- Chip Douglas: The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities!
- Sam Sweet: [Tape of his phone call to the police] Oh my God! Oh my God! My twin brother has been shot! I think it was an Asian gang or something... There was this guy, he looked Asian... and he was speaking another language, I'm pretty sure it was... Asian.
- Chip Douglas: You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.
- Helicopter paramedic: Hang in there, pal! You're gonna make it, buddy.
- Chip Douglas: Hey!
- [helicopter paramedic learns forward]
- Chip Douglas: Am I really your buddy?
- Helicopter paramedic: Yeah, sure you are.
- [an evil grin spreads across Chip's face]
- Chip Douglas: HI! Is there a problem with your service?
- Steven Kovacs: Yeah, my cable is out.
- Chip Douglas: [Presents a cut cord] Really? So you call me? Ha, funny how you call when you NEED something. Is that how you treat people?
- [Chip has brought Steven to "Medieval Times". A waitress in the Medieval Times role of a wench approaches them]
- Wench: [flatly] Welcome to Medieval Times. My name is Melinda. I'll be your serving wench. May I get you something from the bar keep?
- Chip Douglas: [too into it] Dos thus have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate, for he hath been pitched in battle for a fortnight and has the king's thirst for the frosty brew dos thou might have for thus!
- Wench: [uninspired] I'll be right back my lord.
- [She leaves]
- Chip Douglas: My thanks to ye, fair wench!
- The Cable Guy: Women are a labyrinth, my friend. Can I be frank? I don't think you listen to her. I think you tell her what she wants to hear. She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is, all the complicated splendor that is women. When your love is truly giving, it will come back to you ten fold.
- Steven Kovacs: You're right. That's incredibly insightful.
- The Cable Guy: I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.
- Chip Douglas: Reality isn't 'Father Knows Best' anymore. It's a kick in the face on a Saturday night with a steel-toe grip Kodiak work boot, a trip to the hospital, bloodied and bashed, for reconstructive surgery.
- Chip Douglas: You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!
- Chip Douglas: Here is a comment card. Please mail it in when I am done.
- Steven Kovacs: Does this go to your boss?
- Chip Douglas: No it goes to me, I'm sort of a perfectionis... perfectionis... t.
- [Chip is danging over a ledge above the giant cable dish]
- Steven Kovacs: You'll be fine. I'll be your pal, just come on up!
- Chip Douglas: No. It's too late for me, but there are alot of little cable boys and girls out there who STILL have a chance! Don't you understand, Steven? Somebody has to kill the babysitter.
- [drops from ledge and freefalls towards dish]
- Steven Kovacs: [Answers the phone] Hello?
- Rick: Bingo! "My Three Sons"!
- Steven Kovacs: Chip and Ernie Douglas.
- Rick: I have a list here of every cable installer fired in the last four years. Check out some of these names: Murray Slaughter, George Jetson, Jean Luc Picard, there's even a guy who liked to be called "The Big Ragu".
- Steven Kovacs: Carmine from "Laverne & Shirley".
- Rick: That's so sad that you know that. Anyway, the cable company has just fired somebody six months ago named Darrin Stephens. You may remember his boss, Larry Tate, from a little show called "Bewitched".
- Steven Kovacs: So... He doesn't even work for the cable company.
- Rick: Yahtzee! They booted his ass for stalking customers. This guy is deeply troubled. If I were you, I'd lock up *tight*.
- Chip Douglas: It was my treat.
- Steven Kovacs: What do you mean it was your treat?
- Chip Douglas: You know, I bought this time. You buy next time... Don't let your eggs get cold.
- Steven Kovacs: Buy what?
- Chip Douglas: What do you mean 'buy what'? The women.
- Steven Kovacs: [after pause] Do... do you mean that Heather is a prostitute?
- Chip Douglas: Of course she is. You think a woman like that would hang out with us if we weren't paying her?
- Chip Douglas: [on answering machine] I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah... has that ever happened to you? Anyway... call me, we'll talk about it.
- Chip Douglas: Squad 51 Squad 51, Man down. Possible back injury. Nancy! We're gonna need an IV with D5W and ring a fract team stat. Check vital signs. Administer lidacaine drip. Prepare to defibrillate. CLEAR!
- Cable Guy: If Robin had seen you tonight, she'd be begging you to take her back. I'm telling you, these knights get laid all the time.
- The Cable Guy: [He and Steve are on horses about to charge one another] This is our destiny!
- Steven: No it's not!
- The Cable Guy: Yes it is!
- Steven: No it isn't!
- The Cable Guy: Yes it is!
- Steven: Isn't!
