Mistress of the Apes

One guy mentions that his rifle is a REMINGTON 308! A few times. It's one of the more legible lines of dialogue in this Larry Buchanan - how does this guy keep getting money to get work? - trashfest. Poor acting, directing, sfx (what there are of them) in this silliness that's really miss titled. There aren't any apes in it - there are 'missing links' who are just dudes wearing masks and look like they got picked up off Venice Beach. I can't even tell what the story was about other than searching for a lost archaeologist. Just another of Larry's terrible movies.

I don't know about you, but I sat through a good thirty minutes of this movie without a complaint. Why? Because, I felt it would have been a worthy investment to sit through the terrible opening of the film, with its terrible story line and its terrible acting, just to get to see Jenny Neumann have sex with an "Ape Man." I never got to see it because it never happened. I don't know what version you guys watched but I sat through a 90 minute badly lighted movie with hopes to see 30 seconds of a nudity. Was it worth it? No. But it has been on the video rental shelf for the past 20 years and still gets rented because of that fact. By reading the title and looking at the front cover, there is hope that there's going to be at least one animal sex scene in the movie.

Okay, forget Ed Wood, Jess Franco or even Al Adamson. If you are interested in investigating quirky filmmakers, try Larry Buchanan. Perhaps best known for Mars Needs Women, The Naked Witch and TV re-makes of AIP drive-in classics, Buchanan was responsible for this quickly and cannily lensed piece of exploitation shot in Malibu State Park and "dressed" as Africa. Of main interest to fanboys is the presence of the exaulted Barbara Leigh as the wife of an unscrupulous profiteer. A knowing finger on the pause/slow advance button on the remote about 45 minutes into the movie will prove why she is so venerated.

The story is not really worth detailing; just the elements that are intriguing or shocking: Stuart Lancaster plays his usual lecherous self, Barbara Leigh gets raped not once, but twice (and quite unnervingly, too), the young bride breast-feeds a "near man" baby, and the recurring "Ape Woman/Ape Love" song that completely undermines any serious consideration of the subject matter. I mean, this is BAD 70s white-boy funk. Finally, the miscogenation of the lead actress with one of the "near men" is enough to raise some eyebrows.

The dialog--as is usual for a Buchanan opus--is priceless and quoteable. To detail these joys would be gilding the lily of audience investigation...

My source is an OOP video from Pan-Canadian (cover by Boris Vallejo!)

I was hoping that Mistress of the Apes would be an enjoyable piece of jungle sexploitation, with gorgeous blonde lead Jenny Neumann being the female equivalent of Tarzan, swinging through the trees in nothing but a loincloth; this is most definitely not the case.

Neumann plays Susan Jamison, wife of a famous anthropologist, who travels to the Congo region to try and find her missing husband, unaware that he has been murdered by poachers. What follows is a rather tepid adventure, with Susan and her pals Laura and Paul learning the truth and trying to avoid becoming the poachers' next victims, while also befriending a troop of ape-men, the missing link between Australopithecus and homo sapiens.

While there is a little exploitative content - most notably the (not-too-graphic) rape of Laura by the baddies, and Susan breast-feeding an ape-child (who looks just like any ordinary baby) and having sex with one of the lucky banana-eating knuckle-draggers - the film is mostly a real snooze fest.

As a fan of horror films and the art of special effects make-up, I found that the most interesting thing about the whole movie was the fact that the ape-men makeup was created by Oscar winner Greg Cannom (The Lost Boys, The Mask) and Oscar nominee Rob Bottin (Robocop, The Thing).

This movie seemed to promise B-movie T&A. I don't remember it existing. In fact, I remember a tremendous dearth of it. What I do remember is bad acting, a stupid script, and a general lack of quality that could have been saved by a little follow-through and a little less restraint. I mean, all of the sex was implied and, by the standard of interspecies copulation, it was paradoxically chaste. And therefore, something I would expect to see on "USA Up All Night." They wouldn't even have the edit the thing.

Personally, I know I couldn't bear through it again. But maybe I was expecting something a little more Russ Meyer.

If the MST3K crew were still around it might make interesting material.