- [Dracula is outside Mina's room]
- Dracula: [to the maid] Essie... Essie... Your eyelids are growing heavy You will sleep... sleep.
- [Essie nods off to sleep]
- Dracula: Mina... Mina, open your eyes!
- [she does]
- Dracula: Arise, Mina.
- [she does]
- Dracula: Walk to the door.
- [Mina opens a door, and goes inside]
- Dracula: Mina... you are in the closet. Open the door, and come out.
- [she does]
- Dracula: Now walk to the Terrace Door. Watch out for the foot...
- [too late! Mina trips over the footstool, and goes flying]
- Dracula: Stool. Stand up.
- [Essie and Mina both rise]
- Dracula: Not you. Sit!
- [Mina sits]
- Dracula: No, not you, *you* sit.
- [Essie sits]
- Dracula: *You* stand.
- [both stand]
- Dracula: No! Sit!
- [both sit]
- Dracula: No, you stand!
- [both stand]
- Dracula: You walk to the Terrace Door and you go back to sleep! *Watch out!*
- [Essie and Mina bump into one another and fall to the floor. Dracula throws his arms in frustration]
- [after Van Helsing and Johnanthan have returned from driving a stake through Lucy's heart]
- Dr. Seward: I don't understand it! he's covered in blood and there's not a drop on you!
- Van Helsing: I have been to many stakings- you have to know where to stand! You know, everything in life is location, location, location...
- Martin: [throwing Renfield back into his cell] You'll stay in here 'til you rot!
- [locks door]
- Martin: [Renfield starts sobbing and Martin comes in a second later] Well, you're free to go!
- Renfield: Free to go? Why? How?
- Martin: Good behavior.
- Renfield: But I've only been in here for a moment.
- Martin: Well for that moment, your behavior was very good.
- Van Helsing: Count Dracula. Hmm, curious. Are you descended from Vlad Tepes? The first Dracula?
- Dr. Seward: Tepes?
- Van Helsing: Ya. It means 'The Impaler.' He was a blood-thirsty butchah. He inflicted unspeakable tortures on the peasants: cutting off their hands and feet, gouging out their eyes and then impaling them on iron spikes!
- Dracula: [slowly, venomously] They had it coming.
- [Dracula is hypnotizing a valet at the theatre where Doctor Seward is enjoying an opera]
- Dracula: You vill tell Doctor Seward there is a message for him in the lobby... and you will remember nothing of what I tell you.
- [the valet goes to open Seward's chambers and nods her head. She opens the curtain to Seward's chambers and stands there with her mouth open for a few moments, then closes the curtain]
- Usherette: [noticing Dracula standing there] Hello, can I help you sir?
- Dracula: [mimicking her] Can I help you sir?
- [normally]
- Dracula: What's wrong with you, why did you not tell him?
- Usherette: About what?
- Dracula: About the message!
- Usherette: For whom?
- Dracula: Never mind! I vill tell him myself. And for your miserable performance, you will receive no tip!
- Usherette: No tip?
- Dracula: Ah! That, you remember!
- Renfield: Yes, I'm schh-eduled to meet Count Dracula.
- Villager #1: [horrified] Dracula!
- Villager #2: [horrified] Dracula!
- Villager #3: [horrified] Dracula!
- Villager #4: ...Schh-eduled?
- Jonathan Harker: Are you saying that Count Dracula is our vampire?
- Van Helsing: Yes!... and no...
- Jonathan Harker: Then what are you saying?
- Van Helsing: I'm saying no. But I'm leeeeaning towards yes.
- Dr. Seward: Then you're saying yes.
- Van Helsing: No.
- Dr. Seward: Then you're saying no.
- Van Helsing: Not necessarily.
- Jonathan Harker: You sound dubious.
- Van Helsing: No -I'm positive!
- Jonathan Harker: Of what?
- Van Helsing: Of my theory!
- Jonathan Harker: And that would be?
- Van Helsing: The theory of Yes- or no.
- Lucy Westenra: I know you've always wanted me, and I've always wanted you. Finally we can be together.
