Loucademia de Polícia 7: Missão Moscou

The fine men and women of the Police Academy get seconded to Moscow to help the police there deal with the threat of the Moscow Mafia. Namely one Konstantine Konali who has invented a video game that is sweeping the nation. He plans a sequel that will include a piece of software that will him access to any computer that comes in contact with the game. Can the officers get enough evidence before he succeeds? Meanwhile Lassard gets lost and moves in with a Russian family.

I always feel that when even the support characters start to back out of a film series then you're onto a loser. Surely the fact that even Steve Guttenberg felt he'd had enough by part 4 should have told the makers and the audience that enough was enough. The plot is – oh arse, what's the point!!? Imagine all the characters being allowed to get into all sorts of stupid and unlikely situations all in the name of dumb jokes and you'll have an idea of what this is about. The plot of bringing down the Russian mob is only evident at the start and end – the rest of it is just one silly pratfall after another. Some of it is amusing – I've always found Lassard's innocent wanderings to be pretty funny and the only smile I had was where he wnet off with a Russian family!

None of the cast have anything approaching ambition or drive. They seem happy to be sitting in their cartoon characters for 7 movies! Gaynes is as dopey as ever but I like that. Graf is dead now and it's sad to think this is his legacy. I have seen him in other films and he's OK when he's not just shouting and firing comedy guns. Winslow needs to get a new act – does anyone find `the human sound effect' funny anymore? Easterbrook is blonde with large breasts – and that's all the film needs her to do. Schlatter makes a weak lead man and is real poor. But wait – my God but who are these support actors?

Is that Claire Forlani? Why yes it is, well I suppose she was still at the bottom of her career ladder. Oh no – tell me that isn't Ron Perlman, but it was and he just seems content to be in an American movie no matter how bad it is. Worse still is the fact that Christopher Lee is in this at all – I know he is having a great spell at the moment but is this how low he sunk at one point?

Overall this has almost no smiles in it never mind laughs of any form. Even die hard fans of the series and idiots who laugh when they see the colour red will struggle with this.

What is it that's so resolutely unfunny about Mission to Moscow? Is it the lifeless direction? The disinterested performances? The lack of atmosphere? The joke-free script? It's all of these things, of course, but there's also something inexplicably poor about it that you just can't quite put your finger on.

The regulars are the major weak point. While the guest cast have the misjudged enthusiasm to irksomely overact, all the usual culprits seem embarrassed by the whole thing. None of them sell their underwritten, reheated lines, and the fact that Bubba Smith and Marion Ramsey failed to sign up is a damning indictment. What comes through the screen, from George Gaynes to David Graf, is the sense of souls bleeding. "Please get me a proper job, there must be a better way to pay my mortgage" these actors scream with every fibre of their being. Leslie Easterbrook gets her usual single "my character's got big breasts" joke - why does she even bother to sign up for this crap? Michael Winslow looks old, tired, and frankly bored with the whole thing. Was his involvement only confirmed at the last minute? Because while he gives a curiously muted performance throughout, the script also fails to accommodate his talents in almost any way. Note that this is the ONLY Police Academy sequel in which he doesn't do his (admittedly run into the ground) "Bruce Lee" schtick.

Police Academy managed to keep up the same level of quality between films three to six - they were all rubbish. But even by their low standards Mission to Moscow plumbs the depths, making Citizens on Patrol look like Annie Hall. New recruit Charlie Schlatter, there for the completely incongruous love interest theme, is never funny and the Russian characters are the crass stereotypes you'd expect. Any film that promises "we're going to kick buttski" is clearly dumber than is tolerable, and a tasteless reference to Chernobyl doesn't help matters.

The only Police Academy film made outside the 80s, it was produced five years after the last one - why?!!?? Was there a big demand in the market for sh*te? Some cartoon sound effects (whistles, birdcall, etc.) are added to the action to try and pep things up, but this really is a DOA of a movie. True to form (or should that be formula?) it ends with an extended chase sequence that is neither suspenseful nor convincing.

