Tubarão Cruel

"William Snyder" is aka Bruno Mattei, the hack behind Zombie 3 (replacing Fulci), Strike Commando, Shocking Dark, Rats and other celluloid atrocities. As many pointless hours of "entertainment" as this guy has given me, i can't hate him,if just for his sheer audacity. And true to form, Cruel Jaws is the king of bad Jaws xeroxes. Most people will feel severely ripped off, but if (like me) you're a conoisseur of this form of twisted, inverted crap worship, you should have a ball (have some beer as well). My favourite part is the slight alteration of the classic line of dialogue from Jaws, feel your jaw hit the floor as a character actually remarks "We're gonna need a bigger HELICOPTER"!!!

With Cruel Jaws, director Bruno Mattei not only takes the Michael with his cheeky 'Jaws V' alternative title, but also borrows liberally from Steven Spielberg's 1975 killer shark classic in terms of plot, padding his film out with footage from other Jaws rip-offs. Mattei's movie takes place in Hampton Bay, where a tiger shark (trained by the navy to attack!) is chowing down on those who venture into the water. Needless to say, the local sheriff wants to close the beaches and postpone the town's regatta, but influential businessman Sam Lewis (George Barnes Jr.) insists that the show must go on, his decision resulting in an all-you-can-eat buffet for the hungry fish.

Bruno Mattei's trademark inept direction, a lousy script, terrible action and zero excitement make this bottom-of-the-barrel-scraping movie-making at its most awful, which does, of course, qualify it as essential viewing for fans of really bad rip-offs (you know who you are). Frequent scenes of extreme tedium are thankfully interspersed with unintentional laughs, just about making the film worth the effort if you absolutely must see every bad shark movie ever made.

Guaranteed to raise a few chuckles are aquarium owner Dag, who looks like he's been taking style tips from Hulk Hogan, his wheelchair-bound daughter who is not only disabled but rather stupid as well (some of the things she says are priceless), and a scene in which a helicopter is pulled into the sea by the shark, which is hanging from the chopper's winch. Viewers might also be amused by the music, which sounds suspiciously like the Star Wars theme at times, and, during the regatta sailboard race, is almost identical to The Race by Swiss electronic duo Yello.

Those looking for a little gore to help pass the time will most likely be disappointed - all we get is a mouldy mangled corpse and some blood in the water - but Mattei compensates somewhat by chucking in lots of hotties in bikinis (although, rather surprisingly for a Mattei movie, there is no nudity).

Am I almost unique? I had the sheer joy of seeing Cruel Jaws in a cinema, when it was shown in the 95 or 96 Cannes film market, not the Film Festival you understand, but the commerical side of it you don't need a tux for. I was buying movies for a video label at the time. Oh, what sheer joy! I too was shocked at the line about the helicopter, but was more amazed at the huge chunks of Enzo Castellari's superb Great White chopped up and dropped into Mattai's pic. It was definetly made on 35mm widescreen for theatrical release. It isn't a TV movie. Just didn't seem to play cinemas anywhere. The funniest thing to me was the hero, Richard Dew, who is an absolute clone of Hulk Hogan, even down to the moustache, beanie hat and vest. But he's the smallest man in the cast by at least three or four inches, looking up to everybody else! The effect of this is hilarious, making you think you are watching 'Hulk Hogan Goes To The Land Of The Giants'. I loved it, and Mattei is a genius. We didn't buy it for the video label though, we'd have lost a fortune! And for sheer brass neck how dare they credit Peter Benchley! Obviously his lawyers haven't seen it. If you can find it, do watch it, journeyman filmmaking unhampered by budget, originality or talent! MC.

A rogue tiger shark proceeds to dine on all the chump humans who enter its watery domain off the coast of Florida. Various concerned citizens take it upon themselves to rid the locale of the finned predator. Among our characters: an aquarium owner (Richard Dew, an obvious Hulk Hogan impersonator), an angry Sheriff (David Luther), a young shark expert (Gregg Hood), and a stereotypically greedy, sleazy land developer (George Barnes Jr.).

Complete with a dopey script, *hilariously* ridiculous lines (characters keep threatening to tear each others' manhood off), inane characters & performances, and gloriously awful shark effects (the fish here makes Bruce look good, even on his worst day), "Cruel Jaws" is one of the kings of truly bad shark cinema. What's more, this is a Bruno Mattei joint, and the late Italian schlock filmmaker never met a plot he couldn't rip off. Here he and the writers scrupulously copy (if not outright steal) characters, plots, and scenes straight from not only Hollywoods' "Jaws" franchise, but from Joe D'Amato's "Deep Blood" and Enzo G. Castellari's "The Last Shark" as well. If you are like this viewer and are intimately familiar with the "Jaws" franchise, you'll recognize the stolen shots when you see them, as brief as they are. The result is a priceless, ludicrous stew of shark movie absurdities. Even the score is imitative: sometimes emulating John Williams' classic "Jaws" theme, it even goes so far as to sound like his main "Star Wars" theme at points!

Cast with an assortment of non-union locals, the movie has definite amusements, especially Mr. Dew, who's required to give pep talks and educate locals on shark "facts". The young cast may be insipid in terms of any actual acting ability, but they're certainly attractive. Mattei and company even throw a wheelchair-bound child (Kirsten Urso) into the mix. And hey, the dolphins and that seal are of course cute. The seal is involved in two gags involving the sleazy antagonist.

Worth noting is that this flick actually incorporates the idea of the antagonist being involved with the mob, an element dropped from the original Peter Benchley novel for the classic 1974 Hollywood blockbuster, and approximates scenes from the novel such as a family of jerks who show up at the beach, hoping to see the shark, who annoy the Sheriff.

Good fun for people who can't get enough of cheesy shark cinema.

Five out of 10.

As co-founder of Nicko & Joe's Bad Film Club Show here in the UK, all I can do is stand on my chair and applaud wildly. A true, true instance of a great bad movie, it's come a very close second to Shark Attack 3, which is of course THE BEST bad shark movie EVER.

The best thing about the film though is being able to see all of my favourite shark movies in the one film! Genius idea. So many times I've been stuck watching a movie like Star Wars and thought, jeesh, this movie is great, but it could do with a few Star Trek cut aways.

There are moments of true hilarity and you have to admire the balls it takes to put a film like this out there

Bravo, no, really, BRAVO.