- Jonathan Harker: But Lucy, I'm engaged to Mina... and you're dead.
- Lucy Westenra: I'm not dead. I'm undead.
- Jonathan Harker: Yes, well, I'm not unengaged.
- [after becoming a vampire, Lucy comes on to Jonathan]
- Jonathan Harker: But Lucy, I'm British!
- [Lucy reveals her cleavage]
- Lucy Westenra: But so are these!
- Renfield: [as the two Vampire brides climb into his bed] What are you on about? What's all this then? Who are you people? I-I'll have you know that's my knee you're straddling!
- Renfield: [they start to gyrate on top of him] No, Stop! Stop it at once! Oh! Ah... No, no this is wrong! This is wrong! This is wrong, do you hear me, wrong! this is-
- [He starts to moan]
- Renfield: WRONG ME! WRONG ME! WRONG MY BRAINS OUT!
- Dracula: [in a dream walking about in the daylight thinking it's real] It is so bright! So many colors! And the sun is so warm!
- [Spots a couple having a picnic]
- Dracula: Hello, young lovers! I could not help but smell your lovely picnic. Could I presume to ask you for a piece of your chicken?
- Young Lover at Picnic: Surely, sir!
- Lover at Picnic: Some wine, sir?
- Dracula: I never drink... wine. Oh, what the hell. Let me try it.
- [Takes a drink]
- Dracula: It's good!
- Renfield: Master, master!
- Dracula: Renfield, look at me! I am drinking wine, and eating chicken!
- Renfield: Master, what are you doing out in the daytime?
- Dracula: Relax, Renfield, I am cured!
- Renfield: No, no you're not, look!
- Dracula: [Sees himself burning] I made a mistake! I've got to get back to my coffin!
- [Starts running in place before waking up in his coffin screaming]
- Dracula: It's nighttime! It wasn't real. I was... having a daymare.
- Dr. Seward: Count Dracula, allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing of London University. He's a doctor of rare diseases as well as theology and philosophy.
- Van Helsing: And gynaecology.
- Dr. Seward: Oh, I didn't know you had your hand in that, too.
- Dracula: [after rising from his coffin and hitting his head on a chandelier] I must move the coffin or the chandelier.
- Dr. Seward: [to Martin, about Renfield] Put him in a straitjacket and give him an enema! Wait, give him an enema FIRST, then put him in a straitjacket!
- Renfield: [upon seeing two voluptuous vampire women - one rubbing a table seductively, the other rubbing the bedpost seductively] My God! What are you doing to the furniture?
- [Jonathan had just impaled Lucy, and was hit by two rounds of blood]
- Jonathan Harker: Oh! This is - this is ghastly!
- Van Helsing: Yes, you're right. We should have put newspapers down!
- [Renfield is having breakfast with Dr. Seward. He sees a bug on the table and eats it]
- Dr. Seward: I was just telling Ma... what was that?
- Renfield: Huh?
- Dr. Seward: You just grabbed something from the table.
- Renfield: I did not.
- Dr. Seward: Yes you did, I saw you, you put it in your mouth. I think it was an insect.
- Renfield: [thinks of an alibi] Oh, that was a raspberry.
- Dr. Seward: Raspberry? We're not serving raspberries.
- Renfield: Then it must have been a raisin. I guess it fell off the muffin. See? There's one missing.
- [the two men laugh. Renfield sees a spider coming towards him, and he quickly eats it up]
- Dr. Seward: How silly of me! It must have been my imagina... there, you did it again!
- Renfield: Huh?
- Dr. Seward: You just put a bug in your mouth. I think it was a spider!
- Renfield: I did not.
- Dr. Seward: Yes, you did.
- Renfield: I did not.
- Dr. Seward: Yes, you did.
- [this goes on for two and a half rounds]
- Dr. Seward: [shouts] I tell you I saw you snatch a spider right of the air and eat it!
- Renfield: A spider?
- [swallows the spider in his mouth]
- Renfield: How absurd!
- Jonathan Harker: Oh... my... GOD! There's so much blood!
- Van Helsing: She just ate!
- Jonathan Harker: Oh! She's still alive!
