Roller Blade

no, seriously, me and my friends have a list of the worst movies weve ever seen. #2 is a film called Cannibal Hookers(it sounds good but trust me its not). anyway Roller Blade ranks as #1 and i havent seen any of the sequels, but it disturbs me to learn that they exist.

I saw this movie eons ago, probably shortly after it came out. And the only reason I'm here looking it up on IMDB is that I had to prove to myself that this movie really existed and wasn't a late-night hallucination from my drug-addled post-college daze. To be honest, finding out that it really DOES exist is MORE disturbing than the alternative. This was the most insanely bad movie I have ever seen, by far. I recall one of the post-apocalyptic characters wearing a re-purposed colander as a helmet. You know a film is low-budget when the costume designer was raiding the kitchen cabinet.

This movie would actually be worth seeing, or even owning, for one purpose: if your friends are ever talking about the worst movies they've ever seen, you can hear them out with a smug smile on your face and then say "You think you know bad movies? Watch this..." You'll blow 'em out of the water.

Roller Blade is not and has not pretense of being a great movie. Anyone applying a rigorous scientific analysis to the technologies depicted will either pull out her hair or laugh herself silly.

But it delivers exactly what it promises = action & babes in skimpy outfits. And as one of those babes is the delicious Michelle Bauer, this remains one of my guilty pleasures.

There were just enough literary references in the movie to lead me to believe the producers toyed with the idea of making it a serious flick, but then we were treated to more babes.

All Michelle Bauer fans should watch every film she ever appears in, even this one.

If you pick up horror magazines from 1986 then they promised us the next big thing, roller skate flicks. Rollerball (1975) was a big hit but all the others concerning skates were pure trash. And this do fits that line.

The acting is really terrible and the story goes nowhere so sure this is a B-flick and it does have a monster that is operated by a hand, easy to spot. It do has weird clothing and it do has a lot of nudity. I won't go into names here to see but I was surprised that a lot of girls went full frontal in the most gratuitous way. There is a bath tub scene that is just filmed for the guys.

As stupid as it can gets this is just for the B-flick lovers, I even wouldn't classify it under exploitation. Another example why horror started to fail after 1986. The franchise became ridiculous and in most horrors the gore was left out. Almost unwatchable wasn't it for the girls stripping for nothing at all...

Gore 1/5 Nudity 3/5 Effects 1/5 Story 1/5 Comedy 0/5

My review was written in July 1986 after watching the movie on New World video cassette.

The fad of low-budget science fiction films inspired by the Aussie hit "The Road Warrior" reaches its nadir with New World's "Roller Blade", an amateurish junker released directly to the home video market.

Set in the "City of Lost Angels" during an unspecified post-W. W. III period of barbarism, pic has a female religious order controlled by Mother Speed (Katina Garner) battling with Dr. Saticoy (Robby Talor dressed like a "Road Warrior" bad guy) and his evil henchmen. The novelty of everyone performing on roller skates (except Mother Speed, who's in a wheelchair and young punkers called spikers who use skateboards) soon wear off nd the film becomes interminable.

Saticoy sends a foxy blonde girl (Shaun Michelle) to infiltrate Mother Speed's order and steal her power crystal, which has the ability to heal and even bring the dead back to life (it only works one time per customer, however, on stiffs). She ultimaely rebels and joins the good guys, who, led by Sister Sharon (Suzanne Solari) and a local cop (Marshall Goodman) destroy Saticoy.

Filmmaker Donald G. Jackson apparently shot this mess silent and poorly dubbed new voices for the characters, which only make it seem inferior to the numerous post-synched Italian films in the genre. Special effects (some of which appear to be executed by video techniques) are poor and there is no evidence of a futuristic society in the west coast locations and familiar looking freaks. Inane dialog fails to be funny and Saticoy's hand puppet/doll "baby" sidekick *(at one point it does a Froggy the Gremlin impression from Andy Devine's 1950s tv show) is too silly for a pro feature.

Obviously aware of the video marketplace, Jackson features a great deal of female nudity, including several porn actresses in minor roles.

End credits promote a sequel, subtitled "Holy Thunder".