Surpresa de Shanghai

"Shanghai Surprise" is an idiotic, out-of-date, poorly-acted, campy action film that wants to be a romantic comedy. Madonna, in her second starring role, had about enough acting talent at this point as a doll. Unfortunately, the doll in this movie comes off looking better than she does.

Madonna, playing a missionary (!) nurse (!!) for a Shanghai mission, is in search of opium (!!!) for medicinal purposes (!!?!!) approaches Sean Penn, an American soldier-of-fortune type who happens to speak Chinese. Penn and Madonna, who were married at the time this film were made, are obviously uncomfortable with the material and do little to justify the film's existence. Penn mugs his way through and attempts to crach a few weak jokes, while Madonna stamps her foot and places her hands on her hips as she squeaks (yes, she squeaks, and you must hear it to believe it) in frustration.

The plot is absolutely ridiculous -- Madonna and Sean Penn chasing after a mysterious cargo of opium known as "Faraday's Flowers" (incidentally, the name of the book this movie is based on) must run from a Chinese gangster with porcelain hands, have a romantic interlude with an Imperial concubine, teach baseball skills to another Chinese gangster, and (boy, aren't we surprised) sleep together to seal a deal.

This movie, like "Mommie Dearest" or "Plan Nine From Outer Space" has immense camp value because it's so deliciously awful. Utterly predictable, insipid, and full of instantly forgettable lines, this movie is the equivalent of the yellow stuff they stick on your nachos at the movie theatres -- it's not really good enough to be real cheese, but it's much cheaper and tastes pretty much the same anyway. This movie isn't even cheesy enough to be cheesy.

Avoid "Shanghai Surprise" unless, like me, you like Madonna WAY too much or if you're just a fan of bad movies.

Penn is miscast and Madonna has a straight, subdued, do-gooder role that's a big conceptual mistake - it saps her of energy and fun. Excruciatingly dull and dreary - even the location shooting in Hong Kong cannot save it. * out of 4.

In 1930s Japanese occupied Shanghai, sleazy drunkard and drifter Glendon Wasey (Sean Penn) is stranded without the means to get home and his sole possession of several novelty neckties. Wasey is approached by missionary Miss Tatlock (Madonna) who enlists his help as a translator in supposedly finding the missing father of a bedridden soldier in the care of her mission, which spirals into a chase for a crate of lost opium that puts both Miss Tatlock and Wasey in contact with various duplicitous and unseemly elements in Shanghai.

Shanghai Surprise is a 1986 romantic comedy adventure film based on Tony Kenrick's 1985 novel Faraday's Flowers that served as a vehicle for then newlywed husband and wife Madonna and Sean Penn. Due to the high profile nature of the real life relationship between the stars, the film attracted considerable attention even prior to release with reports of photographers inundating the set of the film that Penn demanded the film's publicist be fired. A co-production between the US and Britain, distributor MGM rejected director Jim Goddard's initial cut of the film and order re-edits as Goddard was unable to secure alternative distribution. Prior to release both Penn and Madonna attempted to distance themselves from the film including demanding their likenesses be removed from tie-in novel and MGM clearly knew they had a bomb on their hands as it opened in only 400 theaters in 18th place behind several Summer holdovers ending its run with a little over $2 million against a $15 million budget. Critical reception was overwhelmingly negative with many lambasting the performances, writing, technical aspects, and even the original songs and score done in part by George Harrison were poorly received to the point the soundtrack album's release was cancelled. Shanghai Surprise is a mess of a movie and is definitely a case of everyone giving their worst work.

In terms of what Shanghai Surprise is: think a kind of screwball comedy mixture with shades of Maltese Falcon, some elements of Romancing the Stone, and some elements of older films like To Have and Have Not, and you'll get somewhat in the ballpark of what watching Shanghai Surprise is like (assuming you transfer the elements of those films without what worked). The movie has a problem maintaining a consistent tone as parts of the film seem like they're playing in a manner akin to a screwball farce complete with limp pratfalls and floundering gags that linger way longer than necessary, while other parts such as Lim Kay Tong's performance as Mei Gan is so dark it feels like he belongs in something like Temple of Doom. Jim Goddard had a respectable history in British period television prior to this film (and subsequently returned there) and Goddard shows absolutely no flair for directing this kind of light hearted adventure film as the pacing is way too slow and deliberate for either an adventure film or a comedy. Sean Penn is hopelessly unappealing as Glendon Wasey and when looking at the majority of Penn's career one notices he doesn't typically do comedies and Shanghai Surprise is a prime example of just how hopeless Penn is when he comes to comedy as he often looks stiff and uncomfortable and can't deliver lines with any comic punch (a far cry from his dramatic works). And then of course we have Madonna, while Madonna has the looks of a leading lady, she doesn't have the delivery or presence of one. Madonna's performance as Miss Tatlock is very wooden and she doesn't sell the comedic scenes or even the romantic scenes all that well (with the chemistry rather flat between Madonna and Penn). The only good point I can remark on from the film is maybe the production design and some of the costuming, but it's in service of such ineptitude that its novelty wears off.

Shanghai Surprise is the definition of a "Hollywood trainwreck". You have a big budget and name stars in a seemingly decent setup for something like this only for it to crash and burn before your eyes. As a time capsule for a certain focus of celebrity history of the 80s it's maybe worth a viewing, but it is a bit of a slog getting through it.

In 1938 China, a pretty but prim missionary needs to find a hidden stash of smuggled opium (for medicinal purposes!) and attempts to recruit the help of a ratty-looking con-man; his latest get-rich-quick scheme is glow-in-the-dark ties! After an OK opening (without Sean Penn and Madonna), this falls completely apart, weighed down by lethargic attempts at screwball comedy and no chemistry whatsoever between the leads (then a married couple). Based on Tony Kenrick's novel "Faraday's Flowers" (a better title), this failure from George Harrison's HandMade Films must have been a devastating blow to the ex-Beatle, who also executive produced, co-wrote the score and wrote and performed the songs (which are heavy on the camp-Asian allure). Just getting through the picture is a chore, and everything about it seems eternally misjudged. NO STARS from ****

OK. So someone took an A-list actor and his famous singer/ part time kind of-sort of actress wife and decided that the movie would be carried on the weight of the names alone. Substitute "fiancee" for wife and one has Gigli.

But it is not- it is Shanghai Surprise, possibly the most ill-conceived movie of the 1980's (and yes, I have seen "Hobgoblins.")

This movie has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Ridiculous plot, painfully bad acting (Madonna as a missionary? She didn't buy it either, so she says her lines in a flat tone which just screams "get me out of this costume and get me my check"), cinematography worthy of an old episode of "Fantasy Island," lame ending.

If, by some chance, you stumble across a copy of this in an unused corner of your local video rental store, call your local hazardous waste disposal hotline- do not rent it.

But do not forget that this horror exists. Some people forgot- and thus "Gigli" was born.