O Humanóide

I am not sure how they could eve manage to make a STAR WARS cash-in even worse than STAR CRASH... but they did! Aside from the goofy special effects and silly dialog, there's still plenty of other lameness in this flimsy and tired Italian/Israeli STAR WARS ripoff to keep even the most hardened viewer scratching their head with astonishment (when not passed out from sheer tedium).

The "villain" played by Ivan Rassimov has to be one of the biggest pansies I've seen as a cut-rate Darth Vader complete with cut-rate costume. His grand quotes comes on with such banalities as "keep them away from the missile" and "so you have come to battle me at last, princely hero!". He also really cracks the whip around his cronies with the likes of "you failed to kill the girl so you are stripped of your command for 100 days!". Wouldn't most villains kill their own men for disobeying them? No wonder the ragtag group of Leonard Mann, Corrine Clery, Richard Kiel, an Asian boy and a robotic dog destroy his entire army so easily... and his death has to be the lamest ever filmed... "ack, my blue screen is dying!"

Despite its lack of any script or enthusiasm, THE HUMANOID actually had enough budget to afford a dynamite cast, from Arthur Kennedy to Barbara Bach and Massimo Serato. Even better is the crew, featuring some heavy hitters such as veteran director Enzo G. Castellari to handle the action scenes, gore guru Giannetto De Rossi on makeup, special effects wiz Antonio Margheriti on miniatures, and maestro Ennio Morricone on the score. The only problem here really is that all these great people totally phoned it in. This film not only looks cheap, but is a real snoozer, owing largely to Morricone's shockingly awful "sleepy spacey music" which never stops! In what must have been some effort in experimentation, the music has no tune or melody to it; just random sounds as you'd hear on a late-night PBS "Space Tour" in the 1970's.

The only explanation for this film failing so hard to thrill at all has to do with all involved actually being aware at some level how cynical of a cash-grab the whole thing was. Really who hadn't seen STAR WARS at this point, and who here really thought they were making a better (if not even semi-competent) film? Evidently no one.

What a turkey.

As an undiscerning child of 8, still high on fumes from Star Wars and consumed with a voracious appetite for anything to do with spaceships, laser guns, and cute robots, the TV-aired trailer from The Humanoid produced the desired effect: I nagged myself and a friend into being escorted to the local cinema by my dad. Through those eyes, the movie provided a suitable fix, despite feeling a little flat over all. But hey, it had a cute robot dog, space ships and lasers all the way through! Thirty five years later things appear very different. In fairness, the technical quality of the DVD copy I purchased is pretty poor but it's clearly not an official release. However, there are some details in the extraordinarily poor production values that with even with the most generous and forgiving attitude I can't ascribe to anything but a cynical disregard for quality by the director. Another spectacular facet of this movie is how many scenes appear to be nothing more than Sweded versions of identical scenes in Star Wars. The recipe for this entire project can be summed up as:

1> Select some iconic scenes from Star Wars.

2> Reproduce them using funds from coins found down the back of the sofa.

3> Wrap a vague plot around them - don't worry too much about the details.

4> Fill the gaps with mystical nonsense - if it is spouted by an Asian child then it becomes all the more reasonable.

5> Season with a liberal sprinkling of cleavage and nipples to taste.

Overall it's worth watching for the lulz, and as a cultural artifact which demonstrates how desperate everyone was to cash in on Star Wars at the time. Watching that pathetic robot dog attempt to emulate R2D2 as it hobbles across the dessert is really quite tragic.

In keeping with the tone of the previous reviews, it has to be said that I will re-watch this classic of terrible cinema, which is more than I can say about The Phantom Menace.

P.S. "Star Wars meets Monkey" is an entirely accurate summary of this movie that sadly I can't take credit for. A friend of mine described it thusly after watching chunks of it on You Tube.

