- Mission Control: Buckaroo, The White House wants to know is everything ok with the alien space craft from Planet 10 or should we just go ahead and destroy Russia?
- Buckaroo Banzai: Tell him yes on one and no on two.
- Mission Control: Which one was yes, go ahead and destroy Russia... or number 2?
- Buckaroo Banzai: Hey, hey, hey, hey-now. Don't be mean; we don't have to be mean, cuz, remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
- Lord John Whorfin: Where are we going?
- The Red Lectroids: Planet Ten!
- Lord John Whorfin: When?
- The Red Lectroids: Real soon!
- Overhead announcement at psychiatric hospital: Lithium is no longer available on credit.
- [Buckaroo finishes talking with Penny in jail]
- Buckaroo Banzai: Let her out.
- Female Prisoner: Hey, me too.
- Perfect Tommy: Let her out?
- Buckaroo Banzai: That's right, let her out. I'll be responsible.
- Perfect Tommy: But she's a killer.
- Buckaroo Banzai: No, she's not. Now, let her out and give her your coat.
- Perfect Tommy: Why me?
- Buckaroo Banzai: Because you're perfect.
- Perfect Tommy: You have a point there.
- Buckaroo Banzai: You can check your anatomy all you want, and even though there may be normal variation, when it comes right down to it, this far inside the head it all looks the same. No, no, no, don't tug on that. You never know what it might be attached to.
- Lord John Whorfin: May I pass along my congratulations for your great interdimensional breakthrough. I am sure, in the miserable annals of the Earth, you will be duly enshrined.
- Orderly: Who are you today, Doc? Einstein?
- Lord John Whorfin: Lord John Whorfin. If there's one thing I hate, it's to be mistaken for somebody else.
- Perfect Tommy: Emilio Lizardo. Wasn't he on TV once?
- Buckaroo Banzai: You're thinking of Mr. Wizard.
- Reno: Emilio Lizardo is a top scientist, dummkopf.
- Perfect Tommy: So was Mr. Wizard.
- Rawhide: Dr. Lizardo's a raving lunatic, Perfect Tommy. A vicious psychopath. Just as soon kill you as go fishin'.
- Buckaroo Banzai: [after being ionized] There they are. Don't you see 'em?
- Rawhide: What do you mean? Who?
- Buckaroo Banzai: [Points at the Lectroids] Evil, pure and simple from the 8th dimension! Grab 'em! Lectroids! Grab 'em!
- Ed: President's calling, Buckaroo.
- Buckaroo Banzai: The president of what?
- Ed: The President of The United States.
- Buckaroo Banzai: Oh.
- Rawhide: Dr. Banzai is using a laser to vaporize a pineal tumor without damaging the parthogenital plate. A subcutaneous microphone will allow the patient to transmit verbal instructions to his own brain.
- Observer: Like, "raise my left arm"?
- Rawhide: Or "throw the harpoon." People are gonna come from all over. This boy's an Eskimo.
- Lord John Whorfin: Sealed with a curse as sharp as a knife. Doomed is your soul and damned is your life.
- President Widmark: Buckaroo, I don't know what to say. Lectroids? Planet 10? Nuclear extortion? A girl named "John"?
- Scooter Lindley: [pointing an assault rifle at McKinley] Get away from that car or I'll drink your blood!
- SOD McKinley: [nervously] What'cha got there, son? That's not... real, is it?
- [Scooter turns, fires a shot in the air, and turns back to McKinley]
- Scooter Lindley: Get 'em up!
- John Bigbooté: We've had our chance! Your Overthruster's for shit! We're lost!
- Lord John Whorfin: One more word out of you, Bigbooty...
- John Bigbooté: [screaming] BIG-BOO-TAY! TAY! TAY!
- [Whorfin shoots him]
- Buckaroo Banzai: You ever thought about joining me full time?
- New Jersey: Whatya mean, you serious, do you have an opening?
- Buckaroo Banzai: Uh huh. Can you sing?
- New Jersey: A little, yeh, I can dance.
- SOD McKinley: I'll try to be quick. In case you haven't noticed, we have a motorcycle convention moving in and let's face it, you didn't come here to listen to me talk.
- Perfect Tommy: You're right.
- Buckaroo Banzai: You remind me of someone I once knew.
- Penny Priddy: Was she... very beautiful?
- Buckaroo Banzai: She was... Queen of the Netherlands.
- John Ganty: John Valuk is dead, he fell on his head. But perhaps John Parker will get through with our message to Buckaroo Banzai.
- Yoyodyne intercom announcement: The only joy is the joy of duty. Work... work... work.
- John Bigbooté: John O'Connor, break the window!
- John O'Connor: Why me, John Bigboote?
- John Bigbooté: It might be booby-trapped!
- John O'Connor: Oh.
- Penny Priddy: Uh, Buckaroo, you... you forgot your thruster.
- Buckaroo Banzai: [smiles] Why don't you hold onto it for a while?
- Penny Priddy: [looks at him suggestively as he leaves the room] Anytime...
- Jack the Orderly: I've come for your tv. You've been using too much juice. Another 10,000 kilowatts again this month. Beats me how an old, homicidal loony can use that much power.
- General Catburd: The man's been through solid matter, for crying out loud. Who knows what's happened to his brain? Maybe it's scrambled his molecules. All I'm saying is, Mr. President, let's not panic.
- Penny Priddy: What do you want from me Buckaroo? Who am I?
- Buckaroo Banzai: As near as I can figure, you had an identical twin sister, and I married her. But that's over now, and she's gone. And that's about all there is really to say about that.
- [after crashing through the wall of a factory]
- Lectroid: We are not in the Eighth dimension, we are over New Jersey. Hope is not lost.