- Darcy Kelso: What's your name comrade?
- Ted Bullpitt: Oh, here we go. Bullpit.
- Darcy Kelso: Bullpit. Nice name!
- Ted Bullpitt: Ey? Most people think it sounds like...
- Darcy Kelso: I can imagine! But most people don't have a friend called Greg Fluck!
- Ted Bullpitt: [to his pet goldfish] You're looking a bit fat, Keiren. Time for some laps. Go on, round you go. That's it.
- Ted Bullpitt: I'd never put that cat in the spin drier and turn it on high for 2 hours. I love that bloody cat.
- Terri Bertolucci: [Talking to Ted who is under hypnosis channeling a former life] So, you're Pirate Bullpit? What do you do?
- Ted Bullpitt: Arghhh, I protect the trees. If anyone tries to chop them down, I tell them "The Kings wood. You're not taking the Kings wood.
- Dr. Hyrundi Khan: I will cook for you some traditional Bangladesh food.
- Ted Bullpitt: I hate Bangladeshi wog food. I hate it. Yuck. Yuck. Vomit. Vomit. Now get out.
- Dr. Hyrundi Khan: It is free, Mr. Bullpit.
- Ted Bullpitt: Oh! In that case, the kitchen is over there.
- Ted Bullpitt: The name's Ted Bullpit.
- Johnno Johnstone: Pardon?
- Ted Bullpitt: Bullpit.
- Johnno Johnstone: Oh, I thought you said...
- Ted Bullpitt: [Interupts] Yeah, everybody says that.
- Archbishop: I remember I was standing next to sir Desmond Bishop Tutu, who turned to me and said... .
- [Someone farts]
- Archbishop: ... who turned to me and said...
- [Someone else farts]
- Archbishop: ... and... uh... .
- [Someone farts again]
- Archbishop: ... Sir Desmond Tutu turned and said to me, have you heard the church bells?
- [Another fart]
- Archbishop: ... The bells had been donated by the church farters, err, fathers...
- [Another fart]
- Archbishop: ... I see no point in continuing with my talk. Thank you very much.
- [Archbishop sits down and farts]
- Ted Bullpitt: [Watching a horror film] Uh, oh. There's a bloke in a dress. Are you sure this isn't SBS?
- Ted Bullpitt: Thanks for the free tucker.
- [Closes door on neighbours]
- Ted Bullpitt: Bloody good doing neighbours, now I've gotta wash the plate.
- Ted Bullpitt: [Opens door] Oh, god. It's you. Look, it wasn't me who threw Madge Burrows cat in the swimming pool.
- Samantha MacDonald: What? When did that happen?
- Ted Bullpitt: 'Bout an hour ago.
- Ted Bullpitt: It is an emergency. Me dunnies blocked.
- Samantha MacDonald: Just like your head, its full of...
- Ted Bullpitt: Watch it you. Remember, I pay your salary.
- Darcy Kelso: I just happen to have this card. I get a spotters fee.
- Ted Bullpitt: "Call Gino and Dino plumbing. Get the wogs for your bogs"
- Ted Bullpitt: Ha. Ha. Johnno wears a a wig! Johnno wears a wig!
- Johnno Johnstone: I do not. It's all natural.
- Ted Bullpitt: Yeah, right. That's why you drive a Falcon. It's not fast enough to blow it off.
- Ted Bullpitt: Someone should blow Magpies up. Which is what I'm going to to. I'll handle this the Bullpit way. By sticking a cracker up it's clacker.
- Gwen the Ranger: Mr Bullpit. Are you aware it's illegal to feed a laxative to a magpie?
- Ted Bullpitt: I was only trying to help it. I felt sorry for it. It had constipation.
- Gwen the Ranger: How do you know that?
- Ted Bullpitt: Probably from trying to pass the egg with superglue I put on it.
- Gwen the Ranger: Did this greyhound die of natural causes?
- Ted Bullpitt: Sort of. It was a ride-on-mower accident.
- Joan Collins: I once had a fabulous weekend with the 3 Stooges.
- Ted Bullpitt: You mean you met Larry, Curly and Moe?
- Joan Collins: Not in that order!
- Darcy Kelso: Good news Grumble-one Kenobi. Your toilets fixed.
- Ted Bullpitt: Good. I don't have to run down to the gymnasium when I need to go. I almost made it once!
- Samantha MacDonald: Welcome to Whispering Pines. Here's some fruit.
- Ted Bullpitt: I don't eat fruit. Birds poop on fruit.
- Samantha MacDonald: It's green icing, flowing down...
- Muriel Johnstone: Yes... someone left the cake out in the rain.
- Samantha MacDonald: [Repeated Line] Good, anyway...