Night Train to Terror

As stated in other comments, this pandemonious cinematic nose-dive is a careless tangle of three of the director's previously released masterworks in condensed form. The admixture is then kneaded into what was presumably intended to pass off as an anthology film, naturally inclusive of a ridiculous wraparound story filmed specifically to make this fish-out-of-water gel somewhat. Unfortunately, what this slapdash recipe yields is an asymmetrical, crudely doctored Frankenstein monster. Truth is, NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR is possibly the most disorienting cinematic achievement since PSYCHED BY THE 4-D WITCH...a feat, to be sure. I've been exposed to two of these stories in their original formats...DEATH WISH CLUB and CATACLYSM, both of which are somewhat interesting B minus trash flicks. The segment featuring 70s superstud John Phillip Law, however, I have yet to track down(something called SCREAM YOUR HEAD OFF/MARILYN ALIVE AND BEHIND BARS, which looks to be a right inviting little crock-o-schlock).

Some heinous early MTV rock video styled nonsense is mashed up in the "new" portion of this palimpsest, guilty of some of the worst fashion bummers ever committed to film. NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR is such an all-wrong royal faux-pa that to be unmoved by gleeful schadenfreude at its expense would seem next to impossible.

4/10

This is a grab bag of a movie, with all sorts of things to offer as long as you don't expect to see a conventional film in any way, shape, or form. It has gore, nudity, bondage, humor, stupid stuff, smart stuff, and everything in between, AND MORE! I had to cut loose with this one, it's so much weird fun. I have to wonder what it would be like to watch this one on any kind of drugs. What we have is a train carrying a kitschy 1980s new wave band doing some hilariously dated vintage-MTV-style routines. Also on board are God and "Mr. Satan", who are engaged in competition for souls of some other people supposedly on the same train. (Of note also is the small role of the conductor, who has some cool, darkly humorous dialogue.) We get to see the cases of the people whose souls for which God and Satan are vying for, which, in actuality, are three different movies (the unfinished movie "Scream Your Head Off", "Death Wish Club", and "Cataclysm") cut down to size for your warped, brain-numbing enjoyment. Two of these entries feature Charles (a.k.a. Richard, or "Bull" from "Night Court") Moll! My favorite of all the stories is definitely the one that was culled from "Scream Your Head Off", which would've been a cool movie if they would have been able to complete it. What a shame! I swear Richard Moll makes for one memorable psycho in that one. Another thing I love is what God has to say about rock n' roll music! I tell you, if God were this cool, I'd be in church everyday! I dig this whole paste-up movie, as you can tell. It's this wild overload of stimuli, like they were just taking everything weird and off-the-wall they could think of and tossing it into one big, freaky mixing bowl. I admit the "Cataclysm" entry is more sluggish, but it's interesting in a lot of its own ways. (I love the on-air speech Moll gives: "What I'm about to say will cause you pain...") I am glad I was able to find this forgotten extravaganza of stylishly bad cinema for only two dollars, because it is loads of wacky fun.

Greetings And Salutations, and welcome to my review of Night Train To Terror; here's the breakdown of my ratings:

Story: 0.75 Direction: 0.50 Pace: 0.75 Acting: 1.00 Enjoyment: 0.75

TOTAL: 3.75 out of 10.00.

There are two good elements to Night Train To Terror - One: The Video Cover. Two: The last few seconds of the end credits when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel and escape is near. But what surprises me most is that the damned film still makes it onto the steaming and terrestrial services. I believe it's on Amazon now, and a couple of years ago, I think I spotted it on Channel 5. You guys and gals know there are supremely better flicks you're failing to air for your audiences. I would be amazed if any appreciated you giving them this mess of a movie.

Philip Yordan penned the screenplay for this trilogy of short stories. And while each is terrible, the last tale is the best. Story one is about an asylum who's found a novel way to earn extra cash. Sell the body parts. So what happens when you run out of inmates? Easy; you brainwash a stranger to grab some lovely ladies for you to chop up. Sadly, what should've been a nicely terrifying story becomes nothing more than a way to get boobies onto your screens. And the story becomes more nonexistent with every bosom revealed: It becomes a case of Thanks For The Mammaries (sorry, I couldn't resist - because we all know resistance is futile). However, in the poorly scribed tale, the lunatics appear to have taken over the asylum. But their insanity could just be reflections of the dire dialogue Yordan has them speak. The second story introduces us to a loving couple who, to ease the boredom of being together, join a Death Club. The club members take turns to devise a bizarre demise, which will kill at least one member. Sadly, it's the poor writing and dialogue that once again hinders the power of this tale. Handled correctly, it possessed all the elements for it to engage the viewer. Unfortunately, it's merely a dull dross. Whereas with story number three, Yordan appears to have taken a creative writing course or three. The story of a never-ageing Nazi is intriguing and a tad complex compared to the previous tales. These convolutions make it the most enjoyable watch of the compilation. And had it been merely about the three stories, the scores may have been different. However, Yordan binds the three tales with God and Satan, vying for their souls. I can see what he's trying to accomplish, but it doesn't work because he's forgotten about the logic of their process. Example: In story one, beautiful girls get slaughtered for spare parts. I'd guess that not all the topless beauties are without sin. But we never hear a peep about their souls. So what makes the chosen soul so special? So these little segues have holes of their own. And let's not forget about the breakdancing rock band that plays pop music and only knows one tune. WTF? So, terrible characterisations, poor structuring, horrid dialogue, and unrealistic and unbelievable situations. Well, let's hope the directors are better.