THE HUMANOID tells the story of two brothers of noble titles, one good named the Great Brother; the other evil, who are fighting against each other to become the sole ruler of planet Metropolis. The evil brother Graal (Ivan Rassimov) gets the support of the insane Dr. Kraspin (Arthur Kennedy) to create a new army of invincible soldiers called humanoids. To prove that his chemical invention really works, the doctor tests it on the pilot Golob (Richard Kiel), an unsuspecting human from another planet whose plane happens to land on the deserts of Metropolis. Golob is turned – in a very ridiculous way – into an indestructible soldier that doesn't speak but possesses superhuman strength and lives under the doctor's control. Commanded by the evil Graal, Golob charges into the city where the Great Brother lives to kill him. When Golob's brain-washed mind is neutralized by a little oriental sage living in the city named Tom Tom, he turns side and befriends everyone, including the person he is assigned to kill. Heading back to Graal's headquarter to destroy him, Golob leads his band of new ally. Following a decisive battle that destroys Grall and the doctor, Golob regains his human side and reacquires his speech. With his newly-befriended comrades, he decides to live on the planet, which is then called Earth (no more Metropolis as that's what shown on screen!).

That is not the whole story, there are other characters and subplots that are not worth telling as they do not add anything to the main plot!

THE HUMANOID is a Star Wars copycat and a mega-waste of budget that doesn't have any of the elements that have made Star Wars a timeless classic. Here you see similarities that you see in Star Wars – from vehicles, places to characters: Star Destroyer (even following the exact sequence of how it is shown in Star Wars!), Land Speeder, laser guns that shoot red beams, lots of Darth Vader look-alike (since they are portrayed not only as the leader but also guards), Princess Leia wannabe (she's called Barbara and sexier), a kung fu fighting Luke Skywalker, a robot dog (a substitute for R2D2) and a little oriental Obi-Wan Kenobi! Even the opening sequences mimic those of Star Wars!

Richard Kiel's performance in "The Spy Who Loved Me" and "Moonraker" must have immensely impressed the producers that he was given a similar role here – doesn't speak, just snarls and looks dumb.

This cheesy Italian sci-fi yarn could have been a lot better. Sadly, it lacks the creativity that would have made it into a fun B-movie. The STAR WARS-inspired characters, vehicles, and scenes show lazy film-making. Adding insult to the injury, the plot and directing are as uninspired.

All in all, THE HUMANOID comes mildly recommended and is strictly for lovers of B-movies.

THE HUMANOID is one of the most entertaining movies ever made. Aldo Lado has supplied me with some of the most bizarre and twisted images you could never imagine. You know you're in for a treat when the main character is named Golob, played by a bearded Richard Kiel and he's got a robot-dog in his crappy spaceship. You somehow can't go wrong from there on.

The Tom Tom character is also doing his to make THE HUMANOID one of the ultimate Italian science fiction epics, beware his excellent wisdom. Barbara Bach and the gigantic Kiel was quite the team in the Seventies, and as always she's looking hot in this; "The story of Golob turning Unfriendly and Unstoppable". I love Golob and his dog, I wish to see more of them. Why weren't there any sequels?

Ahhh! The glory of Italian Cinema of the Seventies and Eighties continues. These directors and screenwriters seemed to have no limits in ripping off the Hollywood big-seller. There's still plenty of somewhat obscure masterpieces to be discovered, I'm glad I found this one.

I actually enjoyed this more than the better known Italian Star Wars rip-off, STARCRASH. Though it's seldom as hilariously awful as STARCRASH, it is what it is far more CONSISTENTLY. In other words, if you're not charmed by the first 10 minutes of this movie, you're not likely to like any of the rest of it either. The odd thing is that - aside from one early scene in which a vertical bed of nails penetrates a nude woman - this movie seems to have been made for kids. Is it possible that there are two versions, one of which is absent that particular scene? Everything else - from the cute Robodog, to the silly music (via Morricone, no less!), to the dime store moralizing, to the lovable gentle giant (Richard Kiel), to the magic kid from another planet - absolutely screams "kiddie flick".