Just look at scenes like the one where G.W. Bailey gets hit in the face with stew. The stew is clearly missing his face and just lands on his chin, so Bailey (the only regular who tries) moves his face so that the full brunt of the stew will land on it. This dedication to duty is admirable, but also perfectly highlights the sloppy desperation of the whole thing.

The series' move from the teen fodder of the first two, 15 certificate, movies had been subverted into the last five, PG cert entries. This is at its lowest ebb here; a comedy that seems wholly aimed at the under-5s and doesn't know what to do with its characters. Russian acrobats entertain the kiddies while its ... er... "stars"... are left to stand around like second bananas, giving unfunny reaction shots.

Maybe it's the "fish out of water" feel of it all, with the somewhat flat Russian espionage themes failing to ignite. But whatever it is, Mission to Moscow feels like a TV sitcom with the canned laughter track removed. In any other franchise this would be described as an "unfortunate, sad end" to the series. With Police Academy however, finishing with one of the unfunniest comedies of all time seems strangely apt. 2/10.

The original Police Academy movie was the best comedy film ever in my opinion. Ten years after it's release we got to see the quite awful Police Academy 7.

It ruins the spirit of a film series when later installments fail to match up to the original. The Police Academy films were brilliant with the exception of Part 4 but even Part 4 was better than this.

For starters, it was too serious. The first six Police Academy films had our heroes battling bumbling foes such as street punks and bumbling diamond thieves. But in this movie the heroes battled the Russian mafia. It didn't seem right.

There were very few laughs in this movie, in fact there were none really. Maybe it would have been better if there had been more laughs and a less serious storyline. Being serious didn't do this film any justice.

I felt real disappointed when I first watched this in 1994 because it got me thinking about how I had sat in a cinema ten years earlier enjoying a really funny movie.

I now know how everyone felt about these films. The first six I got through ok, I have a pretty wide sense of humor. But this, oh is it awful. I mean come on, George Gaynes is now the lead actor in the credits?! Bubba's gone, Matt McCoy's gone, not even Lance Kinsey's Proctor came back. And poor Charlie Schlatter. Six years ago he was starring opposite the legendary George Burns in "18 Again," and now he's doing stuff like this. I feel for ya, bro. But as far as the film goes, here's what passed for a joke: Gaynes getting into the wrong car and riding with strangers...oh stop, your killin me! And way too painful sight gags like Bailey's inner ear being yanked with an earpiece through a wall. Mmm, that was just tough to watch, not funny. I have to come clean here, though. I did not see this entire movie. I gave it 45 minutes but just couldn't take it anymore, it was just too putrid. I didn't even get my customary smile at the opening credits when Robert Folk's familiar P.A. theme started up... they revamped the damn thing! Yuck, stay away from this dreck.

Imagine having your testicles ripped off by a Grizzly and you're half way to appreciating how painful an experience this movie is. Whatever you thought about the previous Police Academy movies (and I'm not particularly fond of any of them) they at least fitted in to the genre of comedy. This one creates it's own sub-genre: the anti-comedy. There's not a single joke in the entire film that makes any sense, and this is partly due to the fact that the script reads as though it was translated from English into Russian and then back again. And I'm not trying to insult the Russians. They get a hard enough time in the movie. If the makers of this film are to be believed, the Russian people are a humourless bunch, and so you imagine that the producers thought that a film with absolutely no humour in it would go down a storm with Moscow audiences. Now, I've never seen a Russian comedy, but I think it's safe to bet that they're better than this.

In one scene, a character batters a hole in a hotel room door using an ice bucket stuck to his head. I don't know why, and it's typical of this film that you're never quite sure what it is you're supposed to be laughing at. The jokes just rattle on and on like this making no sense whatsoever.

If you were to convince yourself that what you were actually watching was a serious drama about the mental illness of a high-ranking police officer lost in Moscow, you might get some perverse pleasure out of this. On the video packet, though, the distributors assure us that it's a comedy, so you can't even give the film the benefit of the doubt.

It's interesting to note that after the Police Academy team's adventure in Moscow, the authorities saw fit to let them back into their own country, where they went on to make Police Academy : The Series which is, believe it or not, even worse than this.

Best to watch this drunk. And with the television switched off.