- Van Helsing: Hit her again!
- Jonathan Harker: No no, I can't.
- Van Helsing: How much blood can she have left?
- [Jonathan hits the stake more lightly and even more blood sprays out than before]
- Van Helsing: She's almost dead!
- Jonathan Harker: She's dead enough.
- Van Helsing: Where did her blood go? There's nothing on the pillow case, or her nightgown.
- [to Dr. Seward]
- Van Helsing: Can you explain zhat?
- [looks at Jonathan]
- Van Helsing: Can you explain zhat?
- Dr. Seward: No, I can't explain zhat.
- Jonathan Harker: I can't explain zhat, either.
- Van Helsing: No one can explain zhat!
- Van Helsing: [examining Lucy's throat with a magnifying lens] Three tiny puncture Marks on her Throat...
- Dr. Seward: Three?
- Van Helsing: [breathes on and polishes the lens] Two. Two tiny Puncture marks on her throat.
- Jonathan Harker: [having been told to drive a stake into Lucy] Oh, that's horrible. Is there no other way?
- Van Helsing: One other. We could cut off her head, stuff her mouth with garlic and tear off her ears!
- Jonathan Harker: [after a moment's thought] Give me the stake.
- [pauses again]
- Jonathan Harker: No. No, I can't do it... you do it!
- Van Helsing: It must be done by one who loved her in life!
- Jonathan Harker: I only liked her!
- Van Helsing: Close enough!
- [still at the breakfast scene. A grasshopper jumps onto the patio. Renfield, intentionally, throws his fork]
- Renfield: Oh! Dropped my fork!
- [Renfield gets on all fours and scrambles under the table for the insect]
- Dr. Seward: Dropped it? You *flung* it! Mr. Renfield, what are you doing down there?
- Renfield: [tosses fork back onto the table] Fork found!
- [comes back up]
- Renfield: Sorry for the delay.
- [the grasshopper's leg is sticking out of Renfield's mouth, and wiggling about. Renfield looks at Dr. Seward, confused]
- Dr. Seward: My God, man! You're eating insects right from the ground!
- Renfield: What makes you say that?
- Dr. Seward: I can see one trying to get out of your mouth!
- Renfield: Out of my mouth?
- Dr. Seward: Yes, out of your mouth! Your very own mouth and it's wiggling about!
- Renfield: Don't be ridiculous! Wiggling!
- Dr. Seward: I'm not ridiculous at all! It's wiggling all over the place! Poor thing is fighting for its life!
- [Renfield eyes the grasshopper's leg, and quickly scoops it up]
- Renfield: I don't know what you're talking about. If you insist on ranting like this, I'm going to leave!
- Dr. Seward: Me, ranting? You're the ranter!
- [Renfield spots a fly]
- Renfield: [to the fly] Hello, little darling!
- [grabs the air in attempt to catch the fly]
- Renfield: Don't be afraid!
- [laughs in a strange tone]
- Renfield: I won't hurt you! All I want is your life!
- [Renfield does a body slam across Dr. Seward's lap, and knocks everything off the table]
- Van Helsing: Why don't we have a look at the brain?
- Woodbridge: [smiling] Mhm.
- Van Helsing: First we crack open the skull, like so.
- [bashes the corpse's head with a big hammer]
- Van Helsing: Behold the naked human brain... Examine it!
- [throws the brain to Woodbridge]
- Woodbridge: [screams and faints]
- Dracula: [after flying out the window to the ground below] The field, hurry!
- [Renfield obeys and dives out the window, crash-landing on the ground below, then staggers disoriented to his feet]
- Renfield: [Hobbles in pain] Uuuhhhh!
- Dracula: Renfield... I meant for you to use the drainpipe
- [Points]
- Dracula: I fly... You don't!
- Renfield: Oh yes, of course! He flies, I don't. He flies, I don't. He flies, I DON'T.
- [Hobbling off behind DRACULA]
- Dracula: [carrying Essie out instead of Mina] You will be my bride throughout eternity. We'll share the endless passion of immortal love.
- Essie: Oh I can't wait!
