Shocking Dark

OK, so I'm not quite a full-time professional critic just yet, dabbled in a few tomes that I hope to peddle, worked as a Mac games journalist for a couple years & then did some freelance writing for a couple other computer geek oriented websites. You know, big deal. But I do pride myself at being able to maintain at least the appearance of having a professional demeanor when it comes to writing about movies or whatever, and one of the things I learned very quickly when reading other people's essays/comments was to avoid using expressions like THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE or EASILY THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE. A good "THIS SUCKS" every once in a while is legit, since stuff either sucks or it rules.

Then I saw SHOCKING DARK (or ALIENATORS, as the version I saw was titled) and my view upon such things is shaken. There is an amazingly annoying movie called THE LEGEND OF BIGFOOT that is a fake documentary about a guy's search for Sasquatch that is actually a lot of idle nature photography edited together with vacation footage and then about ten minutes of staged Bigfoot related scenes, one or two of which actually show some schook dressed up like Bigfoot for about 8 seconds in total. At one point they use a rigid, posed, stuffed bear lying on it's side to simulate one of Bigfoot's victims. The most dramatic scene in the film is when a groundhog is hit by a car and it's frantic mate drags it into their hole before a hawk circling overhead can eat them.

THE LEGEND OF BIGFOOT is a better movie than SHOCKING DARK. JOHN Q. with Denzel Washington was a better movie than SHOCKING DARK. So was CROSSROADS with Britney Spears or even DOOM: THE MOVIE with The Rock, which bears a superficial resemblance to SHOCKING DARK. KID VENGEANCE is a better movie than SHOCKING DARK, and that is saying a lot. The science fiction films of Alfonso Brescia cannot even touch SHOCKING DARK's layers of utter awfulness. Larry Buchanan's ZONTAR - THING FROM VENUS is a cerebral masterpiece by comparison. MEGAFORCE is a better movie. GYMKATA is a better movie. They are silly, goofy, clumsy, cheesy, and hopelessly derivative, but they have the distinction of being watchable.

I will let others describe the plot: SHOCKING DARK is in many ways like Mattei's far superior (and highly equally stupid) ROBOWAR: It is a collage, a pastiche of moments, lines, specific incidents, plot ideas, individual shots and even the same title as other movies. They are turned on their side, mixed up, jumbled, re-arranged, given slightly different names, and re-assembled into a narrative that serves no point, tells no story, and exists as a collection of 90 second interludes that all segue into each other and are edited together to take on the appearance of a movie. I will admit that the *LOOK* of the film is pretty polished: they found some sort of a huge power plant, hung up a bunch of neon lights, dressed a mob of clowns up like the Power Rangers, and have them scuttling about pretending to be various cast members of ALIENS, PREDATOR, FULL METAL JACKET, ROBOCOP, PLATOON and THE TERMINATOR. If you watch the movie with the sound off it is actually rather impressive looking at times. But if you listen to what the people are saying it is so close to so many other movies we have seen so many times -- but just awkwardly different enough to avoid a lawsuit -- that it is disorienting and annoying. You want to fix it, or straighten the mess out so that it retains the original form Mattei was basing his film on. Sadly, art doesn't work like that and the result is a colossal annoyance.

The only analogy I can make is to sitting in the crowded waiting room of a doctor you don't particularly enjoy seeing, seated directly across from a really awful mail-order art print that has been framed, hung on the wall, and apparently brushed against by someone so that it's not hanging perfectly square. You sit in this chair and stare at this schwag art print and the only thing you can think of is how many other things you could be doing at that moment, and how pathetic that picture looks hanging there crooked. But since it isn't your picture in your office and there are other people present all you can do is sit there and suffer, waiting to be called for your turn. And then when you go back again the next month, the stupid picture is still hanging in the same crooked way, and it is time to sit and wait and stare at it all over again. The exasperation of futility.

That is what watching SHOCKING DARK is like when viewed the same way one would watch any other movie. My advice is to not do so, listen to some tunes or something, and that's why this is such a great party movie. It's awful, but if you need random cool looking images with violence and explosions while some Ozzy blares, this should be your first pick. Anyone else will need blood pressure medication before the thing is even half over: THE MOST ANNOYING MOVIE EVER MADE. There, I said it.

3/10

This movie is not actually a sequel to the 1984 James Cameron movie, but more or less a remake of Cameron's 1986 movie ALIENS. The major difference between this movie and Aliens is... well, almost nothing actually.

The plot, lines of dialog, situations, etc. are all completely identical to those seen in ALIENS, such as the mischievous android who more or less plays the "Burke" role up until he gets damaged a bit, then he goes on a TERMINATOR-style rampage chasing after the woman and the young girl.

The actual Aliens here are more like genetic mutations, and they don't really look that bad considering they're just guys in monster suits. Whatever they have to do with the plot is negligible since the movie seems to be more of a post-nuke film having to do with soldiers unlocking some government conspiracy deep in the bowels of a futuristic ruined Venice.

