- Edwin S. Simon, NBS News Anchor: The Canadians. They walk among us. William Shatner. Michael J. Fox. Monty Hall. Mike Myers. Alex Trebek. All of them Canadians. All of them here.
- Edwin S. Simon, NBS News Anchor: Think of your children pledging allegiance to the maple leaf. Mayonnaise on everything. Winter 11 months of the year. Anne Murray - all day, every day.
- Highway Patrolman: I do have to fine you. That will be a thousand dollars Canadian, or 10 American dollars if you prefer.
- [the Mountie explains that Honey has been taken to the capital]
- Boomer: The capital, Toronto.
- RCMP Officer at Headquarters: No, the capital of Canada is Ottawa.
- Boomer: [laughing] Yeah, right. Do we look that stupid? Ottawa!
- Roy Boy: Nice try, Dudley.
- Roy Boy: You ever see The Dirty Dozen?
- Boomer: That was a cool movie.
- Roy Boy: Man, that was real cool.
- Boomer: Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, Ernest Borgnine...
- Kabral: Jim Brown.
- Roy Boy: Uh, Telly Savalas, Clint Walker...
- Kabral: Jim Brown.
- Boomer: Trini Lopez!
- Roy Boy: Cool.
- Kabral: Trini Lopez? I never could figure that one out, man. What in the hell was he doing in The Dirty Dozen, man? If I was putting together a group of murderers and cutthroats, Trini Lopez would not be in the starting lineup.
- Boomer: That's why he dies first.
- Roy Boy: Yeah, don't they all die?
- Boomer: They all don't die.
- Kabral: Jim Brown dies.
- Roy Boy: Hey man, what do you expect? Of all The Dirty Dozen, this black guy's supposed to sneak in behind enemy lines and pretend he was a Kraut? Huh?
- Boomer: Uh-huh?
- Kabral: That's not it, man. It's just the black guy always dies. Think about it, man. Unforgiven, Alien, Rocky 4, The Shining...
- Roy Boy: Star Trek 2, Forrest Gump, Witness...
- Boomer: Annie Hall! Not Annie Hall...
- Roy Boy: No, Night Of The Living Dead.
- Boomer: That's the one!
- Kabral: And what about that brother in Jurassic Park, man?
- Roy Boy: Oh, that was cool.
- Boomer: There was two black guys who died in that one! That was a twofer! You must be really pissed off at that one!
- Kabral: I'm telling you, man. The black guy always dies first.
- [Highway patrolman tells Boomer why his graffiti must be in both English and French]
- Highway Patrolman: Le Quebecois.
- Boomer: Huh?
- Highway Patrolman: You know. Wine drinkers. Pea soup eaters. French Canadians!
- RCMP Officer at Headquarters: I don't know what you're talking aboot, eh?
- Kabral: Aboot! It's ABOUT! And what's with this 'eh' business?
- Roy Boy: [pointing a gun] We have ways of making you pronounce the letter O, pal.
- U.S. President: The American people, Mr. Smiley, would never ever buy this.
- Smiley: Mr. President, the American people will buy whatever we tell them to.
- R.J. Hacker, President of Hacker Dynamics: The American public's attention span is about as long as your dick.
- U.S. President: You sold control of American missiles to a foreign country?
- R.J. Hacker, President of Hacker Dynamics: If you can call Canada foreign.
- Smiley: Or a country.
- General Panzer: What do you want to do, sir? About Russia, sir?
- U.S. President: Yeah, why don't we call up and find out who's in charge over there this week.
- [TV Announcer describes the Canadian National Tower in Toronto]
- Edwin S. Simon, NBS News Anchor: It is the height of six American football fields, or five Canadian football fields. As if Canadian football really counts.
- Redneck Protester #1: Everything I see and hear about these Canadians makes me wanna puke!
- Redneck Protester #2: It's time we put the "America" back in North America! GOD BLESS BUD BOOMER!
- Crowd of Protestors: USA! USA! USA! USA!
- General Panzer: Why don't we just go up there with a strike force and knock out their infrastructure quicker than you can say collateral damage?
