cool as shit, mister. I hate to do it, but I gotta charge you. That's sixty bucks.
- Historian Smoker: Sixty bucks? Man, I remember when a dimebag cost a dime, you know what I mean? You know how much condoms used to cost back in them days?
- Thurgood: How much?
- Historian Smoker: I don't know, we never used 'em.
- [both start laughing]
- Squirrel Master: Back up Nasty Nate, this my bitch!
- Nasty Nate: Better watch your back Fish! Squirrel Master ain't gonna be there for you all the time. Next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail... FRUIT!
- Kenny: Here take it!
- [walks away with Squirrel Master]
- Kenny: I'm somebody's bitch!
- Thurgood: Smoka Lot opened up to me like I was Barbara Walters. It was ridiculous, he told me about his lawyer...
- Sir Smoka Lot: He had sex with my momma! Why?
- Thurgood: Spirituality...
- Sir Smoka Lot: God, if you listenin', help!...
- Thurgood: His bad back...
- Sir Smoka Lot: The doctor said I need a backiotomy.
- Thurgood: His love life...
- Sir Smoka Lot: I'm impotent, man! Get away from me, biatch!
- Thurgood: [as Smoka Lot pushes a girl aside] I mean, talk about a guy with problems.
- Thurgood: I've heard people say you don't get high the first time you smoke. Not me. No-o, not us. WE were really, REALLY high. We was to' up!
- Kenny: No. NO. NO! Devil man! Devil 6-6-6, the mark of the beast! No! Naughty! Naughty jungle of love!
- Kenny: In eleven days I'm as good as skewered! Ever take your clothes off and run backwards through a cornfield?
- I'm Only Creative When I Smoke Smoker: Would you like to hear some of my poetry?
- Thurgood: Not really, no.
- I'm Only Creative When I Smoke Smoker: You really should. "I have killed. I have helped kill. I have killed part of myself. I cannot change this. I... I must seek Buddha. I must seek Christ."
- Thurgood: You must seek therapy. But that's just where I would go with that.
- Sir Smoka Lot: Bitch! You know what I want! Hahahahaha! I wanna talk to Samson! Fly me to the moon like that bitch Alice Kramden! 'Cause it's hard being black and gifted! Sometimes I wanna throw it all down and get lifted!