- Shakes the Clown: Hey, hey, kid, what are you doing?
- Kid: I had to go to the bathroom.
- Shakes the Clown: On my head?
- Kid: Hey, this is my bathroom, not your bedroom, you big drunken mess.
- Female Clown Barfly: I got one of them peanut butter pussies: it's brown, smooth and easy to spread.
- Owen Cheese: You clowns are on dope!
- Binky the Clown: Where you going old man? You didn't see nuthin' alright? You saw five happy, jolly clowns sittin' around eating a big plate of beef. White- powdery- beef.
- Judy: Listen, Binky - Shakes may be alcoholic... and a bad lay... but he's not a murderer!
- Binky the Clown: [shouts] Not a murderer? How can you say he's not a murderer? He took one of his own juggling pins and smashed in Mr. Cheese's head with the fucking thing! Again and again and again, just hitting and hitting - and the head bursting and splattering underneath. And Boots and Hoho could've stopped me, but they didn't stop me!
- Binky the Clown: [Normal voice] Wait... did I say 'me' just then?
- Judy: Yes.
- Binky the Clown: Whoa! Back up; now I've got to kill *you*! Beautiful! Another red-letter day for Binky the Clown! Just great!
- Mime Class Instructor: Everybody get ready to fry our bacon... Ready?... Here we go!... Raise 'em! And we go suck in the little pork belly and... FRY! C'mon Chuck... we want to fry off that little fat ass of yours! FRY!... FRY!... FRY!... Chuckie! C'mon everbody, let's sizzle! We're gonna sizzle off little pork but, aren't we? Fry yourself... Let the heat work through you! Shake your meat, Chuck!. You've got a roll of quarters... make some change! There we go! Now you're burnin'!... Now you're on fire! Shake your money-maker!
- HoHo the Clown: Oh, yeah? Well, the only show YOU could ever star in would be a show called the... Not... Funny... DIARRHEA CLUB!
- Mime in park: [after being attacked by clowns] You just pick on us because we're artists!
- Shakes the Clown: That's it! I can be sober.
- Producer at Big Time Cartoon Circus: Oh, please. You haven't taken a sober breath since I've known you.
- Shakes the Clown: Oh, come on. I've been sober lots of times.
- Producer at Big Time Cartoon Circus: [after a pause] When?
- Shakes the Clown: When I was in that coma. I didn't have a drink for that entire month.
- Dink: I asked her what time it was, she told me it was 7:30.
- Stenchy: Oh, that's the cornerstone of a lasting relationship, what time it is?
- Dink: Yes, yes. Because, first I asked her what time it is, right? Tomorrow I get to ask her the date, the day after that she's all over me. That's how it works, you play it slow.