- Smiley: No!
- U.S. President: Oh no, no.
- General Panzer: Why not?
- U.S. President: Yeah, yeah, why not?
- Smiley: Because a war with Canada would be over in a matter of days. Do you remember Grenada? They didn't even wake Reagan up.
- General Panzer: Didn't have to.
- Smiley: And all we found there were a bunch of rich American med school rejects and a couple Cuban construction workers
- General Panzer: That's liberal bullshit! Cuba had a division in there.
- Smiley: What about Panama? A couple of days of blasting Def Leppard over loud speakers and Noriega ran out weeping. And Iraq, ha! They were supposed to have this big bad army.
- General Panzer: They had the biggest cannon, invented by a Canadian.
- Smiley: In 72 hours after we invade they're begging for a Big Mack.
- General Panzer: They stopped us a hundred miles short of Baghdad and we just sat there waving our dicks in the desert.
- Smiley: Mr. President do you want more of that, or 50 years of Cold War prosperity because Joe Schmo American is scared shitless the world's gonna end before the next commercial.
- U.S. President: Well, I think I like Mr. Smiley's approach.
- R.J. Hacker, President of Hacker Dynamics: Here he is now. The man that a thin majority of you chose to be the president of the United States.
- Gus: Canadians are always dreaming up a lotta ways to ruin our lives. The metric system, for the love of God! Celsius! Neil Young!
- U.S. President: I want to say to Prime Minister MacDonald: Surrender her pronto, or we'll level Toronto.
- RCMP Officer at Headquarters: Welcome to Canada.
- Boomer: Hold it right there, Canuck!
- RCMP Officer at Headquarters: Who are you?
- Boomer: I'm your worst nightmare. I'm a citizen with a constitutional right to bear arms!
- President's aide: Sir, the Helms amendment and NSC order 725 both specifically prohibit the use of Omega Force against Caucasians.
- Candy Striper at Canadan Hospital: Oh we're not doctors. We're candy stripers! Our universal health care system has determined that you don't actually need a doctor until...
- Candy Striper at Canadan Hospital: ...2006!
- RCMP Helecopter: Attention, please. Attention, please. This is the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Would you come down from the tower, please.
- Honey: If you say "please" one more time, I'm gonna let you have it!
- General Panzer: Let me level with you, sir. I would destroy any nation - even my own - if my president gave the order.
- [attempting to speak French on the phone]
- U.S. President: Écoutez!
- [pause]
- U.S. President: Vous avez gagné.
- [pause]
- U.S. President: [uncertain] Fermez les rockettes, okay!
- [pause]
- U.S. President: [embarrassed] About two years in high school and four years in college.
- Gus: These Canadians suffer from a serious inferiority complex. That's why they built this: The Canadian National Tower! World's largest free-standing structure!
- Boomer: Y'know, it's a free country. If he doesn't like it here, he can swim across the river to Canada. Lotta work there.
- Russian President: Mr. President, please. Is this why you called us here? We already gave up! You won! We are too busy trying to perfect universal indoor plumbing!
- Smiley: How do you know that was a nuclear facility?
- General Panzer: Well, they tricked us on that one. That's a hospital. But it's a hell of a strike!
- Secretary of State: We were thinking, what could be a bigger threat than aliens invading from space?
- General Panzer: Ooh boy! Scare the shit out of everyone. Even me, sir!
- U.S. President: Jesus, is this the best you could come up with? What about, ya know, international terrorism?
- General Panzer: Well, sir, we're not going to re-open missile factories just to fight some creeps running around in exploding rental cars, are we, sir?
- Omega Force Leader: [a member of the omega force collapses. The leader goes up to him] You ok?
- Omega Force member: Yeah, it's just my toe.
- [the team leader shoots him]
- Hacker Hellstorm: This is the Hacker Hellstorm. One minute until total annihilation. Have a nice day.
- [while in a tank, driving through a "Welcome to Mexico" sign]
- Gus: Ha ha ha, there it is! Like I care!
- Toronto Kid: The Canadian National Tower. There is some crazy American woman up there with a big gun.