- Shoop: Hey, I remember you. Where have you been?
- Jerome Watkins: Bathroom.
- Shoop: For the last six weeks?
- Jerome Watkins: My zipper got stuck.
- Principal Kelban: Field trips to the beach, drinking on the beach, a bed in your classroom, a screening of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1... quite a summer, Mr. Shoop.
- Shoop: I tried to keep it interesting.
- Phil Gills: I have his dismissal ready for your signature, sir.
- Principal Kelban: Before I sign anything, I understand there are some people waiting to speak on Mr. Shoop's behalf.
- Shoop: Really?
- Principal Kelban: Come in.
- [opens the door to Shoop's students and their parents and guardians]
- Phil Gills: Mr. Kelban, you're not actually going to listen to these delinquents?
- Principal Kelban: No, I'm going to listen to their parents. I'm Principal Kelban. Is there a spokesperson here?
- Mr. Gremp: I guess I am. I'm Howard Gremp.
- Principal Kelban: You're Chainsaw's father. Interesting boy.
- Mr. Gremp: No, you can say it. He's a lunatic.
- Chainsaw: Dad...
- Mr. Gremp: Six weeks ago, I thought he had the IQ of a salad bar. His only interest in life was to make people sick. If my mother came to dinner, he would give the dog a third eye or an extra leg. Because of him, we stopped having kids. You can imagine the feeling when I saw him studying. The wife and I almost burst into tears.
- Mrs. Frazier: David was doing his homework, too.
- Mr. Gremp: It makes sense, they share the same brain.
- Mrs. Green: Not only did Mr. Shoop get my daughter to read, he taught her to drive.
- Mr. Winchester: He showed Kevin there's more to life than football. I'm not sure I agree, but it's possible.
- Phil Gills: Would someone tell me what Mr. Shoop had planned for today?
- Chainsaw: Group sex. No, that's tomorrow. Today is independent study, right after our mid-morning nap.
- Phil Gills: [the class is watching "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"] Oh my God. What are you watching?
- Shoop: New film from the district, "Safe Use Of Power Tools".
- Phil Gills: [holds a box] This just came... I don't want to know what's in here, do I?
- Shoop: Nope, probably not.
- Shoop: Denise: no previous test score because you ditched every test, but a 38.
- Mrs. Green: Honey, that's terrific!
- Denise: We'll get 'em next time.
- Shoop: Kevin, from a 48 to a 75!
- Kevin Winchester: Yeah, I'm back on the team!
- [Kevin and his did share football shouts and hug]
- Shoop: Chainsaw: last score was a 6, this time: 59. Monster comeback! And Dave: from a 26 to a 70.
- Dave: I passed!
- Anna-Maria Mazarelli: You made it!
- Chainsaw: You passed? You passed and I failed, asshole! How could you do that to me?
- Dave: It was an accident. I'll take it again, I can fail, I know it.
- Shoop: Pam went from a 53 to an 82.
- Pam: Was that the highest?
- Shoop: Well, almost. That guy who spent six weeks in the bathroom got a 91. But look, there's more going on here than test scores and grades. You all worked hard and improved.
- Phil Gills: And that's very nice, Mr. Shoop. The point here is that we are here to discuss Mr. Shoop's flagrant violation of school policies.
- Principal Kelban: Hold it, Gills. According to my numbers, the average scores have increased from 28 to 63. That's 125% improvement. Now that's teaching. Mr. Shoop, I'm granting you tenure.
- Rhonda Altobello: Hi, I'd like to sign up for Lamaze classes.
- Nurse: Okay. How are Tuesday nights for you and your coach?
- Rhonda Altobello: Perfect. But, I don't have a coach.
- Nurse: Well, what about the father?
- Rhonda Altobello: Well, you see, that's sort of confusing. It's either David Lee Roth who's on tour or Sean Penn. And I'd really hate to upset Madonna.
- Nurse: [unamused] Fill this out.
- Shoop: [to Chainsaw] Fact: Alcohol kills brain cells. You lose one more and you're a talking monkey.
- Phil Gills: This man should not be teaching. The proof is right here in these test results. Look for yourself, Mr. Shoop. Passing is 70; average score here was 63. They failed.
- Shoop: [looks at the results] That is not true, Mr. Gills.
- Alan Eakian: You mean we passed?
- Shoop: No, not all of you, but that's not what's important here. Larry went from an 18 to a 51!
- Mrs. Kazimias: If I'd only seen you strip a week sooner.
- Shoop: Rhonda: from a 29 to a 43 and she gave birth.
- Mrs. Altobello: Isn't childbirth grounds for a makeup test?
- Principal Kelban: It always has been.
- Chainsaw: This woman thing never fails.
- Shoop: Eakian: a 51 to a 74.
- Alan Eakian: I passed! I am an Eakian, Grams!
