Uma Arma, Um Carro, Uma Loira

The talents of Billy Bob Thornton, Kay Lenz, John Ritter and Andrea Thompson aren't enough to salvage this crass and unimaginative drivel about Richard (Jim Metzler), a man with spinal cancer who discovers he can escape the pain for awhile through the use of `Objectification therapy.' By submerging himself into what is essentially a deep daydream, he is able to transport himself into an imaginary, black-and-white film noir world in which he is a Private Eye named Rick Stone. Apparently, director Stefani Ames had a limited shooting schedule on this film; too many scenes play like they were done in a single take with no rehearsal, as if the actors came away from the table after the initial cold reading with the cameras already rolling. Though obviously attempting to evoke the B-movies of the forties, the dialogue is laughably bad, especially in the black-and-white segments. Metzler's character, a cancer victim no less, is inexplicably unsympathetic, and Kay Lenz will not be getting a career boost from her turn as Richard's shrewish sister, `Peep.' Billy Bob Thornton and John Ritter will always have `Sling Blade,' and at least Andrea Thompson was lucky enough to escape this sort of fare for a spot on TV's `NYPD Blue.' The unfortunates rounding out the supporting cast include Victor Love, Norma Maldonado and Paula Marshall. The best thing that can be said about this film is that it makes one appreciate a really good movie. Where's Bogart or Mitchum when you need them? I rate this one 1/10.

Take a pinch of "The Man Who Wasn't There", add some "Misery", a dash of "Police Squad!" and a hint of "Rear Window"... I'm not sure what you'll get, but it'll probably be as unusual as "A Gun, a Car, a Blonde".

I'll forewarn you, this movie is for fans of plays. By that I mean the pacing is natural (i.e. slow), and the presentation is pretty minimal (half the movie happens in 2 rooms of a house while much of the other half happens in a Cadillac). But like a good play, the dialogue is well-written which makes up for the lack of exploding cars and space robots. The dialogue ranges from the philosophical, such as discussing Milton's thoughts on the human soul, to the hilariously absurd, such as:

Jade: Boys will be boys.

Rick: Not me, I like to be a girl.

Jade: I find that difficult to believe.

Rick: Want to see my garter belt?

With such bizarre changes in tone, it can be pretty challenging to keep up. But for the most part (if it's not obvious in the example above), much of this movie is tongue-in-cheek and not to be taken seriously. The black & white scenes are meant to be a spoof of the old 40s detective thrillers. And while this is not a side-splitting comedy, it has a satirical feel to it which is good for some good lol moments.

The story is about a cynical man who, suffering through a painful ordeal, finds momentary distractions in imagining himself as the hero in an old film noir. As the movie progresses, we see his fantasy world mimic his real world, and the parallels create some interesting revelations for both the main character as well as us, the audience. Some parts are deliberately obvious while others pack a few interesting surprises.

What makes this film work, aside from the excellent script, is the great acting all around. The playful yet profound banter between Jim Metzler and John Ritter is priceless, and the crazy characters played by Billy Bob Thornton and Kay Lenz are fun to watch. Incidentally, if you don't immediately recognize Kay Lenz, here's a hint: she was the hippy chick Breezy in the 1973 flick "Breezy" directed by Clint Eastwood. Suffice it to say her role here is nothing like that. More like Peg from "Married with Children".

It should also be noted that the director/writer Stefani Ames is an accomplished photographer and sculptor. That means there are some nice artistic scenes throughout the film. It's odd that this is her only film credit, but apparently she's been focusing on sculpture for the last few years.

Another note: The music is excellent and, as far as I'm concerned, the title song "A Gun, a Car, a Blonde" sung by sultry jazz singer Vann Johnson, is worth the price of admission.

Final note: there's some nudity (full frontal female & rear male) but it's done artistically and has symbolic visual significance. Probably more shocking than that is hearing John Ritter saying the f word. I'm not sure I've ever heard that come out of Jack Tripper's mouth!

Don't miss the opportunity to see this film or even own the DVD so you can watch multiple times. There aren't a lot of films I can compare this to because it's so unusual. But if you liked the Coen bros film "The Man Who Wasn't There" (2001) or possibly "Phoebe in Wonderland" (2008) and such fantasy-blends-reality films as "Fisher King" & "Brazil"... and along with the stage plays "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" and "Long Day's Journey into Night" I think you'll really like this.

Everyone involved with this shyster of a movie must probably now be wanting to pay to have it burned. What a description defying disappointment. I don't think anyone comes out of this unscathed - what were they thinking...Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid? The lighting and Camera personnel try but everything else leaves them high and dry. Billy Bob Thornton doesn't pick his roles all that well, in fact, just seems to want the money - can't any longer see him as a recommendation to see a movie. This one also looks like it was a back yard production shot on VHS and doesn't even have enough pacing to be a good, bad movie! Only for the easily pleased.

i gave this movie an 8 out of 10 rating, but now that i think about it, it deserves at least a nine. it is one of those movies that, once it's over, you're not quite sure what you think about it. and then, about 10 minutes later, you realize it's really, really good.

aside from thornton and ritter, the cast is fairly low-profile, but there's no lack of talent here. as for the script, the film is a well-written homage to poorly-written film noir private dick movies from the 30s & 40s, but at the same time does not detract from its (the movie's) main plot.

and, in the tradition of poorly-written film noir private dick movies, it has some lines that are so bad they're good, like

"How can I hold anything against you when you hold me against you?"

basically, if you want to feel good without that cheesy disney aftertaste, rent this movie.

Found this DVD for five dollars ($5.00) in a discount store and was very entertained by the great musical sounds and Andrea Thompson, (The Blonde/Jade Norflect), "NYPDBlue 2000", who decided to become Eve in the Garden of Eden and appeared stark naked from head to toe. This story revolves around Jim Metzler, (Richard/Rick Stone) "Under the Influence",'02, who has a spinal problem which requires he stays in a a wheel chair; however, Richard is very well off and has plenty of help. Richard meets up with John Ritter, (Duncan/Bartender), who gives Richard a few ideas about leaving his body in a mystical manner and plays the role of another person. This suggestion pays off and Richard is able to play a sort of Sam Spade type of detective who has a blonde gal as a client or so called playmate. This film greatly surprised me and for some reason, never realized it was released on the silver screen.