O Guerreiro da Estrela Polar

I cant even bring myself to write much about this gem but to say it was just awful. Easily one of the worst movies I have ever seen. There was a point while watching that I thought 'is this a joke? are they making fun?' but I concluded that this was no joke. The acting was as bad as the writing and the effects were just terrible. The lead character who could not act to save his life had what were supposed to be scars, they looked like condoms stuck to his body, some of which seemed to be peeling off!! How much did Malcolm McDowell need a paycheck to show up even for the 3 minutes he was on screen? Or Chris Penn who was probably the only half way believable character, even in the outlandish costume he was forced to wear? This film is a complete mess so I would say, unless you want to watch one of the worse movies ever made...avoid this one.

FIST OF THE NORTH STAR

Aspect ratio: 1.85:1

Sound format: Ultra-Stereo

Low-budget Americanization of the Japanese manga 'Hokuto no Ken' - already the subject of an earlier anime feature and TV series - in which a mystical warrior (British-born martial arts expert Gary Daniels) defends the survivors of an unspecified global holocaust from an evil warlord (Costas Mandylor) who intends to rebuild the planet in his own image. Photographed by A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET's Jacques Haitkin through layers of murk designed to conceal a multitude of budgetary deficiencies, and 'distinguished' by flashy editing and gymnastic camera-work designed to conceal the lack of a comprehensible plot, Tony Randel's unconvincing future noir trades the visionary outlook of the original graphic novel for the same lumbering, humorless approach which typified this particular subgenre before US producers *finally* learned how to imitate their Asian counterparts. Though brutal in places, particularly during the final confrontation between Daniels and Mandylor, the film actually *downplays* the gory carnage of its source material, which will disappoint those expecting a more faithful adaptation.

A popular figure in this kind of DTV potboiler, Daniels was clearly hired for his fighting skills rather than his acting, and he's upstaged throughout by many of his co-stars (including Chris Penn, Melvin Van Peebles and Malcolm McDowell). Thankfully, Randel makes a virtue of Daniels' handsome face and muscular torso, and there's an unmistakable whiff of homoerotic tension in the aggressive relationship between Daniels and his equally handsome nemesis.

Satisfying only in an uncut video version, this outlandish martial arts costume piece relies strictly on lots of spraying blood, loud screaming and tensed muscles to makes it's inevitable point. Gary Daniels' sleek physique makes the best impression, along with Chris Penn's exploding head.

Anyone who's read the original manga or, er, 'witnessed' the anime may question the wisdom of a live-action remake, what with all the slightly extravagant fisticuffs involved. But don't worry: it hasn't been turned into a blood-free pacifism-fest with Kenshiro strutting around in sandals and a tweed waistcoat preaching the ways of non-violent protest to the post-holocaust plebs. Oh no. There's plenty of fights in here, mate. And some of them are even quite entertaining.

There have been concessions to your average action film punter who's probably never even heard of the original, however. The storyline has been simplified (in the sense of at least one major character being dropped and a couple of others rolled into one) and a more familiar Hollywood flavour given to the future wasteland scenario, so that the whole thing occasionally teeters on the brink of suddenly turning into Mad Max II. But it doesn't, so that's alright. It manages to stick to the basic story thread of one bloke being the Fist of the North Star, another bloke being the Master of Southern Cross and 'the teachings' apparently dictating that the two must never fight... for a while, anyway, then it happily bins this ridiculous idea and gets everyone in to have a good old-fashioned scrap. So it's all pretty straightforward at the end of the day.

Straight-to-video martial arts ponce Gary Daniels does somehow look the part as Kenshiro, and as his Aussie twang isn't called into play too frequently you don't keep expecting Home And Away's Alf Stewart to turn up with chins retracted and demand that "You get out of my store, young Ken." His nemesis, Shin, is played by some other even less famous bloke, while Reservoir Dogs' Chris Penn gets to be another nutter and the unavoidable Malcolm McDowell chips in a deeply strenuous performance as a bloke who gets killed in the first five minutes. Apart from that it's a cast of nobodies. Spot the irony.

But despite offering nothing spectacular or stunningly innovative to the world, Fist isn't as bad as it could have been. It's definitely a bit shaky all round, yes, but the exploding heads and bursting arteries are fairly well done and that's all any version of the story ever had going for it really, so at least you can't complain about the budget being spent in all the wrong places.

I love the anime version. I knew this one would be a train wreck, but had to check it out. The fights bored me to tears. The guy playing Kenshiro looked too much like Kevin Nealon in a bad wig for me to take seriously. The fact that Downtown Julie Brown was the best actor in the mess should be enough to warn you away. Kenshiro's head-exploding move looked like something out of hot shots part deux. A for effort, but they just weren't up the task.