A Guerra dos Ninja

Okay, it's not really a classic. In fact, few people have probably even heard of this movie. And that's probably a good thing. This movie is odd. Really odd and bad. It has so many weird plot twists (two girls, one a virgin ninja, the other a concubine, are beheaded, and their heads are reattached but switched to different bodies) and visual effects (ninjas that vomit great streams of acid, the big fat naked concubine getting it on with the blind, scarred devil monk) that a mere plot summary cannot do the movie justice. That and I'm lazy. So, go rooting around in your local mom'n pop video store's bargain bin (I got my copy from a friend who bought it at Phar-Mor when they were having a big everything must go sale), look for Ninja Wars, watch it, and be amazed.

This movie is totally ridiculous. Also, the hero has horrible teeth. Looks like they jammed a bunch of marshmallows in there. However, the crazy Devil Monks are pretty entertaining. Why they put an afro on the vomiting monk I'll never know, but I'm glad they did. This is a fairly entertaining movie if you like campy, goofy poorly dubbed ninja movies. The fight scenes are only mediocre, but they clearly spent a decent amount of money on this thing, so the sets and costumes are pretty good. Enjoy. Beware the completely retarded ending though.

Wicked mystic Kashin (Mikio Narita) prophesises that the evil Lord Danjo will become ruler if he marries beautiful Lady Ukyo (stunning Noriko Watanabe); with the help of five powerful wizards, Danjo cooks up a love potion that will guarantee his future as Shogun, but makes an enemy of noble ninja Jotaro (Hiroyuki Sanada) in the process.

My copy of The Ninja Wars came as part of a cheap four film Sonny Chiba box set, but Japanese action legend Chiba barely shows his face in this one; not to worry, mind, because the film is still a great way to pass the time, just so long as a sane narrative isn't your primary concern (and I'm guessing it's not, seeing as the film has the word 'ninja' in the title).

The typically bonkers plot throws everything at the audience from supernatural head swapping to an acid-barfing devil wizard to a love potion made from the tears of a virgin; there's also a fair bit of outrageous gore and female nudity (even chubby chasers are catered for), all of which makes the film good for a laugh. However, The Ninja Wars distinguishes itself from many similarly crazy ninja efforts by also being a beautifully crafted piece of cinema.

Director Kôsei Saitôhe doesn't let the fact that his film is madder than a box of frogs prevent him from going all out with the visuals, every frame a work of art: the camera placement, set design, lighting and cinematography are stunning to behold from start to finish, a sword fight that takes place in and around a burning temple being the aesthetic highlight. Even the visual effects are superb.

Towards the end of the film, the plot gradually falls apart, with too much confusion regarding people's identities (a problem that often arises from head swapping), plus a truly deranged finale that supposedly sees love conquering all—by having the two protagonists roast to a crisp on a sacrificial cross while they passionately embrace (I don't know about you, but barbecued lovers isn't my idea of a happy outcome). Muddled ending aside, though, this is pretty damn good.

(Please note I somehow own a subtitled, widescreen version of this so can't comment on the dubbing)

This is one crazy, and beautiful looking film. A warlord falls in love with a Shogun's daughter, and somehow is approached by a mysterious (and creepy) wizard called Kishon, whom Sonny Chiba finds hiding in a cupboard. Kishon offers to make the warlord (named Danjo) a love potion, so he can win over the girl and rule the land. Chiba warns the warlord that Kishon is evil and storms off, but the warlord's got the hots and agrees, finding himself now joined by five weird magician types. Now these are some weird looking guys. One is blind and shoots nails from his wrists, another can fly, and one can spew acid from his mouth.

Together, they manage to capture the girl's twin sister, who has just completed ninja training with her boyfriend Jitaro (she walks through a bamboo forest cutting the trees with her fingertips!). They are attacked by the magicians and Jitaro receives a faceful of acid for his trouble. Once back at the warlords house, the ninja girl cuts her own head off (again with her fingers), causing one of the magicians to cut the head off a concubine and indulge in a bit of head swapping (and one of the girls ends up with her head on the wrong way).

I'll go no further with the plot, but let's just say Jitaro is out for revenge, and to protect the other twin, which leads to all sorts of showdowns with the magicians (as they are referred to in the subtitle), which includes be-headings, eye gouging, flying through the air, and a lot of stolen identities. Oh, and at one point the blind guy shoots lasers from his eyes.

This is one bonkers film with plenty to enjoy. It seems to have had quite a big budget too, judging by the sets and the gorgeous cinematography, and I wouldn't be remiss in suggesting that Ninja Wars has art house leanings, as there's a lot of eye-popping imagery on view, and it all seems to be about how you can't simulate true love (that's what I got from it anyway). This is one of those Japanese films where, if someone is beheaded, their body sprays blood like a fountain. It's also one of those Japanese films where I felt I wasn't quite picking up on all the cultural references, and reality is kind of played about with (the last third comes across as a bit disjointed).

Still, this is no Godfrey Ho film. This is something else altogether. Recommended at least in the form I viewed it.

Ok, this movie rules. The dubbing is great and the story is hilarious. The gratuitous use of blood and decapitated bodies is so funny the gore is lost. Besides, what's better than a good vs. evil story involving a spider tea kettle filled with a magic aphrodesiac, and insane emperor and an evil ninja spirit with one of the best laughs I've ever heard. If you can someway find this movie, check it out.