- Det. Roger Mortis: You know, the weird thing is, I feel fine. I feel like I could run in the Boston Marathon.
- Det. Doug Bigelow: Hey, no, you couldn't, Roger. It's not opened to dead people.
- Det. Roger Mortis: You think they'd check?
- Det. Doug Bigelow: Oh, they're very strict now.
- Det. Doug Bigelow: [He shuts the porno mag the clerk's being reading] Sorry to interrupt your erection.
- [a reanimated cow walks out of the freezer]
- Det. Roger Mortis: How do you fight this thing?
- Det. Doug Bigelow: Maybe you can drown it in A1 sauce.
- Det. Doug Bigelow: Roger, you were underwater in that Jacuzzi for five straight minutes.
- Det. Roger Mortis: That's right, I was.
- Det. Doug Bigelow: Can you teach my girlfriend how to do that?
- Randi James: Hey, you're hurt.
- Det. Roger Mortis: Lady, I'm fucking dead.
- Randi James: Well it doesn't give you the right to be rude.
- Det. Roger Mortis: [to Rebecca] The most important thing for me to do right now is to nail whoever did this to me. You understand that, don't you?
- Det. Doug Bigelow: Personally rip his heart out with my bare hands, Roger. Hold the heart in the palm of my hand and we'll watch it stops beating together.
- Det. Roger Mortis: That's nice, Doug, but let's find him first.
- Det. Roger Mortis: That's okay. Don't get up.
- Dr. Ernest McNab: Get him, get him, get him!
- [Mr. Thule gets into a gunfight with Roger but dies]
- Det. Roger Mortis: I told you not to get up.
- Det. Doug Bigelow: So what color did you get?
- Det. Roger Mortis: [looks at lipstick] Uh, mulberry wine.
- Det. Doug Bigelow: That's a good choice.
- Det. Doug Bigelow: [effeminately] Brings out your eyes.
- Mr. Thule: Life and death are both expressions of the same eternal spirit.
- Det. Doug Bigelow: You oughta write fortune cookies, pal.
- Arthur P. Loudermilk: God wants us to live forever. And even if he doesn't, you could always buy him off.
- [Mortis is brought back to life by the Resurrection Machine]
- Det. Roger Mortis: I still don't believe it. I sorry Doug, I just don't believe it.
- Det. Doug Bigelow: Minute by minute Roger. That's the only way to take this. It's the only way to live anyhow.
- Det. Roger Mortis: Easy for you to say.
- Rebecca Smythers: Roger, you haven't heard the worst of it.
- Det. Roger Mortis: I'm dead Rebecca. How much worse can it get?
- Rebecca Smythers: I've been scanning the lab report. The Resurrection Process has an unfortunate side effect.
- Det. Roger Mortis: Which is what?
- Rebecca Smythers: Progressive decay of re-animated tissue. Irreversible cell damage. You've got ten to twelve hours, tops.
- Det. Roger Mortis: And then what?
- Rebecca Smythers: All of the cells in your body will dissolve into a kind of organic stew.
- Det. Doug Bigelow: Becky, can't you just pop him back in for a recharge?
- Rebecca Smythers: This thing isn't a toaster oven Doug.
- [Smythers gets Mortis to sit on an autopsy table so she can examine him]
- Rebecca Smythers: So how are you feeling?
- Det. Roger Mortis: Great. Picture of health.
- Rebecca Smythers: [to hanging microphone] Subject Mortis comma Roger. Post mortem follow up July 6th. approximate time eighteen forty five.
- Det. Roger Mortis: Do you have to talk into that thing. This is not an autopsy.
- Det. Doug Bigelow: Hey Rog, you are dead, this is a morgue and she is a coroner.
- Det. Roger Mortis: Thanks.
- Det. Doug Bigelow: [sarcastically] I love this job Roger. I love the power. I love the little badges. I love being a human target for anyone within sniping range of a donut shop.
- Det. Roger Mortis: It does have it's perks.
- Gertrude Bellman: What's your gimmick, Arthur?
- Arthur P. Loudermilk: No gimmick. Eternal life.
- Gertrude Bellman: Bullshit.
- Arthur P. Loudermilk: Well, I know that it's absurd, impossible, but aside from the proof of my being here, I've planned for you a little graphic demonstration.
- Det. Doug Bigelow: Roger, he said I should... He said I should hurt you. But I'm gonna hurt him.
- Det. Roger Mortis: Kill that guy, would you?
- [Bigelow and Mortis carrying out a messy search]
- Det. Doug Bigelow: You know you can never find anything good until you really trash a place.
- Randi James: Stumbling over any clues detectives?
- Det. Doug Bigelow: [playing around with an autopsy tool] Hey doctor, what is this for anyway?
- Dr. Ernest McNab: Uh.
- [grim chuckle]
- Dr. Ernest McNab: You wouldn't want to know.
- Det. Doug Bigelow: Roger, maybe you ought to get yourself a change of clothes. Being dead isn't something you should advertise.
- Randi James: I might have something in my closet.
- Det. Doug Bigelow: Something for that unexpected overnight guest, Miss James?
- Randi James: From an ex-boyfriend, Mr. Bigelow. A very ex.
- Det. Doug Bigelow: You remember when we were in training? They always told us, "You can't be a good cop if you're a dead cop." Here's your chance to prove them wrong. You're good and you're dead.
- Det. Roger Mortis: I'm good and I'm dead.
- Det. Roger Mortis: Doug, you're alive.
- Dr. Ernest McNab: He can't understand a word you've said, Roger. He's been brain-dead too long, which means he's mindless and totally obedient. Kill this guy, would you?
- Det. Doug Bigelow: Kill this guy, would you?