Scorpion

One of the stupid sub-genres I love is low budget action films starring foreign born "martial arts masters." This one features Tonny Tolleners, a dude whose primary claim to fame is that he once beat Chuck Norris in some type of contest. That must have been many years before this movie was made.

I am usually willing to grade on a curve in the case of these low budget films. Actually the budget on this probably wasn't too low since it had a few semi-known professional actors in it. But since it was a product of Crown International Pictures, I'm sure they didn't break the bank putting this down on celluloid.

Those professional folks do the best they can, but the movie is stuck with a lead who can't act. This was Tolleners' only film. Where he should stand out, the action/fight sequences, he also fails to impress. And that my friends, denotes a BIG problem. When you have a "martial arts master" who can't fight worth a damn (or at least appears that way due to the way the fights and stunts have been staged), then you are really doomed as a movie. Pacing here is deadly slow. I was hoping for the hero to get shot just so some excitement would ensue. Also aggravating is the middle 1980's synthesizer based musical score, which has not aged well in any way, shape or form.

I did like the scene filmed in my old neighborhood, downtown Los Angeles around Fifth and Main, seen in far too many films and TV shows standing in for "generic urban slum." Bet that's not the only time somebody got shot in the stairwell of the Rosslyn Hotel.

This movie can be avoided by all but the most masochistic fan of 1980's action films.

The film features a Martial Artist who beat Chuck Norris in a match in real life. He isn't too much of a actor, but he could've been perfect direct-to-video star if he started in the 90's. The film has bad lighting and low production value, but I guess all the money went to the supporting actors (Don Murray, who doesn't do "B" movies and Robert Logan who just did the 20th century Fox film A NIGHT IN HEAVEN the same year) and several locations isn't cheap either(Spain/Hawaii/California). Original plot centers Tony as a agent protecting a terrorist, and his childhood friends gets killed, so now it's personal! Music seems to feel as if it was put in later by Crown International. This film opened in Seattle with no ads as a second feature in several drive-in, but it opened wide in Los Angeles. Recommended to action fans.

So far, the majority of Crown International Pictures films I've watched have been sex comedies, and pretty much all of them have been sub-par. My next was SCORPION, a Crown action film, and I can report that it's as inept as their comedies. This comes across as a cheap knock-off of a Chuck Norris movie lacking the pure entertainment value of a Cannon film from the same era.

The extraordinarily wooden Tonny Tulleners stars in the titular role, playing a secret agent used by the American government. When personal tragedy hits he goes on a killing spree to bring down the terrorist group responsible. What this all boils down to is a mixture of dodgy emoting and exposition scenes mixed with some very lacklustre action bits.

Tulleners obviously has some skill in the martial arts stakes but the fight scenes are so slow and laborious that any true fan of the martial arts will merely laugh at them. I can't help but feel that SCORPION could have been a good film, somehow, despite the deficiencies of the budget; it has potential, perhaps. But in the hands of documentary maker William Riead it's a really inept movie.

Okay, full confession: My "review" is based soley on Razorfist's review on his YouTube channel, and even through that "buffer" the movie was painful to watch.

In short, avoid the movie proper -- unless you're a gluten for punishment -- watch Razor's review.

"When Terror Rules, Only One Man Can Break Through!" The one and only Tonny Tulleners stars in his one and only movie role as Agent "Steve Woods"and gives a appropriately wooden performance, but what else would you expect? He is not an actor. He is a karate champion who beat Chuck Norris at least once in real life. His agent codename is "Scorpion"....you don't want to get stung by this guy! The action "kicks off" in Spain when Tonny injects himself into a barroom brawl. We don't know why but he looks cool with his killer 'Stache and a nylon jacket with brown bell bottoms and boots. Then after some confusing and unnecessary location changes, hopping from Spain to Holland to Hawaii and finally settling in L.A., the story begins.

In a plot that is as relevant today as it was in 1986 (when the movie was made), terrorists take over an airplane and only one man can stop them: Larry Storch. No! It's "Scorpion" of course you fool! In an actual plot point, Woods' boss, who looks a lot like Phil Rizzuto, tells him to wear shorts when boarding a plane that terrorists have taken over. It is still on the runway and filled with hostages. The reasoning is that the terrorists will see he is not carrying a gun. Woods takes his pants off and changes into some white short-shorts. Little did the terrorists know, his fists n' feet are the real weapons. Most of the hijackers are dispatched in short order. The main baddie, "Faued" is left alive and then a 90 minute cat & mouse game ensues....Tonny style.

A creepy looking blond guy and his black partner stalk Tonny and eventually get beat up by him, and unfortunately in one of the many melees, his partner and childhood friend kicks the bucket. There is an emotional flashback of Tonny and his friend in a park where they demonstrate their strength and try to push over a statue. This strength wasn't enough to save his friend later in life. Tonny is very broken up about it. He is tough man, but he has a soft heart (and a soft voice to match). His new partner inexplicably carries around a wooden recorder and starts playing an annoying tune. This clown can't live up to Tonny's fallen partner.

A highlight of the film is the rockin' music. It was probably made by a guy playing the keytar and making a wicked "Keytar face". Tulleners beats up the bad guys with quiet dignity and grace.

Get beat by Tonny once tonight with this classic!

Comeuppance Review by Ty & Brett

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