- The Cable Guy: T'is!
- Steven: Isn't!
- The Cable Guy: T'is!
- Steven Kovacs: [Chip had hired a prostitute to entertain Steven] Just get out. I don't ever want to see you again. Robin is never going to forgive me!
- Chip Douglas: Well I'll tell you how you handle that: DON'T TELL HER.
- Medieval Times host: Quickly, muster atop your steed. Buddy, get on the friggin' horse. I don't think he's kidding.
- Chip Douglas: Hey Steve I'm on a pay phone, so if you're there pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, well OK, call me back.
- Steven Kovacs: Hey, wait, come back!
- Chip Douglas: Well look who decided to show.
- Steven Kovacs: You were supposed to be here 4 hours ago.
- Chip Douglas: Was I? So I'm the tardy one?
- Steven Kovacs: Yeah, I was gonna go to that bed and bath place and now it's closed.
- Chip Douglas: Well maybe I shouldn't have come at all, JERK OFF! I'm just jokin' with ya.
- The Cable Guy: Sounds like heart break to me.
- Steven Kovacs: Well I really don't want to discuss it with you. Could you just install my cable please? I'm gonna go get dressed.
- The Cable Guy: Suit yourself. No sweat off my sac. Oh by the way, you might wanna put on a bathing suit 'cause you'll be channel surfing in no time!
- Steven Kovacs: What's going on?
- Chip Douglas: It appears that we're going to do battle, Steven.
- Steven Kovacs: Is this a normal part of the show?
- Chip Douglas: No, but I gave all the knights free cable. They thought it would be cool if we went at it for a while.
- Steven Kovacs: Is it safe?
- Chip Douglas: Sure, that's what the armor's for. Come on.
- Steven Kovacs: What are you doing?
- Chip Douglas: I'm just talking trash.
- Steven Kovacs: You ruined the game.
- Chip Douglas: I don't appreciate your tone, Steve. Friends aren't supposed to talk to each other that way...
- Steven Kovacs: What are you talking about? We're not friends. I don't even know you.
- Chip Douglas: Well let's change that. Let me buy you a Heineken.
- Steven Kovacs: Guard! This is the guy who framed me. He set me up. Arrest him!
- Chip Douglas: Hey Bernie, how's that sports package?
- [Bernie gives him a thumbs up]
- Chip Douglas: All right!
- Chip Douglas: Call it one guy doing another guy a solid.
- Steven Kovacs: That is so nice!
- Chip Douglas: Well you're a nice guy! You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I'm a goddamn plumber or somethin'.
- Chip Douglas: The blue knight rules! The red knight sucks the big one! Down, down, down. Right knight goin' down. Down, down, down. Red knight goin' down.
- Robin's date: [signaling the waiter] Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, pardon me, hey what's the story with our chicken, man? Have the eggs had a chance to hatch yet? Maybe you can go check on it for me, my friend, if it's not too much trouble for you.
- [the waiter walks off]
- Robin's date: Okay, I'm sorry to put you out.
- [Turns to Robin]
- Robin's date: See the attitude?
- The Cable Guy: Cable Guy!
- Steven Kovacs: [in the shower] Oh, shit!
- The Cable Guy: Caable Guuuy!
- Steven Kovacs: I'm coming!
- [grabs a towel, heads for the door]
- The Cable Guy: [yells] Caaable guuuy!
- Steven Kovacs: Don't leave!
- [Steven reaches the door, peeks outside]
- The Cable Guy: [leaving, sounding angry] Jesu Cristo!
- Steven: You're right. That's incredibly insightful.
- Chip Douglas: I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.
- Steven: I have this friend and he gave his cable guy $50 and then he got all the movie channels for free. You ever hear of anything like that?
- Chip Douglas: [Walks slowly towards Steven] You mean illegal cable?
- Steven: Um... Yeah.
- Chip Douglas: Who told you that? What is his name? I want it.
- Steven: Just forget it.
- Chip Douglas: You're offering me a bribe. What you have just done is illegal and in this state, if convicted, you could be fined up to $5,000 or spend six months in a correction facility!
- Steven: No, please, that was dumb. I was just making conversation. Forget it.
- Chip Douglas: [Bursts out laughing] I'm just jerking your chain! Ha ha ha. The look on your face! Ha ha, you are too easy!
- [laughs harder]
- Chip Douglas: Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.
- Chip Douglas: Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!
- Chip Douglas: [on answering machine] Hey man. It's me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later.
- Chip Douglas: Wow, the old McNair place. Never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened.
- Steven Kovacs: Why? What happened?
- Chip Douglas: They had a lot of cats.