- Dave: All right, Eaker!
- Chainsaw: This menstruation thing is a scam. Women are so lucky.
- Denise: WHAT? Oh we're so lucky? You think having your period is a picnic in the park? First of all you're all PMSed out, and second you don't any room in your purse for your hairbrush because of all the damn mini pads. You are SO ignorant!
- [the classroom is the scene of a bloodbath]
- Phil Gills: What is wrong with you people?
- Dave: It's just like you said Gills! We're psychopaths! Somebody better call the school nurse!
- Shoop: Can anybody tell me why writing is important?
- Pam: Because it's a form of communication.
- Shoop: Very good, it can also get you free stuff.
- Kids: Free?
- Shoop: Free, I'm writing the word... "Free". Here's how it works, we've all been ripped off, right? Pay phone steals your money... not enough cheese on your pizza...
- Chainsaw: My shades keep falling apart!
- Shoop: Perfect! Now, you're going to write that company a letter, and you're going to see action, but only if the letter is well written... and it threatens to hurt their business... and is signed- forgive me Chainsaw- Francis Gremp, President: Consumer Against Faulty Eyewear.
- Chainsaw: You want me to lie? Okay.
- Shoop: [trying to get out of teaching summer school] I'm not a real teacher.
- Vice Principal Phil Gills: That's okay. They aren't real students.
- Ms. Robin Elizabeth Bishop: [reading Denise's complaint letter] Shoop, this girl is dyslexic.
- Shoop: What?
- Ms. Robin Elizabeth Bishop: This is serious. You've got to get her some help.
- Shoop: How did she go this long without anyone finding out?
- Ms. Robin Elizabeth Bishop: She must've slipped through the system.
- Shoop: What happens when she gets out in the real world?
- Ms. Robin Elizabeth Bishop: *Wait a minute*! Is this the same guy who brought his kids to an amusement park?
- Shoop: Uh huh.
- Anna-Maria Mazarelli: [watching fireworks] So pretty!
- Chainsaw: Alright, enough of this safe and sane garbage, it's time for dumb and dangerous!
- Rhonda Altobello: Are you sure you wanna do this?
- Shoop: Absolutely. Lamaze class: great place to meet girls.
- Alan Eakian: [Eakian shakes Larry awake] Larry, what do you want?
- Larry Kazamias: [barely audible] Bed.
- [falls back asleep]
- Alan Eakian: [to Shoop] Larry wants a bed.
- Shoop: I'm telling you, you gotta try these Pop Tarts.
- Ms. Robin Elizabeth Bishop: No thanks, I'm sticking with the Chocodiles.
- Ms. Robin Elizabeth Bishop: [to Chainsaw] I think you're full of bull.
- Rhonda Altobello: It's okay, you can say bullshit in here.
- Ms. Robin Elizabeth Bishop: [sarcastically] I'm grateful!
- Shoop: [reading call sheet] Rhonda Altobello?
- Rhonda Altobello: Here.
- Shoop: You went from Cs to Fs, what happened?
- Rhonda Altobello: [stands up and pats her pregnant stomach] Any other questions?
- Shoop: [embarrassed] No.
- Kevin Winchester: Uh, can Rhonda and I be excused? She's having a baby.
- Shoop: You're having a baby?
- [climbs over the desks to reach her]
- Shoop: Why didn't you say anything?
- Rhonda Altobello: I wanted to finish my test.
- [walks down the stairs towards the door]
- Shoop: Can I get you anything, hot water, a doctor?
- Rhonda Altobello: [laughs] Get out of my way.
- Shoop: Get out of your way, I can do that.
- [to school security]
- Shoop: Carmine, get out of her way!
- Kevin Winchester: [on the beach] What's it like being pregnant?
- Rhonda Altobello: Bizarre. My body's out of control.
- Kevin Winchester: I think you look great.
- Rhonda Altobello: Sure, in the dark.
- Kevin Winchester: [shakes head] No.
- Jerome Watkins: The computer said I failed that test. The computer made an error. I suggest this time *I pass*.
- Shoop: [Clearly intimidated] You're gonna do well, Jerome... I can feel it.
- Principal Kelban: Good morning, young people. Vice Principal Gills has some words for you. Mr. Gills.
- Phil Gills: Thank you, Principal Kelban. Well, well. I suppose that you all remember the English skills test you took last month?
- Students: No.
- Denise: I had English?
- Dave: Was that the dot-to-dot puzzle?
- Chainsaw: Yeah, that was it, yeah.
- Dave: No, I don't remember.
- Phil Gills: I'm not surprised. All of you failed. However, in accordance with the district's new policies on minimum academic proficiencies, you will all have the opportunity to retake the exam.
- Chainsaw: Oh, joy, I have a boner now.
- Jerome Watkins: The computer said I failed that class. The computer made an error. I suggest this time I pass.