- Jamesie Cotter: [Rab has been told that he has only a year to live if he doesn't stop drinking. He's shared this with his drinking pals who include Andra and Dodie. This news has scared Jamesie into wanting to give up the demon drink] Rab, you and me, we go back a longs ways together.
- Rab C. Nesbitt: Aye, we dae, we dae, we dae, aye...
- Jamesie Cotter: We started goin in tae pubs together, then we went on tae secondary school.
- Rab C. Nesbitt: Aye, what's the point, what's the point...!
- Jamesie Cotter: The point, yae big wet slopbledger is - if you're on yer way oot with yer liver like an insole, then so are we! Cos we huv matched you pint for pint for the last 25 bloody years!
- Andra: BASTARD!
- Jamesie Cotter: [passionately] Rab, there's that much to live for! I mean even a man as yersel must have some ambitions left, somethin you want to do before you finally shuffle off this mortal coil!
- Jamesie Cotter: Of course I've got ambitions, of course I've got ambitions.
- Jamesie Cotter: What are they, Rab?
- Rab C. Nesbitt: Jist oncest, Jist oncest. I wid like tae be able talk tae you withoot feelin... like I've jist gargled wie *Preparation X!
- Rab C. Nesbitt: [to the audience] What a business, all because I take a wee drink, eh... Tell yae wan thing - see all this shoutin? It does not half give yae a helluva thirst.
- Stranger: [handing Rab a bottle of booze from off screen] That's the game, pal, you tell them. There's nuthin the matter wie a wee drink.
- Rab C. Nesbitt: [pleased] Oh... Who the hell are you by the way?
- Stranger: Ah c'mon, Rab. Use your imagination
- [the camera away cuts to the stranger who is revealed to be a pink elephant in a suit and cap]
- Stranger: I'm the heebie Jeebie.
- [the pink elephant starts shaking its head and making funny noises at Rab]
- Rab C. Nesbitt: [spitting out the drink and screaming in fear] Heebie jeebie!
- Peter The Warlock: [to Rab] Now if you'll excuse me I have a unicorn to sacrifice and a virgin to deflower.
- [to three of the guys as he leaves the pub]
- Peter The Warlock: see you's.
- Dodie: He must be a warlock right enough to huv found a unicorn in Govan.
- Jamesie Cotter: He must be Sherlock Holmes to huv found a virgin.
- TV Announcer: And now for the lottery numbers - which are, funnily enough, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12, and the bonus number 13.
- Rab C. Nesbitt: What? I chose 26, but it's 7, 8, 9, 12!
- [to Mary]
- Rab C. Nesbitt: Ah, love!
- [...speaking to his hand, after he lost the lottery]
- Rab C. Nesbitt: You, you are the hand that bought the ticket, I'll give ya...
- [beats his hand up with the chip pan before it breaks, and Mary tries to stop him]
- Nurse: [Mary has gone under a serious operation in hospital. But something unforseen has happened as she lies in bed afterwards] I'm afraid your stitches have burst, Mrs. Nesbitt.
- Mary Nesbitt: Oh, thank goodness for that, nurse. For a minute there I though I'd pissed mysel.
- Rab C. Nesbitt: If the Good Lord had wanted us to know about cuisine, he would never have given us crispy pancakes.