- Dracula: [stares at her in surprise] NOT YOU!
- Dracula: [takes her back inside and throws heron the floor, and carries Mina out, speaking very fast] You will be my bride throughout eternity, we'll share the endless passion of immortal love!
- [Dracula picks up Jonathan by the throat]
- Dracula: Arrogant mortal! You are in my world now and you will never leave this attic alive! I will destroy you, and then I will possess she whom you love the most. And there is not a single thing in the world you can do to stop me!
- [Dracula laughs. Jonathan pokes him in the eyes and Dracula drops Jonathan]
- Dracula: Ow!
- Mina Murray: Oh it makes me so happy to be at the Opera! I love this palace of art and beauty!
- Jonathan Harker: Oh yes my dear, the Opera is astonishing! The music is frothed with love, hate, sensuality and unbridled passion!... All the things in my life I've managed to suppress so far.
- Mina Murray: [after Dr. Seward catches Jonathan with his hands on Mina's behind] Suddenly without any reason at all, he laid his hands on me!
- Jonathan Harker: [exasperated] Oh, she told me to touch it!
- Jonathan Harker: [watching Mina's reflection in a mirror as she's dancing with Dracula, where it looks like she's dancing alone] She's doing quite well without him, isn't she?
- Dracula: We have a saying in the old country, "Nostoi vleckla de moi pushta."
- Van Helsing: They also said, "Stanisha ploftoi cog mul pafooft."
- Dracula: I'm very impressed Van Helsing, you speak the ancient Moldavian.
- Van Helsing: Fale dadalitca.
- Dracula: Koplai. Well gentleman, I will take my...
- Van Helsing: [interrupting] Manusssh!
- Dracula: [pause] Leave... I see, Van Helsing, that you are a man who likes to have the last word. I will not be drawn into such a childish exercise.
- [turns to leave]
- Dracula: Polashtoi.
- Van Helsing: [laughs] It is immature to me, who has the last word.
- [quickly faces away]
- Van Helsing: Volatnik!
- Dracula: [getting agitated] It is getting late, we will carry on this conversation at another time. Goodnight.
- Van Helsing: Goodnight.
- Dracula: [as he closes the door behind him] Abalutza!
- Van Helsing: [annoyed] Such arrogance. It is easy to see why the decadent aristocracy is dying out in that part of the world.
- [quickly opens the door]
- Van Helsing: FUSHTA!
- [slams the door shut and walks back to Harker and Seward]
- Van Helsing: Gentlemen, our work is not done. The vampire is still among us. You must remember he is cunning. He has the wisdom of centuries. And above all, he will never give up.
- Dracula: [walking by the open window] Kirvanya!
- Van Helsing: Ugh, that man! He never gives up!
- Van Helsing: I tell you, we must drive a wooden stake through her heart, or else she will rise from her grave to seek the blood of the living!
- Dr. Seward: Lucy was my ward. I won't permit you to desecrate her body in such a vile manner. I-It... it's sacrilegious.
- Jonathan Harker: But Dr. Seward, shouldn't we at least stand guard over Lucy's grave, just to make sure?
- Dr. Seward: No. I'm having serious doubts about this whole vampire theory. For heaven's sake, who in all of England, by the very furthest stretch of the imagination, could possibly be a vampire?
- Essie: [leading him in] Count Dracula.
- Dr. Seward: Well, maybe him.
- Dracula: Good evening, Miss Mina. May I have the next dance?
- Handsome Lieutenant at Ball: I beg your pardon, sir. Can't you see I'm having a drink with Miss Mina?
- Dracula: [using his powers of persuasion] You have finished your drink.
- Handsome Lieutenant at Ball: [going into a trance, he throws his drink into his own face] So I have.
- Renfield: [being released from the sanitarium] I know what they're up to. They think I'll lead them to the master. I must outsmart them.
- [shuffling around in a square shape for a few steps each time, then feigning the way he plans to go]
- Renfield: Lost 'em.
- Van Helsing: [watching him leave] Gentlemen, we are fortunate.
- Dr. Seward: Why?
- Van Helsing: He's an imbecile.