The cast is uniformly awful, with several Americans (some with South African accents) in the cast who appear to have little or no prior acting experience, sort of the same situation with TROLL 2 or CRUEL JAWS where I think the production company just wheeled through K-mart asking people if they wanted to act in a film. Only Fausto Lombardi comes across as anything resembling good, though Chris Ahrens and Janna Ryan are pretty amusing bad movie veterans.

The musical score for this picture I believe was liberated from a number of other 80's films, including Blade Runner and Miami Cops. Much of the footage (with the explosions, etc.) is taken from Mattei's earlier DOUBLE TARGET too.

So bad is this film, in fact, that writer/co-director Claudio Fragasso refused to make any more movies with Mattei afterward - and that's saying a lot. I have to say that I enjoyed it to a certain extent, though it's more fun to wonder how they managed to avoid a lawsuit than it is to actually sit down and watch the movie in one sitting. A little too depressing and dull to be unintentionally funny - though it does certainly have its moments.

This film has nothing to do with the 1991 sequel to the 1984 film "The Terminator." In fact, this is a low-budget film about a motely group of half-man, half-machine creatures stalking and battling each other in a post-apocalyptic future. It rips off (poorly) from just about every significant sci-fi film ever made (including BUT NOT LIMITED TO Star Trek, Aliens, Predator, Highlander, Mad Max, Terminator, etc). It was simply named "Terminator II" because of some similar plot ideas to the Schwartzenegger movie, and probably to cash in on the success of the original film.

As an unofficial sequel, it doesn't hold a candle to the official one made in 1991, a classic in it's own right. And as a film, it's even worse. Summing it up, it's simply not a good movie. Poor effects, poor acting, and lousy storyline. Skip it and go with the REAL, James Cameron sequel.

*1/2 out of ****

Everybody was bootlegging this one for years, as "Aliens 2", "Terminator 2", and the classic "Alienators". In a near future Venice that is sinking away, various soldiers for "The Tubular Corporation" try to cover-up and destroy evidence that the art museums are being looted for their treasures. Nearby genetic scientists unveil their latest mutant creation, which promptly escapes and hides in the ruined city. Eventually, the soldiers get help from the mysterious "Samuel Fuller", quickly revealed as a cybernetic soldier, out to capture and exploit the mutant creation. Soon, it's all-out chaos with the monsters fighting soldiers,with cyborgs out to profit from it all, for the Corporation. Jenna Ryan is great as the prerequisite tough soldier, and should really get better roles. It's got a piece of everything, and pits it all against each other, until a spacey psychedelic climax of cosmic proportions. I have it as "Shocking Dark", with a brief shot of a still that says "Alienators"

One can glean some indication of the quality of Shocking Dark from the fact that it was the final collaboration of Bruno Mattei and Claudio Fragasso, the latter having reached the end of his tether. That's right, the maker of classics like Troll 2 and Zombie 4: After Death finally found himself on a project he found an affront to his artistry. But to be honest, as far as plagiarism happy no budget Italian cack goes, Shocking Dark isn't all that bad, that is to say it might send you to sleep but it won't have you clawing your eyes out with frustration. Probably the earliest of Mattei's Aliens rip offs, its not quite as accomplished as his swansong Zombies: The Beginning, but as far as Aliens rip offs in general go its far from the worst of the pack, being certainly a whole lot more charming than the likes of the excremental Xtro 2. The plot has a bunch of Marines codenamed Megaforce delving beneath the remains of a post apocalyptic Venice to see why a colony there has lost all contact, and inevitably it turns out there are monsters afoot. The course of events is shameless in its pilfering from Aliens, scenes, characters are blatantly lifted as well as even the odd actual line. The audacity is amusing, and it also has the effect of giving the film a watchable structure and cosy familiarity, which is then pleasingly subverted in the finale when the film abruptly switches to ripping off a different science fiction favorite of the 80's. Of course the staging is nowhere near as effective and there are frequent spells of boredom, but things are frequently amusing and the second half musters some reasonable excitement. Most of the fun comes from the creatures popping up and dragging people off or throwing them around, the designs are typical rubber suit fare and suitably imposing, gnarly and slimy toothy beasts that spatter some pale ichor when shot, which in the latter half they frequently are. Lots of gunfire and running around, not enough explosions or physical interaction with the environment but enough gun blazing fun to keep amusement up. The cast, though possessed of little to no actual ability deliver their dialogue with gusto, frequent trash flier Geretta Giancarlo Field puts on a cool tough gal schtick, Haven Tyler is a reasonably appealing Ripley stand-in and Christopher Ahrens appropriately cold and crooked. Its all conducted with enough enthusiasm to keep the thing just about watchable even though currents of tedium snake through most of the runtime, and there's a depressing vibe to the smoky factory setting and lighting scheme of mostly blue, blueish green or on occasion deep red. The lack of any gore is a substantial minus as well, though after a while I got used to it. Altogether I can't possibly recommend this to anyone who isn't cursed to watch every available Bruno Mattei film, but for those that have to it's better than a poke in the eye with a wet stick. 4/10 from me, but a sympathetic 4/10