- Fu Manchu: You were the only worthy adversary I ever had Nayland, the only one.
- Nayland Smith: But I hated you Fu. Oh God, did I hate you.
- Fu Manchu: Yes, but they were the good old days.
- Fu Manchu: [disguised as Charlie Rotten] The dyes used in it are extracted from the knees of the bessarabian aardvark...
- Fu Manchu: Ismail, torture him. Bury him alive in the right ant hill. Also, sever his left ear, like Van Gogh!
- Sir Roger Avery: Nayland, you think too much. Thinking is unhealthy. We certainly discourage it at the Yard. I mean, look at Robert.
- Joe Capone: Well, eh, great to be here.
- Sir Roger Avery: Well, it's a pleasure to have you.
- Joe Capone: Eh, is the weather always this piss poor?
- Sir Roger Avery: I gather you have a rather tricky situation on your hands.
- Joe Capone: Tricky? We got a ball-buster, Commissioner - a real ball-buster.
- Sir Roger Avery: Really.
- Joe Capone: I hope you like tea.
- Pete Williams: Why?
- Joe Capone: Because you're going to up to your ass in it, before we're through here.
- Nayland Smith: To me, the elixir vitae is an esoteric knowledge shared only by Fu Manchu and myself. We are kindred spirits, you see, that's what I'm trying to say; although, he is evil to my good, a yeah to my nah, ying to my yang.
- Nayland Smith: It was fashioned by the perverted mind of Fu Manchu. It happens to be my favorite piece of Fu memorabilia.
- Sir Roger Avery: [watching Alice Rage's audition] There's something about her. She's so healthy looking.
- Joe Capone: She's got the best set of muscles I've ever seen - on any cop.
- Alice Rage: I'd now like to entertain you with a selection from my song and tap dance numbers.
- [singing]
- Alice Rage: On the good ship lollipop, It's a sweet trip, To a candy shop, Where bonbons play, On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay...
- Joe Capone: Hay, Nayland, if you do that, you're one great limey bastard, take it from me.
- Nayland Smith: Oh, that's very decent of you. Thank you.
- Joe Capone: Don't mention it.
- Sir Nules Thudd: Quite frankly, I am *amazed* at your concern, Roger, old bean. We have the finest security system in the world here at the Tower. With our stalwart Yeoman Warders, not even an army of fuzzy-wuzzies could break in here.
- Alice Rage: [disguised as Queen Mary] How well I remember, cultivating my secret garden at Sandringham and Fosdyke, our head gardener, coming to give me his little tips.
- Fu Manchu: Play the saxophone for me, Alice.
- Alice Rage: Of course. Oh, no. I can't play the saxophone in my Queen Mary disguise, can I? I mean, that would be treacherous.
- Fu Manchu: What a dreadful pity.
- Alice Rage: But, do you have somewhere I could take it off?
- Fu Manchu: Oh! Oh, yes. Yes.
- Alice Rage: And are you who I think you are?
- Fu Manchu: I am - Emperor of the Saipan, Grand Master of the Seven Suns, Graduate of the University of Indiana Medical School, PhD, DDS, and Doctor of Veterinary Medicine. I am Dr. Fu Manchu.
- Alice Rage: [singing] I've got a little cat
- Fu Manchu: And I'm very fond of that
- Fu Manchu, Alice Rage: But, I'd rather have a bow wow wow!
- Fu Manchu: Alice, stay with me and become my Queen. You shall have servants to attend your every need. You should be soothed and massaged in rare oils. You shall bathe in ass' milk. You shall have everything your heart ever desired.
- Alice Rage: Oh, Fred, I hope you're not taking advantage of me; because, you know I could really fall for you.
- Alice Rage: Shall I show it all to you? Would you like to see the best part?
- Sir Nules Thudd: Oh, please! Yes, please! I must see it!
- Alice Rage: You can look, cause we agreed. But, you mustn't touch.
- Fu Manchu: [after Alice removes her Queen Mary costume] Is there anything else you wish to remove?
- Alice Rage: Only my - truncheon.
- [hands it over to Fu Manchu]
- Fu Manchu: Oh! It's still warm... . Oh...
- Robert Townsend: Please, just let me look. I promise you, I won't touch. It's so beautiful. I only want to look.
- Alice Rage: [in a low cut dress] Oh, well. I suppose a little look can't do any harm.
- Robert Townsend: I've never seen anything so - so devastating. So luscious. So tempting. Oh!
- Fu Manchu: [singing] From San Francisco to Peking, Confucius say this cat's the king, The cops they tell you I ain't nice, But Fu knows how to fry that rice, I've lived so long that I can't be wrong, I rock you when I sing this song, A Rock-a-Fu, A Rock-a-Fu, It's Fu music...
- Fu Manchu: Ah, so it was the British diamond that was the fake. Yes. Yes, you must have duplicated it. I want the real one. Where is it?
- Nayland Smith: Well, it was hidden in a priest's hole.
- Alice Rage: You dirty beast.