Sorry! They're not. In fact, they make the story segments worse. Not one of them knew how to handle the pacing. John Carr, who directed the first two, even uses some awful stock footage - in a different aspect ratio. The guy couldn't crop it to the correct sizing - he merely spliced it in. I'll say this for the directors of the third segment, Philip Marshack and Tom McGowan, they attempted to make the extended story more engaging. They employed better lighting and colour techniques. And there are a few nicely composed shots, especially the villains' last walk down the hospital's corridors. However, they still suffer from too mundane a pace. This story deserved more excitement and tension in its atmosphere. Another disappointment came from the special effects. Though there's one decently filmed electrocution showing a bloke who's frying tonight, there are also two monstrously obnoxious stop-motion sequences. One shows a flying bug, and the other gives us a lousy rendition of a demon in hell. Both bug and demon are poorly constructed. They would've done better handing out plasticine to a group of kindergarteners and then used their creations. As for the stop-motion itself, well, the FX people are not Harryhausen. These are some of the most unrealistic animations you'll see. It looks as though they got bored and reduced the number of frames for each movement.

The acting between the stories varies immensely. The psycho's selling body parts is the worst. Even Richard Moll does little to save this travesty, though he's a lot better in the Immortal Nazi story. Luckily for the audience, the performers in the death club are average, which helps to level out the story a tad. Though, it is a case of saving the best for last. Not only was the story and its direction better than the previous tales, but the Immortal Nazi also offered a stronger cast.

Had the first two tales been as well written, filmed, and acted as the third, I'd recommend Night Train to Terror for one watch - had you completed your watchlist. However, they're not that good, and then you have that damned band and their dancers. All of which drops the movie into the 1-2-Miss pile.

Tickets Please; Tickets Please. Next stop, Hell and Damnation. Half an hour before Hell and Damnation: So you have time to read my IMDb lists - Absolute Horror and The Final Frontier to see where I rated Night Train To Terror before we pull into your final terminus, where you and the train will terminate.

Take Care & Stay Well.

Night Train to Terror (1985)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

God and Satan are on board a train where a rock band is playing. The two talk about who is respected more and then we see three separate stories. The first story deals with a man who feels guilty over a drunk driving death that he caused. He finds himself involved in a strange experiment. The second story deals with a medical student who falls in love with a beautiful woman and gets drawn into a strange world of monsters. The final story has a detective (Cameron Mitchell) investigating a murder that leads to a Satanic playboy with special powers.

NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR is a really, really bizarre little movie with an even more bizarre behind-the-scenes story. The only new footage here are the scenes dealing with the rock band and God and Satan. Everything else is footage taken from three completely different movies. What's so strange is that all three of those movies are available to view in their complete form so it's kind of pointless watching them chopped up to fit 20-30 minute segments.

The biggest problem with this movie is that all three stories are completely confusing and they never make too much sense. THere are so many logical issues with each of the three stories and it's easy to see why because all of them are missing over a hours worth of footage. To say that this film was a complete hack job would be fair and it's also fair to say that the studio was just trying to make some cash out of the previous films that I'm guessing they already owed. Why not cut them down, add a wrap-around story and try to pass it off as something new?

Whatever their reasons were, it's funny to think that NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR has remained easy to find over the years while the three other complete films (MARILYN ALIVE AND BEHIND BARS, THE DARK SIDE TO LOVE and CATACLYSM) aren't as easy to track down, although THE DARK SIDE OF LOVE was released as a bonus feature for the Blu-ray release of NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR.

As it stands, this is a pretty hard film to judge simply because of the editing process. The end result is quite poor and it's hard to be entertained by NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR simply because the stories are so bad as they are presented here. To really judge them you'd need to see the complete films. As it stands, NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR is pretty bad but the backstory is much more interesting.

Night Train To Terror is a genuine modern classic. It's a three-part horror anthology edited from three movies, two of which were released separately (Cataclysm and The Death Wish Club) and the third of which was never properly finished. It doesn't make any damn sense, although Richard Moll appears in two segments complete with hair.

The stories are hosted by God (played by "Himself," really Ferdy Mayne) and Mr. Satan (played by "Lu Cipher," ha ha indeed) who sit on a train where a terrible breakdancing '80s band plays the same song over and over again. Highlights include, well pretty much everything. The first segment (the unfinished one) is the most extreme, featuring lots of sadistic violence and gratuitous nudity. The second, The Death Wish Club, is the weakest, although it's still basically a series of cheesy, fun death scenes. The third segment, Cataclysm, has been punched up with new footage of badly-animated stop motion monsters throwing dolls of the characters around.

Not one of the three stories is coherent, but the whole thing is immensely entertaining for fans of strange bad movies. Sit down with some friends and some kind of intoxicating substance (by which I obviously mean beer or other alcohol, I wouldn't advise anyone to take anything illegal, no sir) and you'll have a whale of a time with this one.