A Rainha Guerreira

Where to begin? The "Warrior Queen" has basically no relevant part in the movie aside from disinterested brooding and maybe a single line of dialogue, the plot is entirely non-existent, and the choreographed fighting looks like bored rehearsals... yet somehow this movie is still frightfully entertaining. It truly defines "so bad it's good" but my god, it is a calamity of indescribable proportions. Everyone must watch this at least once in their lifetime.

I'm guessing the actual plot of the movie was part of that cut? I waited impatiently to see a "warrior Queen" helping slaves. Instead got a bunch of pointless sex and violence, while the warrior queen lady looked on yawning and bored. I yawned some myself, even despite the movie being barely more than an hour. It managed to still have very little actually going on, and what did go on didn't seem to have any point.

There wasn't much useful dialog. There were a decent amount of action scenes, but many were a bit weird and unnecessary. The queen did have a couple herself, but nothing especially worthy of the "Warrior" title. Sadly, this movie did not deliver anything beyond gratuitous nudity and violence.

...so the title (and the video cover) could be described as misleading. Sybil Danning does fight off a couple of attackers at the start, and does decapitate one guy with her sword later on, but that's about it. Her character (the mistress of the Roman emperor) barely speaks in this movie. She looks unimpressed by what is going on around her and occasionally even yawns - reflecting the audience's reactions perfectly! Donald Pleasence, as the ruler of Pompeii, is ludicrous; if Sybil doesn't talk enough, Donald talks too much, and at least half of his dialogue is made up from the same three words, repeated ad nauseam: "My lovely highness". The rest of the cast includes Rick - "Deathstalker" - Hill, and a Lou Ferrigno-lookalike, and some beautiful women. The movie has literally NO PLOT - for 55 minutes we are watching these people do nothing, until it's time for Vesuvius to erupt and Pompeii to be destroyed. This climactic disaster sequence is OK for the budget standards of the movie, but it's obvious that stock footage was inserted at some points. (*)

This is a rather strange little ditty that comes to us courtesy of exploitation and soft-porn veterans Chuck Vincent, Aristide Massaccessi (Joe D'Amato; director of "Emanuelle," "Buried Alive," "Anthrophagus") and Harry Alan Towers. More or less a T & A retelling, if not a send-up, of "The Last Days of Pompeii," this film focuses on the plight of a young, amply-endowed slave-girl, (Tally Chanel) who is sold into servitude in a brothel frequented by studly gladiators and politicians. Her struggle for freedom is encouraged by Caeser's sympathetic wife, the semi well-preserved Sybil Danning, who discovers her while on a diplomatic trip to Pompeii. As it turns out, she herself, is of the same tribe, but has to conceal her heritage, due to her royal station.

A campy, but dreadfully stilted lampoon of sword and sandal peplum, "Warrior Queen" does boast a delightfully hammy performance by Donald Pleasence as the vice-ridden pro-council of Pompeii. There's hardly any dialogue from the rest of the cast and that's probably a blessing! But, on the prurient plus side, there's a generous helping of nudity and "hard-gore" violence, which is the obvious draw of such a film. However, I must include "Warrior Queen" in my personal pantheon of golden turkeys, which, although it doesn't reach the same heights of lunacy as say, "Plan Nine from Outer Space," it does run an impoverished, if not very close second-place to "Caligula"!

Every male who was in his teens during the video-boom of the early 80's, must have some affection for the Barbarian/Roman epics which were in abundance. They just about skirted around the soft-porn self-embarrassment issue and could be nonchalantly given to the video shop assistant without too much shiftiness. It was an historical adventure film for the more mature viewer and the fact that this may include the occasional orgy scene, naked whipping, brothels and sumptuous exposed breasts was by the by.

'Warrior Queen' was released as the sub-genre was being replaced with mainstream films which could now get away with graphic simulated sex scenes - 'Fatal Attraction' was released the same year. No tarty business-woman could replace a statuesque, Amazon-like, 6-ft blonde, wielding a huge sword though.

The video cover for 'Warrior Queen' is almost certainly the film's highpoint, featuring a trio of muscular, tanned, bikini-clad beauties. Needless to say, the film itself is pretty crap - although there is just about enough going on to not feel completely cheated.

The film begins with a sub-title informing us that this is "Pompeii, August 22, 79 AD". Sybil Danning is a visiting Queen, entertained by Pompeii's ruler, a shambling Donald Pleasence who was presumably desperate for work. Along the way to the films inevitable conclusion (featuring lots of stock footage of a volcano doing its worst), we are treated to a pretty good slave auction scene; a rubbish arm-wrestling contest, complete with poisoned spikes; a gladiatorial duel featuring Goliath (a baddie, played by a big dumb Steve Reeves/Lou Ferrigno lookalike) against an opponent, both tied to pillars throwing discus's at each other; and a hang-tough contest played over a floor of wooden stakes.

Whilst not up to the standard of Sybil Danning's other Roman epic 'The Seven Magnificent Gladiators'-1983, 'Warrior Queen' provides enough nostalgia to give the viewer an entertaining hour or so of adolescent memories.