A Vacation in Hell

Can there be a worst film? Even Ed Wood at his horrific worst couldn't come up with something this bad. Cheesy, stupid, long-winded, preposterous...and those are the good points. I saw this trash back in the early 80's when I was incredibly bored to begin with, and actually sat through the entire thing without blowing my brains out, although that probably would have been a more pleasant experience. I actually remembered it because it was so bad. It makes me sad in a way because some of the best directors got their start by making TV movies (ie Spielberg) and it was a wonderful way for them to get their initial material before the public, but crap like this just totally killed the entire process.

OK... the movie wasn't TERRIBLE, but it was far from good. What really shocked me was the constant man-hating that the brunette kept spouting. That was the majority of her dialog. Not little snide remarks here and there. I mean full on, literally, "all men are evil."

Honestly, the only reason I sat through it as long as I did was because of Marcia Brady (Maureen McCormmick) and Teri from "Three's Company" (Priscilla Barnes). Agent 99 (Barbara Feldon) is just an annoying whiny... thing - the exact opposite of her character on "Get Smart."

The story itself is contrived. The acting is subpar - especially coming from these people who know how to act. The lines - again, especially the strong-independent-don't-need-no-man brunette - are cringe to say the least. As I'm writing this, I'm trying to remember what it is that led me to give it the high score of five stars...

If you are a fan of any of the girls, you MIGHT enjoy it... if you can overlook all of the negatives about it. Otherwise... skip it.

Ya gotta love this piece of trash. So what if the actors needed a little gin money, this romp through Satan's Club Med is worth all agonizing 2 hours. Someone should have warned the guests that the "waterslide" was a doozy. If only Gilligans Island were this treacherous. It's silly, poorly written, scenery chewing fun. I saw this when it first aired on TV when I was 11 years old and if I still remember it 23 years later, there's gotta be some fun to be had. Woo-Hoo!

This made-for-TV movie starts out like a sexier version of "Gilligan's Island". Five people leave a swinging 70's type island resort in an undisclosed country (where the women of all ages are unbelievably gorgeous). There is only one guy and four woman--Priscilla Barnes (who was later on "Three's Company") is the blonde ditz, Andrea Marcovvi is her brunette roommate with "man issues", Barbara "Agent 99" Feldman is a middle-aged mother, and Maureen "Marcia Brady" McCormack (still stuck playing a teenager five years after "The Brady Bunch" was cancelled) is her daughter. The women (except for Feldon) are all unaccountably attracted to the douchebag guy, and at times you could cut the sexual tension with a knife (and you'd have to, since none of it is obviously ever going to get released in a tame TV movie like this).

The plot starts when their boat wrecks on a remote part of the island and they unwisely to decide to walk back to the resort through the jungle. There are a couple of dark-skinned natives lurking about, and for awhile the movie turns into a cross between "Deliverance" and "Walkabout" without being a fraction as good as either. The most annoying characters do die fairly horribly, however, so it's not a total loss.

The British director David Greene did two very good theatrical movies in Britain, "I Start Counting" and "The Strange Affair", and the very decent Anglo-American horror film "The Shuttered Room". He definitely knew his away around attractive actresses (Jenny Agutter, Susan George, Carol Lynley, etc.), but story-wise he has little or nothing to work with here. He does seem to have filmed this with three cameras--one focused on Barnes' cleavage, one on her (and sometimes McCormick's) hot-pants clad ass, and one filming everything else. Barnes is very sexy (although she was better in the similar theatrical film "Tintorera" where she gets her kit off and almost gets eaten by a giant shark). Marccovi and McCormick are similarly easy on the eyes, but the former is saddled with an irritating character and the latter is miscast and turns in a truly wretched performance. Feldon still looks good, but she stays more conservatively dressed than the other women and is really give no opportunity to act (which, if you've seen her in "Smile" you know she can do far better than any of her co-stars here).

This is far from the worst TV movie made (it doesn't even have Jane Seymour or Delta Burke in it, for christsakes!), but it's not great either.

It is easy to tell early in this movie exactly what will happen, and who will die. It is about 4 women and a man who on a vacation. You can tell this is written by a woman, and made for women, in the way there is such Nazi devotion to preaching that blonde hair belongs on women.

This movie, like the others of that era, contrives to bring this about, and the viewer knows this. There is no mystery or suspense. The people squabble, but everything is so predictable for the prejudices of the time, it is laughable.

The five people happen upon two savage young characters, and go nuts. Everyone is nuts, so that the director-writer team can justify their Nazi propaganda.

For some reason, the guy is attracted to the blonde, who is really not much to look at, and ignores a super hot looking brunette that any heterosexual man would go nuts over. One must remember that in the seventies, movies were meant to appeal to women and not men.

Totally crap and totally depressing.