The Patriot

Starring the most ludicrous, unlikely 'leading man' - Gregg Henry - 'The Patriot' (not to be confused with any other 'The Patriot') is an oaf-heavy 1980's big-hair blow from start to finish.

Gregg's a mean-ass, biker/military type, who just happens to pop in for a beer at the same bar a gang who've just stolen two hydrogen bombs are at . .

Looking uncomfortably tough/camp in his leather jacket, and bovine from the neck up, Gregg quickly gets involved in terrorism and action. Mightily duff one-liners, scowling and Leslie Nielsen cameos hindering him not one jot.

Ratatat . . . Boom !!

Nothing to see here, ppl.

"A Fight For Freedom On The Ocean Floor!" When smugglers sneak into a nuclear storage facility and steal some nukes, only one man can stop them: ex-Navy SEAL and Vietnam vet Lieutenant Matt Ryder (Henry). Back in 'Nam he was known as "The Patriot". He assembles a team to help him, which includes Howard (Pollard) and Kenwood (Mike Gomez). The top Brass, Admiral Frazer (Nielsen) and Commander Mitchell (Conaway) oversee Ryder, who is one bad dude with an attitude. He wears his shades and rides his Harley to bars and picks up chicks. Will Ryder be able to stop the smugglers? Somehow this movie manages to fill up 90 minutes with not very much happening. There are only mere strands of a plot with some filler in-between. Sure, there are some familiar faces, which is nice, but it's not enough. NOT ENOUGH HAPPENS! However, if you want to see Michael J. Pollard play Twister with a cheerleader you can see it here.

There's a Barfight at The Chili Factory (that should have been the title for this movie, come to think of it) which is pretty lackluster, like the rest of this dull film. The dummies that steal the nuke, the guys that look like David Spade and Andre Agassi, are so dumb, it's hard to believe that A. They could break into ANY kind of facility and B. That they are a serious threat - so the movie has no suspense. The bad guys just dance around to the song "Dance the Night Away" by Randy and Liz Jackson. They're not exactly Ahmadinejad.

The babyish, cackling Pollard is always nice to see, as was Leslie Nielsen in a serious role. It was before he was typecast as a wacky comic actor. It's hard to believe, in 2010, that there was ever a time before Wrongfully Accused (1998) and 2001: A Space Travesty (2000), but there it is for the world to see. There was a scene with just Henry, Nielsen and Conaway in a room talking, which was cool, but it could have been awesome if there was some tension or fireworks.

The action largely takes place on an oil rig, and has to do with explosions. Is BP aware of this? It's almost eerie to watch. Almost. Technical notes: John Barrett of American Kickboxer 1 (1990) and Shootfighter (1992) fame and Kane Hodder of Friday the 13th fame are listed as Stuntmen. The screenplay was co-written by Katt Shea Ruben of The Devastator (1985) fame.

In all, this bland film could have used MORE - more action, more tension, more violence, more edge, more Nielsen, more ANYTHING! It's not BAD per se, but despite the good cast, The Patriot is, sadly, lacking.

For more insanity, please visit: comeuppancereviews.com

I've found a TV channel that seems to be showing the whole back catalogue of the 'Crown International Pictures' production company and so far their output seems to have been pretty hopeless. THE PATRIOT is a cheap, poorly-cast action thriller that feels like an American Bond flick, with a loquacious cowboy taking on the role of the hero and some nondescript terrorists plotting to commit various atrocities.

Let's be honest here: this is poor stuff indeed, ineptly directed and with very tame and insipid action sequences. The real story seems to take forever to get going and when it finally does you wonder if it was worth it. The only thing this has going for it is a mini UNDER SIEGE scenario at the climax in which the hero and his buddies climb onto a ship populated by hijackers.

The erstwhile hero of the piece is played by the miscast Gregg Henry, better known to audiences for playing scuzzy characters in the likes of PAYBACK and SLITHER. Old timers Michael J. Pollard and Leslie Nielsen show up, the latter with such a deep voice that it sounds like he was dubbed. Everywhere THE PATRIOT is tame and predictable, and only huge fans of cheap 1980s cinema will get a kick out of it.

It's not a 1, because you can't help but laugh at its lethargic plot hilarious 'characters' and woeful acting. Its ability to successfully not explain anything at all is a miracle of its own right, nevermind the stupidity of the badguys (hard of hearing too).

Fight scenes are ineptly shot, the underwater combat is just plain confusing as you can't tell who you're looking at during any one sequence (plus lovely editing means you're never sure if it's 3 seconds or 3 hours later).

Ah, terrible, so very very terrible. If this ever received anything other than the "Straight to Video" treatment then I'd be very surprised.

The Patriot is a truly awful 80s action movie. In fact, it is so terrible that I thought it might have been a spoof until the blood started to flow. This film is poorly made, badly directed and something of a grazing ground for incompetent actors. And yet, it is also funny and mindlessly entertaining in a way that only 80s action trash can be.

The plot, if you could call it that, revolves around an ex-Navy Seal called Ryder. Ryder would have to be one of the most personality free action heroes in the history of cinema. If he's not mumbling something to one of his badly permed lady friends in the local bar, he's visiting a demented couple on a houseboat who play Twister dressed as high school students. In addition to these activities, Ryder is also called on by the Navy to stop the detonation of a stolen nuclear weapon. This proves to be rather straightforward due to a friend of Ryder conveniently finding the label from a missing nuke at her workplace. The coincidences continue when Ryder runs into his ex-lover on a Navy ship and we are treated to an incredibly unpleasant lovemaking scene between this most unattractive of couples. The film reaches a new low when two of the thieves dance to 80s pop music while unloading the nuke and then debate going to Disneyland.

There really is no excuse for this smörgåsbord of incompetence. The film was written by Katt Shea of "Poison Ivy" and "Stripped To Kill" fame, the budget appears to have been substantial given the scope of the special effects and Gregg Henry, who plays Ryder, is usually a very good actor. I guess this is just one of those ill-fated projects that inexplicably ends up being terrible. However, the incredibly dull direction, multitude of goofs and appalling supporting cast would not have helped matters.

Despite all the film's flaws, I could not help but find "The Patriot" mildly amusing. For example, Ryder's reunion with Sean, complete with Vietnam war back story, is so contrived and ridiculous that I had to laugh. The same goes for Jeff Conaway's crazy-eyed performance and the bumbling villains ("What's a Hiroshima?"). The action itself, while poorly handled, is still moderately entertaining. Maggie's decompression chamber mishap was my personal highlight.

The Patriot is not a film I would want to watch again but it is probably worth watching on TV if you are heavily medicated and there is nothing else on but re-runs of "Designing Women". Fans of bad 80s action movies or Leslie Nielsen might find it more bearable.