- Harry Block: Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
- Doris: You have no values. Your whole life: it's nihilism, it's cynicism, it's sarcasm and orgasm.
- Harry Block: You know, in France, I could run on that slogan and win.
- [Talking about life]
- The Devil: It's like Vegas. You're up, you're down, but in the end the house always wins. Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- Harry Block: You know, I cannot understand why the most sophisticated of women can't tell the difference between a meaningless, hot, passionate sexual affair and a nice, solid, tranquil, routine marriage.
- Joan: [breaking down] Tell me, Harry, just tell me something. Was she the only one, or were there others?
- Harry Block: No, Amy Pollock was the only one, may God strike me dead if I am lying.
- Joan: You're an atheist, Harry!
- Harry Block: Wha-hey, we're alone in the universe, you're going to blame that on me, too?
- Joan: [angrily tears papers from typewriter] Stop your tap-dancing...
- Harry Block: [to his brother-in-law Bert] I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- Harry Block: The most important words in the English language are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- Harry's Father: I'm a Jew. I don't believe in Heaven.
- Harry Block: Where do you want to go?
- Harry's Father: A Chinese restaurant.
- Burt: Do you care even about the holocaust, or do you think it never happened?
- Harry Block: Not only do I know that we lost 6 million, but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken
- Harry Block: Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing. Waitressing's gotta be the worst fucking job in the world.
- [Mr. Farber is lying on a patient's couch waiting for his therapist, Joan, to return from dressing down her husband, Harry, for having an affair]
- Joan: [from offscreen] I want you to get your shit. And I want you to get your goddamn clothes, and I want you to get the fuck outta here. You are the most fucking irresponsible person I've ever seen in my entire life! Get out!
- [she returns]
- Joan: Continue, Mr. Farber.
- Mr. Farber: [very uncomfortable] D-Doctor...
- Joan: [not bothering to leave the room this time] And I mean tonight, motherfucker!
- Mr. Farber: [bursts into tears]
- Harry Block: This guy is too old for her.
- Richard: He's younger than you are.
- Harry Block: Hey, I'm much too old for her, it's ridiculous. But, because of my immaturity I have a boyish quality that works.
- Harry Block: [after sex] Cookie, you're a definite artist. They should put your lips in the Smithsonian.
- Cookie: How come you got all this money?
- Harry Block: I always keep hooker money around, you know, 'cause I once paid by check years ago and the I.R.S. killed me.
- Harry Block: [to his brother-in-law] I don't think you're a paranoid. I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that everybody likes you!
- [Therapist Joan is trying to counsel Mr. Farber but has just learned that her husband, Harry, has had an affair with a patient of hers]
- Mr. Farber: I've been - I've been losing sleep at night. I can't shut my eyes at night. I - I think I should quit my job. But I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe because my brother-in-law treats me kindly. But - but working for him is taking its toll on me emotionally.
- Joan: Could you excuse me, Mr. Farber?
- [gets up and leaves the room]
- Mr. Farber: What?
- Joan: [from offscreen] You fuck-dumb fuck! I can't believe you fucking did this! You fucking asshole. You fucked my patient? Harry, you don't fuck somebody's patient. Fuck you!
- [she returns]
- Joan: Continue, Mr. Farber.
- Harry Block: Cookie is the nanny.
- Doris: The nanny! Where did you get her, from an agency or a massage parlor?
- Harry Block: Oh jesus! She's a sweet kid, what are you picking on?
- Doris: Ah, still with the sex pots, the tramps, the vilda chayes.
- Harry Block: Ah, she's got a PhD, this girl.
- Doris: Really? I don't know how she did on her written, but I'm sure she got an A plus on her oral exam.
- Harry Block: And then, after their child was born, she became what he called "Jewish with a Vengeance".
- The Devil: You ever fuck a blind girl?
- Harry Block: No. That I never did.
- The Devil: Oh, they're so grateful.
- Grandma: [Unaware that Leslie is fellating Ken because she is blind] Boy, you must really love onions!
- Harry Block: Look, I was merely explaining to you why my choice of necessity is confined to your practice.
- Lucy: You schmuck, you bastard. I'd like to cut your fuckin' head off.
- Harry Block: You're upset, right?
- Harry's Sister: You never forgave him because you thought he was a bad father.
- Harry Block: He was!
- Harry's Sister: Thanks for stopping by...
- Harry Block: So you kidnapped Fay, huh?
- The Devil: Yes, I did. But some women are turned on by aggressive assertive behavior.
- Harry Block: Yeah, and so if I suddenly kidnapped her back?
- The Devil: You, kidnap? No. It's not your style. You're not a fun guy. You're too serious. Fay knew that. Too angry at life.
- Harry Block: I got a lot to be angry at.
- The Devil: Who doesn't? But sooner or later, Harry, you gotta back off. It's like Vegas. You're up, you're down. But in the end, the house always wins. Doesn't mean you didn't have fun. But one thing you are not, is a kidnapper.
- Beth Kramer: [Next scene] Kidnapper!
- Harry Block: I love all of you, really. You've given me some of the happiest moments of my life You've even saved my life at times, you know? And now, you've actually taught me things. And I'm completely grateful for this.
- Professor Clark: I think the author's message is to know yourself, stop kidding yourself, accept your limitations, and get on with your life.
- Harry Block: It's amazing. To me, it's a really interesting character. A guy who can't function well in life, but can only function in art, you know? It's sort of sad in a way, but also funny, like, good for a novel.
- Student Mary: Well, your books all seem a little sad on the surface, which is why I like deconstructing them. Because underneath, they're really happy. It's just that you don't know it.
- Harry Block: I tell you, I feel like I'm in a dream. Like for me, this is like the best dream I've had in months. You know, the happiest dream.
- Harry Block: I like it! I like it... a character who's too neurotic to function in life, but can only function in art... Notes for a novel: Opening possibilities. Rifkin led a fragmented, disjointed experience. He had long ago come to this conclusion: All people know the same truth: Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it. Only his writing was calm. His writing, which had in more ways than one, saved his life.