- Grim Reaper: [rapping] You might be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later you dance with the reaper.
- [Twirls Scythe over his head and ducks so blade doesn't hit it]
- Grim Reaper: Heh heh! Get down with your bad self!
- Dead Bill: Ted?
- Dead Ted: What?
- Dead Bill: Don't "Fear the Reaper"!
- [both of them do an air guitar]
- Grim Reaper: I heard that.
- Grim Reaper: A hit. You have sank my battleship!
- Dead Bill, Dead Ted: Excellent! Yeah!
- Dead Ted: I totally knew he put it in the J's, dude!
- Dead Bill: Good thinking, Ted.
- Grim Reaper: You must play me again.
- Dead Bill: WHAT?
- Grim Reaper: Um, best two out of three.
- Dead Ted: No way!
- Grim Reaper: Yes way.
- Grim Reaper: Don't overlook *my* butt, I work out all the time. And reaping burns a lot of calories.
- Grim Reaper: I believe Colonel Mustard did it in the study with the candlestick.
- Dead Bill: Sorry, Death, you lose! It was Professor Plum!
- Grim Reaper: I said Plum!
- Dead Ted: No way! You said Mustard! Can we go back now?
- Grim Reaper: Uh, best three out of five!
- Dead Ted: I don't believe this guy!
- Bill: [stage introduction] And over here, our bass player, the Duke of Spook, the Doc of Shock, The Man with No Tan, please say hello to Death himself, the Grim Reaper.
- [Bill and Ted wake up after having been dead a while. Bill picks out a worm from his ear]
- Bill: Dinner's over, worm dude.
- Colonel Oats: Get down and give me... infinity.
- [they drop to the floor and start doing push-ups, with difficulty. Oats walks in a circle around them while giving them a continuous tirade of abuse]
- Colonel Oats: You stupid, pathetic, craven little cretins...
- Bill: Dude, there's no way I can possibly do infinity push-ups!
- Ted: Maybe if he lets us do them girly-style?
- Colonel Oats: ...jokers! You petty, base, bully, bullock, bugger billies. You're not strong! You're silky boys! Silk comes from the butts of Chinese worms!
- Bill: Dude, we gotta get outta here.
- Colonel Oats: I'll eat you up like the warm, toasty little buttercakes you are...
- [Bill and Ted jump up and run away]
- Colonel Oats: GET BACK HERE!
- Dead Bill: [after Bill and Ted have each experienced their own personal Hell] That was non-non-non-non-NON-Heinous!
- [first lines]
- Chuck De Nomolos: It is time. They have reached the second crucial turning point in their destiny. Their message is about to reach millions. But, we will change all that. When our mission is successful, no longer will the world be dominated by the legacy of these two fools! No longer will we hear this.
- [plays air guitar]
- Chuck De Nomolos: We will stop them now! Brothers and sisters, are we ready?
- [everybody cocks their guns]
- [Bill and Ted fall into an abyss toward hell]
- Bill, Ted: AAAAAAAAHHHH!
- [they run out of breath, then pause and look around, still falling, not sure what to do]
- Bill: AAAH...!
- Bill, Ted: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!
- Bill: Dude, this is a totally deep hole.
- Ted: Yeah... now what?
- Bill: I don't know.
- [pause]
- Bill: AAAH...!
- Bill, Ted: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!
- Captain Logan: [Being possessed by Dead Ted] Whoa. Okay, dudes... Oh, I mean, fellow policemen. My son, Ted "Theodore" Logan, and his friend Bill S. Preston, Esquire, have been murdered and replaced by evil robots from the future.
- Dead Bill: You totally did it dude.
- Captain Logan: [as Dead Ted] I totally possessed my dad!
- [both Bill and Captain Logan do air guitar]
- Captain Logan: [as Dead Ted] Okay. You gotta go over and arrest these robots so they don't ruin everything for me and Bill. Oh, I mean, uh, my son and Bill. And most importantly, they don't hurt the babes... The princesses.
- [to himself as Dead Ted]
- Captain Logan: This isn't working.
- [to Dead Bill]
- Captain Logan: Back me up dude!
- Dead Bill: You got it dude!
- [Possesses Deputy James]
- Deputy James: [Being possessed by Dead Bill] I totally believe you dude.
- Captain Logan: [as Dead Ted] Yeah!
- [Gives Deputy James a high five]
- Deputy James: [as Dead Bill] Whoa, donuts!
- Captain Logan: [as Dead Ted] Whoa, excellent!
- Deputy James: [as Dead Bill] Savory cruller.
- Captain Logan: [as Ted] Yeah. I got real hungry being dead.
- Deputy James: [as Bill] Yeah.
- [the cops look at them weird]
- Captain Logan: [as Ted] Bill, I don't think they believe us.
- Deputy James: [as Bill] Well, we'll have to find somebody who will.
- Captain Logan, Deputy James: [still possessed] Catch ya later, cop dudes!
- Grim Reaper: You will come with me.
- Ted: Bill, we can't! We gotta get back to the babes!
- Bill: Ted, we can't! We're dead, dude!
- Ted: We gotta stop those evil usses! We gotta try!
- Bill: [to Death] Excuse us, dude, but is there any way back?
- Grim Reaper: You may challenge me to a contest, but if you lose, you will remain here in the afterlife forever.
- Ted: What if we win?
- Grim Reaper: No-one has ever won.
- Grim Reaper: [he smiles terrifyingly]
- Ted: [to Bill] Dude, we gotta ditch this guy.
- Evil Bill: [Good Bill calls as Evil Bill and Ted are leaving with the princesses; Evil Bill answers the phone] Logan residence. Evil Bill S. Preston, Esquire speaking.
- [to Evil Ted]
- Evil Bill: It's them! They're back from the dead.
- Evil Ted: [shrugs] Guess we get to kill 'em again.
- Evil Bill, Evil Ted: Excellent!
- Ted: You are a most excellent scientist, Station.
- Bill: Yeah! Plus, you got an excellently huge Martian butt!
- Big Station: Station!
- Chuck De Nomolos: We are now transmitting on every television channel throughout the world!
- English Family Member, English Family Member: My word.
- Chuck De Nomolos: I want the whole universe to behold this transfer of power. No longer will our future society be based on the ideas and the music of these two fools! They will be based on my ideas, and my ideas alone!
- [draws his gun on Bill and Ted]
- Ted: Now where are we?
- [they hear footsteps]
- Bill: Who's that?
- [a man in an army uniform is marching towards them]
- Ted, Bill: It's Colonel Oats! No way!
- Colonel Oats: GENTLEMEN!
- [he walks right up to Ted, standing nose-to-nose]
- Colonel Oats: Welcome to hell.
- Evil Easter Bunny: You stole Deacon's Easter Basket!
- Young Ted: No Way! This was 10 years ago.
- Evil Easter Bunny: Uh Huh!