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I love this movie like it's a woman. The reviewers have once again missed the ferry -- what we have here, folks, is an honest to God(ard) B-movie tone poem, an exercise in sensual, physical, SURFACE beauty that will send any self-respecting Keatsian aesthete straight to Hyperion ( the palace of visionaries, not the Miramax book division. ) Thanks to director Michael Radford -- who I wrongly assumed to be eighty or ninety years of age on the basis of his last movie, Il Postino -- B. Monkey is as seductive as the single bar of red neon that illuminates the opening shot. The movie will surely gain minor but devoted cult status in the years to come, while its lead actress, Asia Argento, will probably have to buy a house with very tall gates. ( Because I'm quite tall myself, and a good climber. )

How to describe B. Monkey without resorting to banal adjectives like you'd find on cartons of Haagen-Daz, "luscious" and "velvety"? Well, I see it as sort of a disreputable cousin to Bertolucci's ravishing Besieged; other people, no doubt less pretentious, will compare it to the kind of movie Steven Soderbergh has been making lately -- a cool, jazz-inflected, proudly inconsequential genre flick. But Radford has his own style -- impossibly trendy -- and he's a genius at evoking the loneliness and beauty of big cities everywhere.

This is a director's movie, to be sure, but make no mistake: Asia Argento is no slouch when it comes to decorating the frame. She's compact, tough, and fierce-eyed, her unconventional beauty only enhanced by a strong nose that would look terrific underneath a centurion's helmet. Like Louise Brooks or Anna Karina, she's a vamp for the ages, mesmerizing for no good reason ( much like the movie itself. ) It doesn't hurt that she's matched with the brilliant Jared Harris, whose interior performance perfectly complements her exterior one, or that the atavistically lordly Rupert Everett is on hand to do his Wilde thing. Even pretty boy Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is a bit more animated than usual; he throws open car doors briskly and with conviction.

Yes, the plot is inane. No, it doesn't really matter. B. Monkey, in the end, amounts to no more nor less than the sum of its impressionistic moments. The world is a glittering tomb where we all languish in oh-so-gorgeous isolation, or something. As Jared Harris says early in the movie, deejaying at a local hospital: "This next one is for all you romantics out there. Get well soon."

It isn't quite a genre, but there sure is a tightly related collection of films that rely on an actress to charm us.

The form is simple: find a woman with intrinsic energy, and shape a story to pull that out. We fall in love just like the usually helpless guy in the story. Events surround and threaten, all designed to highlight the specific charms of the focus and show that we (through our representative) will stick with the girl.

Its a simple narrative fold, a trick to engage us in the story. The story is the girl, and the tighter we follow her, the more we are drawn into the story.

The problem of course is that its all designed to pull us in, with nothing of value happening while we are in. The usual solution is to acknowledge that and make a point of the future being empty, deliberately so. So Deckard goes of with Rachel into a void. Its about the staying, the belonging.

There are only three real values in this. Does the girl charm? Is the story and the charming integrated? What's the world they send us into at the end?

This girl is the daughter of a filmmaker who specializes in doing violence to such characters, layering heavy noir dynamics on them. So there's that. She's particularly seductive in an aggressive way, not at all say, like Dalle in Betty Blue, where we the viewer are complicit in the seduction. Dalle matters. We carry her away after the film.

Our girl here is nude a few times as if that matters a lot. The hapless guy is a radio storyteller, teacher, musician, champion of social justice as if we needed more than one anchor.

She's also a wonderful thief, as if we needed some "Ms 45" seduction, that sort of ping when the sex is with someone who has killed. So its all overloaded.

The last 20 minutes is close to lovely. Its been done before, this business of painting a derelict room in the wild. (I recently saw it to good effect in Stromboli.) Our girl turns lovely in the country. But its the sideshow with two gay friends that makes this worth watching.

These guys are played by Rupert Everett and Jonathan Rhys Meyers. If you study narrative, you'll appreciate how this backstory supports the whole. Its quite lovely because she is most sexual, nude and loved when in the company of these men. It gives her an excuse to show us that she is inherently seduction, not deliberately so. It provides a footing for love that is outside of sex, and though based on obsession and addiction transcends them by using them.

Everett really seems to understand this. Its his best performance by far. You almost fall in love with him instead of her by misdirection, because that's where the passion is. So it works, sex without sex, love by capture.

Ted's Evaluation -- 3 of 3: Worth watching.

This movie is basically carried by the two leads (particularly Asia Argent, daughter of Dario Argento) and by Rupert Everett in a supporting role. The script is average and the plot a tad too obvious at times, but Argento catches fire on camera and does a very good job. If you like action-thrillers, by all means watch thi one. Recommended.

"B.Monkey" is the perfect example of a romantic thriller!Asia Argento plays Beatrice/B.Monkey-the thief who wants to quit with her profession.She loves Alan(Jared Harris),a teacher of small children.The film is really enjoyable and very well-acted-Asia Argento,a daughter of famous Italian horror maestro Dario Argento is really talented!She provides also some great nude scenes!The violence is kept to minimum,but there's a lot of cursing!8 out of 10-worth checking out,especially if you're a fan of Asia Argento!

Saw this film the other night on cable. Michael Radford's "Il Postino" had played the night before, and never are there two more different films than "B Monkey" and the other one! The novel by Andrew Davies was a joy and it's translation to the screen suffers because of the adaptation we see in front of our eyes. It appears this movie has been badly chopped up as indicated by comments by Mr. Radford.

This is a film about opposite characters that attract one another in ways that in other circumstances, they wouldn't have met. We meet the nerdish Alan Furnace, a teacher who also volunteers at a hospital where he loves to play jazz at night. He is fond of the great Django Reinhardt, a legend guitarist, whose records one hears on the background.

Beatrice is a young woman with a past. She is trying to get out of that life and the unsavory characters around her. When she meets Alan, she has no clue of what is going to happen to her, but she falls for him. Alan wants to get out of London to a quieter and more subdued atmosphere in which he feels Beatrice will feel happy too.

Beatrice's past gets in the way as Paul and Bruno come to interrupt the idyllic home life Alan and Beatrice have made for themselves, but in spite of the dangers, in an ironic twist, the couple finally manage to find peace in their newly found paradise.

Jared Harris is perfect as Alana. Asia Argento gives a complex reading on Beatrice a role that offers her a lot of opportunities. Rupert Everett and Jonathan Rhys Meyers make good contributions to the film.

The original film score by Luis Bacalov, a contributor to Mr. Radford in "Il Postino", is easy on the ears. The other non original songs are well selected and give the film another texture.

Although Mr. Radford did his best with the film, one can only recommend the viewer to check out Andrew Davies novel that is the basis of the movie.