O Guerreiro do Mundo Perdido

Somebody please explain this movie to me. What exactly was the plot again? What was "the Warrior" saying during the whole thing? What was that battle royal all about? If "the Warrior had just waited four seconds to pick up Persis Khambatta in the helicopter, would there have been a point in finishing the movie? Where did they find a black Nazi? What was the point of Megaweapon, which really seemed pretty weak (Oooh! A flamethrower!)?

Save yourself. Run from this movie and don't look back. The only way to survive this horror is the MST3K version, but it still hurts.

A "Star Wars"-style word scroll informs us that the nuclear war has been fought, leaving the Earth a post-apocalyptic wasteland, but the world we see in the movie isn't very wastelandy at all, what with all the scenic country roads and large office complexes. We meet "The Warrior" (Robert Ginty), a completely average and fairly loathsome guy who crashes his "Supersonic Speed Cycle" into a very obvious and easily avoidable wall. This convinces some fey, robe-clad elderly types that he is some sort of chosen one, so Fred "Hammer" Williamson and Persis "Star Trek" Kambata (with hair) enlist him to help save her Jimmy Carter-like father from the vaguely evil Prossor (enduring fav Donald Pleasance, great as always). What evil things Prossor is up to are unclear, although they involve lots of Nazi-looking guards who turn into dummies when they fall off of buildings. Plus he employs lots of leather-clad S&M dancers who stretch and gyrate all over each other, which doesn't seem very evil at all to me.

Anyhoo, despite his constant whining and lack of any discernible skills, The Warrior succeeds in saving Carter, only to leave Persis behind for no reason other than him being a total jerk. He and Carter go to a fight in the desert that looks like the one from the beginning of "Any Which Way You Can", save for the monkey pooping in squad cars. After fighting a bunch of random characters (ninjas, amazons, truckers, a lumberjack dwarf, a Divine look-a-like) he gets them all to unite to take on Prossor, who employs "Megaweapon" to demolish them. Megaweapon is a giant truck modified to spurt flames out it's front and- that's about it. It's really slow and clunky and easy to avoid, but it does manage to crush Warrior's incredibly annoying bike (which, I failed to mention, talks. In a Valley Girl voice. Ick.). Megaweapon easily out-acts the unintelligible Ginty.

Some other stuff happens and they rescue Persis, following which Mr. Warrior lays a big, wet, long, nauseating kiss on her, rubbing his livery lips and stubbly beard all over her entire face for several excruciating minutes. She seems to enjoy it, even though he's a twit who left her behind to die at Prossor's hands. Oh, and there's a plot twist that fails to make any sense or have any impact on the story, but at least they put forth the effort to have a twist.

I recommend this movie to any one who gets emotionally erect over explosions. There are lots of things blowing up, sometimes in luxurious slow motion. Sometimes we get to see the same explosion from many angles. It's pyro-porno.

It is physically impossible to comprehend the joy I felt in my heart watching MegaWeapon crush that annoying talking motorcycle!

The main character sucked. Everyone but donald Pleasance also sucked. Still, it was worth more than a few laughs.

The Paper Chase Guy along with his talking bike with graphics straight outta Pong ride around in the apocalypse and meet the Bald Lady from Star Trek the Motion Picture! A bunch of stuff happens and the two end up saving the Bald Lady from Star Trek the Motion Picture's father, aka Jimmy Carter, from the bad guys dressed like Nazis. Whoops, while they may have saved Jimmy Carter, the Bald Lady from Star Trek the Motion Picture got left behind! Now she's being held captive by the evil Donald Plesence. A bunch of other stuff happens that isn't relevant at all to the plot. In the end The Bald Lady from Star Trek the Motion Picture was saved and she and the Paper Chase Guy KISS in the most disgusting scene you have ever seen in your life!! And that damn bike with the Pong graphics came back to life too.

Ok, so this movie doesn't exactly have the greatest acting, special effects, or even a PLOT ... BUT if has one thing no other movie has! The one and only MEGAWEAPON!! It's worth it to sit through all the horrors of the movie just to see the glorious Megaweapon!!

Megaweapon is this magical being who attempted to destroy the Paper Chase Guy! Megaweapon even SQUISHED the evil bike with Pong graphics ... but recall how I mentioned it came back to life, hmph. Then the Paper Chase Guy had to go and destroy the wondrous Megaweapon! Oh the horror! Never fear, Megaweapon has the power of repairing himself!!! It's part of the magic that IS Megaweapon!!

Watch this movie for no reason other than Megaweapon, and laugh at all the scenes without Megaweapon.

What do you get when you add Donald Pleasance, a cute girl, Jimmy Carter, and the Paperchase guy? A good movie, right? WRONG! You get an hour and a half of sleep. Although, there is a bright side to the film (surprised?): MegaWeapon!!! If you are a fan of MST3K than you'll love the riffs on this disasterpiece. "Frank, push the button."