Missão Laser

Sometimes you just have to raid the DVD bin at the dollar store to have a good laugh with some friends. I found this jem today and promptly purchased it, sped home to toss it into my DVD player, and basked in the glory of my home theater.

Okay, not really. Obviously the movie is ripped from a VHS source, with the highly bleeding reds and hue saturation that would make a drag queen toss out his makeup bag.

The audio is pretty lo-fi, except for the odd instances where glass breaks and it magically turns into a life-like experience.

Brandon Lee reminds me of a young Bruce Campbell in this movie, believe it or not. Lots of corny dialogue and one-liners throughout. He gets beat up and shot at, and actually takes a few of the hits once in a while. There's TONS of continuity errors with the editing.

The accents are hilarious, as well as the spoken and written Spanish that was so poor I thought that I might have written it. Since I don't remember the movie actually saying they were in Cuba, it's funny to just imagine some fictional land of VW vans with unlimited fuel supplies, disappearing camels, and 400 mile deserts that are very easy to navigate through as long as you find a horse after it ran away a day ago.

The movie is actually somewhat fast-paced, unlike most of the garbage that was intolerable even while inebriated that I've grabbed up from the $1 bins.

Next time you run by it, pick yourself up a copy, then pour out some of your 40 in memory of the late, great, Brandon Lee.

Bad news folks. The Soviets are on some sort of...LASER MISSION!

Even if that brief plot summary doesn't tell you all you need to know about "Laser Mission", you'll get the idea within the first few minutes. It's a B-movie to it's core, complete with B-movie editing, scripting, and logic. While watching you may occasionally even wonder how this one might have worked as an episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000".

That said, there are two audiences that will appreciate "Laser Mission" -- B-movie junkies and fans of Brandon Lee, who was destined for better roles than the one he has here. If you fall into either or both of those categories, this movie might be worth your time.

This film is Hilarious.

The Budget was so small that they had to re-use extras repeatedly. There's this one guy who stands out like a sore thumb,

(He's a Black Guy with huge Yellow front teeth), I counted him in the film 22 times, with Brandon Lee killing him 18 of those times !

Editing is the worst I have ever seen .......

Bad guy called: "Col. Kalishnakov" ......

Ernest Borgnine as a German, who speaks with a Russian acent.....

Majority of the crew have never worked on another film.....

This would be brilliant to show in Film School's, for what not to do.

This film is so terribly bad, that its actually Brilliant !

I WAS drunk the first time I saw it, so I laughed more, even still though - You gotta see this film.

In only his second leading role, Brandon Lee already shows charisma and even a gift for self-parody, and he particularly shines when he's allowed to show his terrific fighting skills....unfortunately there is much more gun action than hand-to-hand combat here. His co-star, Debi Monahan, is not much of a fighter, but she's sexy, she can handle a gun and if there was a "best cleavage" award in the movies then I think she would have won it that year. Watching these two almost makes up for the forced "comic relief" from the secondary characters, the monotonous action, the confusing geography and the low production values. But who thought it was a good idea to have Ernest Borgnine waving a shotgun and running around in the desert at his age? (Happy belated 89th birthday, by the way!) (**)

While roaming the dollar DVD bin recently, I picked out this 1990 action movie that stars the late Brandon Lee, Bruce Lee's son. The only movie from Brandon that I had previously seen is probably the only movie of his that you've seen, 1994's "The Crow," which made him a star but cost him his life. He was shot to death during filming of that movie by an improperly loaded gun. I knew that he had done a few minor movies before that but had never seen any.

I'm not endorsing "Laser Mission." From the opening credits I could tell that it was very cheaply done. And, at least on this DVD, the audio is about a full second behind the visual! The movie is about a maverick government agent named Michael Gold (played by Lee), who goes on a mission to save a scientist named Braun (Ernest Borgnine), who is being forced by the Soviets to build a nuclear weapon, combining a laser with a huge diamond. Great stuff! Brandon's acting is okay, as is Borgnine's. I like Brandon's sarcastic wit. But much of the rest of the acting is pretty amateur, especially that of his character's love interest, Alissa (Debi Monahan) who might pass for a decent porno actress.

The action scenes aren't bad for a low budget movie but the script is weak and loaded with '80s action movie clichés. And it's especially humorous to see Alissa - who looks and acts like a typical blonde, air headed bimbo - joining Michael in blowing away dozens of bad guys! She also does some pretty impressive driving - in a peace wagon, no less - while Michael blows away still more bad guys from the back seat!

But there are two things that make the movie worth the dollar for me. One is that parts of it are so bad that they're hilarious, including one time when Brandon and a guy who he's fighting both fall off of a building about 30 feet high and Brandon lands just gets up and walks away! The other guy wasn't so lucky, falling on the spikes of a fence and dying.

And the other thing I love about the movie is the music, done by none other than David Knopfler of Dire Straits. He has one straight ahead rocker that is played during the opening credits, closing credits and several times in between. I guess they were either on a tight budget so they could afford little music or they really loved that song! I think it's played six times during the movie!

I'm pretty sure that's the only vocal song in the movie. The instrumental stuff is great, too. I detect a little Pink Floyd influence in David's music.

One other note of unintentional humor from "Laser Mission," in the movie, Brandon's character wants the mission so bad that he's not doing it for the money. Yet the aforementioned song that's featured over and over is titled "Mercenary Man!" 3/10