Alien Private Eye

A pointy-eared alien working on Earth as a gumshoe becomes involved in a bloody street war over a mysterious extraterrestrial disc. To save the Earth and the Earth girl he loves, he must thwart the sinister plans of a cabalistic militia led by a sadistic psychopath, and junkies strung-out on a narcotic imported from another world.

Imagine yourself walking barefoot down a road strewn with thumb-tacks, your mouth filled with bullet ants, and clothespins on your nipples. That's how I'd best describe the searing agony and algolagnic ecstasy of watching ALIEN PRIVATE EYE, a movie so exotically awful that you might opt for a "safe word" your first time seeing it. It's the perfect storm...the most unendurably bad actors in the history of stage and screen, editing presumably performed with a Slap-Chop gadget, clichéd film noir trappings, pitiable action scene choreography, and a leading man dressed like 80s-era EL DEBARGE. Seriously...you never had it so good.

Only a massive stroke could inhibit a wide-grinned reaction to the unpremeditated hilarity of this steamrolling ne-plus-ultra...another fine product from RAE DON VIDEO.

OK, I understand that writing a review of Alien Private Eye is like falling down an abandoned missile silo in north-central Kansas in the middle of a blizzard. Maybe somebody'll spot my mortal remains in the spring, maybe not. I write this in the faint hope that some fellow collector of video trash has found a copy in a bin somewhere, and is wondering whether it's worth $2.00, 3 for $5.00, and is checking out imdb.

Fellow wanderer from the 21st century, cop this treasure and you'll never be alone the rest of your life. People will follow you around in public begging to borrow it, and hotties of both sexes will throw pebbles against your windowpane at 3:30AM to try and get you to come out and play, and, oh, please bring THAT TAPE.

Maybe the weirdest part about this turd-on-tape is that all concerned didn't drop off the edge of the earth after it was...released? ejected?? The producer/ director/ writer/ honeywagon driver, Vik Rubenfeld (all over the credits simply as--VIKK, just--VIKK) has one other professional credit: executive producer of the syndie Early Edition. Hey, better than what I've got. Aspiring showbiz types, remember this. It IS possible to fall in pigsh*t in the movie bidness and arise ten years later smelling like a tea rose.

The protagonist, Nikki Fastinetti, does in fact look like one of the Pini's elves, particularly after gluing on the pointy ears that are the only indication he's an alien. Seriously, there's no other aspect of his being that has anything to do with his being from another world. He has no special powers, no interesting anatomical anomalies, no scene in which he beams up out of danger. His clothes, though. Oh sweet lord his clothes. Mr. Fastinetti is garbed throughout in the most amazing pimp vines imaginable. All I can guess is that these were either left over from some other production, or the director's girlfriend whipped these up in a moment of pure inspiration and wouldn't be denied.

But John Alexander's in it (Mikey from MIB). And Robert Axelrod, who's had one of those great careers that show that there is a middle ground in Hollywood between stardom and utter obscurity, a place where nice people buy cars on time and get mortgages and take budget-conscious vacations and build sensible stock portfolios (OK, for all I know Robert Axelrod is a painthuffing derelict who lives in a packing crate, but given his career of steady work and respectable little parts, it COULD happen).

Also something called "Nur Nur," one Nur Nur Cummings, who's overcome the stigma of being called Nur Nur and has actually produced another crappy movie. Nur Nur plays the #2 alien, and looks a whole lot like Mark Blankfield (and if that's before your time, a butch Gene Wilder). Nur Nur does the entire movie in a Peter Lorre voice. Not vaguely Peter Lorre, but a full-on Peter Lorre. Why? Only Nur Nur and his father confessor know. Like Lemro's alien-ness, it has absolutely nothing to do with anything else in the movie.

Cliff Adduddell hasn't done anything else, though. He doesn't need to. Cliff Adduddell is Kilgore, the bad guy. Kilgore is EVIL. Kilgore has a picture of Adolf Hitler, about the size of a baseball trading card, mounted 'way high up on the wall of his sanctum sanctorum, that he passionately worships. Kilgore snarls, emotes, shoots underlings, and is as much fun to watch as three seven-year-old boys with superhero capes on a backyard trampoline. His double-take near the end of the movie is an American classic. You'll howl, you'll throw things, you'll cop the shot as PC wallpaper.

What else? Oh, in the big sunfight between Nikki and the bad guys, watch for the ol' Switched Girlfriends Ploy. It's like Kilgore's Big Take, I won't attempt to describe it-watch it, savor it, rewind over and over again.

Do you treasure your multiple copies of Housegeist, each with a different title? Then find Alien Private Eye and store it in your nitrogen-atmosphere, 42º preservation vault, along with all the other great movies in your collection that you're 1000% sure will never, ever, ever see on DVD.

A gang of thugs threaten a lady when a dude looking like a Michael Jackson impersonator complete with black fedora hat comes to her rescue. What does a hero do now? You start dancing, call up a random friend and gloat about the hot lady you've meet and then hit a club with her. When a bare bones aliens subplot emerges and the bad acting, action continues it quickly dawns on you 'Alien Private Eye' is bananas and not in a fun way.

Lemro (Nicholas Hill) saves Suzy (Judith Burke) twice within the same day, the two become involved and he reveals he's an alien. It turns out a gang is trying to track down a powerful disc that is the key to a highly addictive otherworldly drug and Suzy has the second piece. Now Lemro the private eye is thrust into a battle of good vs evil versus this gang. Coming face to face with it's leader Killgore (Cliff Aduddell) who'll let no one stand in his way of power & wealth.

I appreciate a good b-movie and sometimes a bad movie can be a barrel of laughs, but it's a fine line. Especially if friends or alcohol is not involved. 'Alien Private Eye' is the type of trip I don't enjoy, usually seek out. I cracked a smile once or twice at it's absurd elements - wait until the hero wields a laser gun mounted to his arm near the end - but I can't in good conscious recommend it.

Alien private eye is so hilarious you will not believe your eyes and ears. This movie is a perfect 80's time capsule,it has everything,from bad clothes to hideous decoration. The plot(if it has one) is simple:a guy who looks like a pimp but it's a p.i from another planet (with pointed ears and stuff) helps a girl who has to find a disk that contains a powerful drug ???? The rest is simply amazing:kung fu fights,macho showing off,soft core,"noir" style scenes,posing,some special effects and surrealistically bad dialog.That's it! It is strongly recommended to MST3K fans and fans of bad cinema in particular.It is so charming that you will love every minute of it.That's its only redeeming point:it is a entertaining movie, always moving on. And that's a thing you can't say of the last Spielberg movies,by the way...

This movie has everything going for it: Horrible acting, the most worthless plot ever conceived (if there was one) and clothes even michael jackson or elton john wouldn't wear.

Lemro is just horribly done that you can't tear your eyes from the screen. i strongly suggest everyone try to watch this, just so that you can base hollywood garbage on something even worse and actually be satisfied with what they're churning out nowadays.