- Pam Davidson: You go in there and you know what's going to happen? You're going to be sent away for so long, when you get out this suit's going to actually be in style.
- Ralph Hinkley: Pamela I love you very much and... I would like us to be a real team.
- Pam Davidson: [cries] Ralph, are you asking me to marry you?
- Ralph Hinkley: Yes I am.
- Pam Davidson: [cries, then nods happily] Yes.
- Ralph Hinkley: Bill, are you OK? What's wrong with your knees?
- Bill Maxwell: Fear. Or... I'm drunk.
- Ralph Hinkley: No, you're not drunk.
- Bill Maxwell: Then I'm alive!
- [laughs nervously]
- Bill Maxwell: Thank you, Ralph. Thanks very much!
- Bill Maxwell: They give... and office like THIS to a kid... a GIRL? Come on now, counselor. I wasn't born yesterday.
- Pam Davidson: No, it was more like 1880, wasn't it, Bill?
- Bill Maxwell: That's very funny.
- Pam Davidson: I am disgusted with the both of you.
- Ralph Hinkley: Why?
- Bill Maxwell: About what?
- Pam Davidson: I don't know yet.
- Bill Maxwell: You get to be vice principal. Counselor... she's a junior partner. Yours truly, Dumbo Maxwell's chuggin' across the finish line... folks up in the gallery yellin' down "Go, geezer! Go!"
- Tony Villicana: Pick your friends carefully huh? Alright, so maybe I'll pick a friend.
- Ralph Hinkley: Who ya gonna pick, Tony?
- Tony Villicana: I'll pick you.
- Ralph Hinkley: Hey, Tony, thank you. Thank you. I accept.
- Bill Maxwell: OK, let's not panic.
- Pam Davidson: I feel like panicking. I can panic if I want to panic.
- Bill Maxwell: C'mon... You'll do it for Bill. Old Uncle Bill. Old Uncle Wild Bill. Who loves ya, baby? Eh?
- Pam Davidson: You're over-doing it "Uncle Bill"
- [about a woman who said she saw a sea monster]
- Bill Maxwell: She probably thought she saw what she said she thought she saw.
- Bill Maxwell: She may be your girlfriend but she's my counselor and nobody messes with her. That's it.
- Ralph Hinkley: You can't go because... WE'RE THE PACKAGE, BILL! Those little green guys they... they didn't pick us out by accident! We're supposed to do this as long as it takes. How many times have you told that to me?
- Bill Maxwell: And so we went to NewFOUNDland to make friends with all the whales and a bunch of little fishies
- Ralph Hinkley: Bill, I've got an idea
- Bill Maxwell: Good, put it to me in a letter, I'll try to get back to you by the end of the month
- Ralph Hinkley: You see what I mean? Like right now for instance. You're not even listening to me. I mean, for all I know, we could be driving into the biggest shootout of this century
- Bill Maxwell: [not listening] Yeah, kid. I'll work on that for ya