- Joey Fingers: A bird in the hand is always greener than the grass under the other guy's bushes. It's a metaphor used by gardeners and landscaping people in general.
- Joey Fingers: Remember, kid, if you can't stand the heat, stay out of Miami.
- North: What metaphor is that?
- Joey Fingers: What metaphor? You ever been down there in August? Your balls stick to your leg like crazy glue.
- North: How can Labor Day be next week? I just got here.
- Sleigh Driver: You walked from your house to the ice floes, right? It's a 10-week walk, even with the wind at your back.
- North: No wonder we stopped for lunch 49 times.
- Sleigh Driver: It's that six-months-of-daylight thing. It throws everybody off. I myself only showered 12 times during the '70s.
- Federal Express Truck Driver: If you absolutely, positively have to get home by tomorrow morning, you've come to the right truck.
- News Reporter: Arthur Belt, the rising politician who drafted the bill...
- Arthur Belt: [Winchell shuts off the TV] Wait! They were talking about me!
- Winchell: Relax, Arthur, pretty soon you'll be hearing your name so much even YOU will be sick of it.
- Arthur Belt: I highly doubt it.
- Ma Tex: [to North] We'd like you show you how much we're looking forward to having you as our new son. Ready, Pa?
- Pa Tex: Ready, Ma!
- Ma Tex: [singing] We had a son who was trampled by a ton of longhorns, but you're very cute to fill his boots as flat as they may be
- Pa Tex: [singing] You'll yippee-yi-yo with the rodeo 'til the day's done
- Ma Tex: [singing] Then you'll make a lot of pals with buffalo gals
- Pa Tex: [whispering] Just save some for me!
- Ma Tex: Hey, there!
- Ma Tex, Pa Tex: [singing with a chorus] We'll barbecue steaks and stew, feed you pumpkin pie 'til your can's bigger than the big ol' Texas sky
- Ma Tex: [singing] You'll grow tall and play football be famous
- Pa Tex: [singing] You'll grow more, own a chain of stores, and marry Betty Lou
- Gabby: We got a saying out here: Sometimes when you're panning for gold, you gotta try more than one stream.
- Winchell: Now is the time to say, "just because you were born 25 or 30 years before me, it doesn't make you smart! It doesn't make you right! It just makes you look old! It just makes you smell worse in the morning!"
- North: How does that get me into a good college?
- Governor Ho: Well, since we don't use the letters B, C, D and F, you're pretty much guaranteed to get straight A's.
- Pa Tex: Remember before when I told you that everything I own is the biggest and the best? Well you're already the best. Now there's nothing left but to make you the biggest.
- Ma Tex: And don't fret about not being able to clean up your plate. Why, soon your stomach will stretch and stretch and your capacity for food will grow and grow.
- North: You say that like that's a good thing to have happen to your stomach.
- Pa Tex: It is.
- North: Why?
- Ma Tex: Then you'll be like Buck.
- North: Who?
- Pa Tex: Our first son. The biggest boy this big state's ever seen. Why he could eat more in one day than anyone else could eat in a whole month.
- Ma Tex: That's why Buck hated February.
- Arthur Belt: This is working out bigger than we thought.
- Winchell: Bigger than *you* thought. That's why you're only gonna be president.
- Amish Father: Greetings, North, I am thy new father and this good woman who art my wife is thy new mother. And these are thy new brothers who art named Ezekiel, and these are thy new brothers who art named Art.
- North's Dad: If you wanna know how to build a rocket to fly a man into outer space, don't come to me. If you need somebody to perform a delicate brain operation, I'm not your man. However, if you have any questions whatsoever on the quality of a good pair of pants, look no further!
- Winchell: As of next Monday, no parent will be permitted to see an R-rated movie unless accompanied by a kid.
- [North's parents are waiting for him at his secret spot in the department store]
- North's Dad: Alright, you wait here. I'm gonna go look for him.
- North's Mom: Good idea!
- Judge Buckle: Bad idea! Let me remind you that the ruling stipulates that North is supposed to be in the arms of both parents. That's two parents and four arms.
- Judge Buckle: Even though both sides will be saying things, and I will be hearing them, it is still not a hearing! No doubt, you'll all be hearing the same things that I am hearing. That's your privilege. However, once both sides have been heard, then it will be my job to pass judgement. Obviously, you can all pass judgement, too, but it won't count.