Kull, o Conquistador

"Kull The Conqueror" is cinematic cheese, and knows it. The actors know it. The director knows it. Certainly the person responsible for the inclusion of the constant heavy metal guitar solos know it! Which is the best part of the film, the constant screams "waaaa-wa-wa-wa-wa!!!" of that heavy metal guitar, briefly punctuated by your standard grade-Z fantasy film dialogue. I laughed my arse off throughout the entire film and had a great time. Anyone who takes this film, or themselves, too seriously, will hate it. Anyone who knows how to kick back and enjoy fluff, will have a grand old time.

First the good news. This picture has production design worthy of Conan creator Robert E. Howard's legacy. Everything else is bad news. The script is allegedly a many version hand-me-down re-working of the never made third Conan movie, the film in which Conan would finally win the throne of Aquilonia. Instead we get Howard's backup hero (Kull) who takes the throne at the beginning of the film in an un-stirring, non-epic little battle and then loses it quickly to Witch Demon Akivasha (played to the hilt by Tia Carrere who obviously had rare fun as a bad girl). Kull then kills an hour on a very routine quest-to-find-his-right-to-rule and finally returns for the classic Howard showdown between good brawn and evil sorcery. The main problem is Kevin Sorbo, who got so good at playing Hercules in self-spoofing post-modern fashion that he simply doesn't resonate with the necessary authentic bronze age thuggishness of a Howard hero. Here was a chance to play a variation on his usual screen self and he punted it. Too bad. The set decorators captured the proper essence of Robert Howard...

I like Kevin Sorbo, so I watched the film. It wasn't mentally tasking and it never set out to be. The movie was designed to be campy and it said so. You heard the rock music in the background during the trailer, so why are people so disappointed with it? I still enjoyed it for its dry wit and simplicity. It was a nice flashback to those old Conan movies. I've heard that Kull is Conan's father, and I don't know much about this character from the Conan films, but I dug him. I found him charming. The Conan movies wasn't much in the way of smart either, but people still enjoy it. I liked the combination of modern themes and music with the extremely old school nature of the film. It was like a land before time or something. Watch it if you just wanna watch something and don't expect much.

The screenplay writer must have read Howard's book, since there are literal quotes like `By this axe I rule!', which Kull exclaims during the coronation, yet again, this movie is no serious attempt to capture the raw, barbarian spirit of Howard's heroes. `Kull the Conqueror' reminds me of `Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger' rather than `Conan the Barbarian' or `Hercules'. Exactly like Patrick Wayne, Kevin Sorbo has to sail to the Land of Ice to find a solution to his problem: the evil witch threatening the once peaceful kingdom. `Kull' is nice, colourful adventure, Sinbad with more muscles and less charm, nothing special, but not as bad as some reviewers wrote, either. I'll watch it again on a rainy day. Of course, if you expected another `Conan the Barbarian', you'll be disappointed, but `Conan the Destroyer' and `Red Sonja' were no match for this masterpiece in the past, and `Kull' is at least a bit better than these two.

Tia Carrere as the red-haired witch Akivasha who cannot be killed, for she is living in a fire, is brilliant. Her immediate transition from the enchanting beauty to screaming rage compares to nothing. I still didn't figure out why Sorbo chose the same profession as De Niro and Dustin Hoffman, but he's passable here. Give it a try if you like the genre.

KULL is not to be taken seriously, even though it is derived from a serious book by the author of the Conan stories, Robert Howard. Kevin "Hercules" Sorbo plays Kull, a warrior in search of a kingdom in a time long forgotten, in a breezy, off-handed manner -- and his refusal to take his character too seriously works in favor of this low-budget quickie. The ever-delectable Tia Carrere plays a witch who plans to take over the world, and she is absolutely delicious as a supernatural villainess. The fights are clumsily staged, the sets are from hunger, but the dialog is a lot of fun and everyone would appear to be having a good time. A rainy day pick. It certainly kicks Red Sonja's butt.