Mulher, Divina Mulher

I saw this movie way back at the first theatrical release, in a justifiably empty theater. Believe it or not, after decades of watching movies, this one still sticks clearly in my mind as the worst movie of all time; or at least the worst that I would allow myself to watch.

The acting is far beneath the standard set by any random group of drunken high-school students yanked off the street and forced to learn their lines in 5 minutes or less.

After the first shock of disbelief, we laughed for a while as each scene hit new lows. But after a while, even that dubious pleasure wore off and it just got to be really sad.

Fantasies (1981)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

This was originally shot in 1973 when Bo Derek, then going by her original name, was 16-years-old and involved with director, writer and cinematographer John Derek. Needless to say, due to the subject matter this film wasn't released until 1981 after Bo had become a sex symbol with 10. In the film, she plays a young girl who begins to wonder about her changing body as well as her growing feelings for her older step brother (Peter Hooten). That's pretty much the story of this pretty bland romantic-drama that manages to be quite boring throughout the so-called controversial subject matter. It needs to be said that the young Derek has several nude scenes here, which is why the film couldn't find an original release and it's also going to be a reason why most people are going to want to stay away from this thing. I'll let one's own moral stance on the nudity decide whether they want to go any further with the film. The entire film has an extremely cheap feel to it and I really do have to wonder what John Derek was trying to do. I'm sure it was show off his young lover but it looks like he would have hired someone else to do the writing because his screenplay is quite horrid, is all over the place and it never really makes much sense. The love story is handled in a tender way but it just never comes to life. The entire subplot dealing with the hotel on the island is just bland. The film has some memorable Greek locations but these here aren't enough to make the thing worth sitting through. Hooten offers up a downright awful performance and the supporting cast isn't much better. Bo actually isn't too bad here and I'd argue that the performance here is much better than the stuff from her popular period. The film itself is pretty bad and not worth viewing except for those who want to see a young Bo. Or, if you want to see a scene where her grandfather pulls her shirt up to see how she's growing. Yeah, it's like that.

Reasons to watch the movie:

1) Bo Derek at 16 looks good and occasionally gets naked. She does a pretty good job playing an immature, insecure 16 year old beauty, in fact

2) Many shots of a pretty Greek island

But:

1) Peter Hooten turns in the worst performance by an actor since Brutus played Caeser's friend in "Roman Senate Proceedings of March 15." He delivers each and every line in a delightful baritone bellow. Turn down the volume whenever he speaks. Preferably all the way down

2) Bo's fantasies are sadly tame, especially by today's standards. A few turns in the bath and as a fully clothed model

3) The plot is skimpier than Bo's costumes

Another Derek Dud.

Set in Greece, Bo (sporting a brunette look) has a half-brother who is either sleeping with her or not sleeping with her. A local uncle either knows or doesn't know - he certainly doesn't care. It's hard to tell what's going on as it always is when John Derek directs a movie. His script typically stinks and the direction (if you can call it that) is equally convoluted. The brother-sister dumb duo gets the idea to turn an island into a holiday resort. The results are lame.

Lots of dubbing and sub-par acting sink this one to the bottom of the Mediterranean.

I have to forewarn you I haven't seen all this movie on video release yet, but did happen to watch it a long time ago at the movies. Anastasia and Damir carry out a shipboard and island romance in a poor retread of Taming of the Shrew. A lot of distracting time fillers can produce sleep too fast, like when Anastasia (Miss Derek) poses for a photographer in fancy clothes, making Damir jealous again. Peter Hooten has a terrible dubbed sounding voice. Even though this was an American production, it did get released in other countries first.