- Doria Houston: Santa Rosa is so beautiful. I mean, I thought the shopping mall in Anaheim was great until I saw yours. It's... a credit to the vision of your business community.
- Wilson Shears: Now see here, Mr. French! I'm trying to be reasonable about this! Now our, our, our Jaycee Chapter is almost bankrupt because of this meat show!... and if we don't break even we're going to have to cancel the Rodeo for the Retarded.
- Connie - Young American Miss: [Demonstrating how to pack a suitcase, as part of the talent portion of a beauty contest she's participating in] Also, so your shampoo and cosmetics don't spill, put all your gooey things in a plastic bag. I call it my "Icky Bag."
- Connie - Young American Miss: [concluding her demonstration] And one final tip, girls: pack your naughtiest nightie right on top, in case you need it in a hurry.
- Doria Houston: I won Miss Teenage Complexion.
- Robin - Young American Miss: I don't think I've heard of that one.
- Doria Houston: It was sponsored by this horny old dermatologist in Orange County. He rented a room at the Disneyland Hotel... got 16 girls in bathing suits and he had his own beauty contest.
- Robin - Young American Miss: You're kidding me! Well, didn't you get mad?
- Doria Houston: No. I won $200 and had a wart removed.
- Big Bob Freelander: "A guy turns 35." That's really what's buggin' you, isn't it? That you're about to turn 35.
- Andy DiCarlo: Maybe. Maybe. Or maybe I don't see what's fun about kissing a dead chicken's ass.
- Big Bob Freelander: Well that's 'cause you haven't tried it.
- Wilson Shears: I... I realize that you and I have gotten off to a rather shaky start. But things don't have to stay that way. What do you say?
- Tommy French: Let's keep it shaky.
- Tommy French: [Addressing the beauty contestants before their big dance number] Now listen. Just listen. In about two minutes, you're gonna' go out there and be professional dancers. Your job is to make the audience happy. Now, I know that a lot of you are scared and don't think you can do it. But I've been watching you all very carefully, and I know that you can.
- Tommy French: [continues] Now I'd like you to think about a 17-year-old kid... who came to me when I was staging dances for the Mike Curb Congregation. She hadn't had a bit of experience, but she wanted to try so bad that we just had to let her. That was four years ago, and now that girl is one of the Mike Curb lead dancers.
- Tommy French: [the girls look mildly impressed] Now, that may not seem like much to you ladies, but that girl... has a wooden foot. Now go out there and dance with your two *good* feet!
- Judy - Young American Miss: [referring to Maria, aka Miss Salinas, Mexican-American contestant] God, how can you stand being her roommate?
- Karen - Young American Miss: It's all right. She spends most of her time in the kitchen, making guacamole dip.
- Wilson Shears: What happened?
- Tommy French: One of the girls fainted. She'll be all right.
- Wilson Shears: Did she trip? Trip over a nail or something we could be sued for?
- Tommy French: No, and I'll tell her how concerned you were.
- Ted Farley: [Having overheard his story about the girl with the wooden foot] That was really a beautiful story. Listen, I have a syndicated radio show heard in four states. I'm always looking for inspirational youth stories. Do you mind if I use that?
- Tommy French: Be my guest... But it's total bullshit.
- Andy DiCarlo: Jesus! Doesn't anything get you down?
- Big Bob Freelander: Yeah, I get my apple cart upset sometimes. I just learned a long time ago to accept a little less from life, that's all.
- Tommy French: Kick and Bend. Kick and Bend. No dear, if you kick and bend at the same time you're going to knock yourself out.
- Andy DiCarlo: [Bob has just given Andy a rather "rehearsed"-sounding motivational talk - something that sounds like it came directly from the beauty pageant] Bob, I've finally figured out what you are. You know what you are? A goddamned 'Young American Miss'!
- Orren Brooks: You see, old Phil's just mad because his auto repair shop isn't doing as well as my mortuary. We sell more caskets than he does gaskets.
- [With jokes like that, not hard to see why]
- Emile: [referring to Ray Brandy, the band leader] I don't like that music man. He's mean to the Young American Misses. It's a depressing thing to see one person being mean to another person. I need a drink.
- Emile: [Unlocks a Pepsi machine in the corridor, fetches a bottle of booze stashed inside, takes a drink] For those who think young.
- Ted Farley: [watching the Young Miss contestants perform a big dance number on stage] You know something? You did a hell of a job.
- Tommy French: [cynically] I took a bunch of nice high-school kids, and turned them into Vegas showgirls.
- Andy DiCarlo: Doesn't anything ever get you down?
- Big Bob Freelander: Yeah, I get my apple cart upset sometimes. I just learned a long time ago to accept a little less from life, that's all.
- Big Bob Freelander: [continues] Want to know who taught me this great lesson in life? Elizabeth Taylor.
- Andy DiCarlo: [looks incredulous] What?
- Big Bob Freelander: I never bothered to tell you the story because I don't believe in negative stories, but, uh, one time I actually had a date with old Liz herself.
- Andy DiCarlo: You're kidding.
- Big Bob Freelander: Huh-uh. Do you remember when I went off to junior college in Los Angeles? Well, I had a class with a guy that was Liz Taylor's cousin. He fixed me up with her.
- Andy DiCarlo: What was she like?
- Big Bob Freelander: I never met her.
- Andy DiCarlo: You just said...
- Big Bob Freelander: No, I just said that I had a "date" with her. I never said that she kept it. You should've seen all the preparations I made. I went out and got the best flowers that I could find, and a great table at the world-famous Cocoanut Grove restaurant. And then she never showed up. That was the weekend that she ran off and married the hotel guy.
- Andy DiCarlo: I'm sorry.
- Big Bob Freelander: Oh, you don't have to be sorry. Just that now I'm married to Roberta, and I'm happy about it. Even though she is... a little less than Elizabeth Taylor.
- Big Bob Freelander: [pauses to reflect] God, Elizabeth Taylor was beautiful.
- Big Bob Freelander: [looking at Brenda's book of beauty pageant applicants] Wow, any real lookers this year?
- Brenda: Oh, you men...
- Big Bob Freelander: What do you mean, "us men"? You women are checking each other out a lot more than any man I ever saw. You're always the first ones to sneak a look at the centerfold of "Playboy."
- Brenda: That's not true!
- Little Bob: You know something, Dad? I know I sort of put down the pageant the last couple of years. But after reading these applications, I can see why you want to help these girls. They seem very, uh... worthwhile.
- Big Bob Freelander: Right on, son. Right on! These are the finest bunch of high school girls in the state. You want to know something else? One of the most exciting things about growing up: one day, you find yourself being interested in all sorts of new things.
- Little Bob: Yeah!
- Big Bob Freelander: You are tops.
- Andy DiCarlo: I'm getting a reputation for being a drunk, aren't I?
- Big Bob Freelander: No, you certainly are not.
- Andy DiCarlo: It's true.
- Big Bob Freelander: No, it's not true.
- Andy DiCarlo: lt's true. First I was drinking a little, then I was drinking a lot. Damn, it sure sneaks up on you. I just sort of slid into it. That's one thing I'm awful good at: sliding.