Hospital do Horror

'Horror Hospital' is a cheap and very cheerful slice of sexy, early '70s horror sleaze. It's probably the most polished director Anthony Balch made before his untimely death at the age of 42 in 1980. It was also the final acting job for Vanessa Shaw (Judy) who seems to have retired after this.

The cast is impressive. Robin Askwith - whose roles in often hugely un-PC fare such as 'Bless This House', 'Confessions of a Window Cleaner' and 'Carry On, Girls' haven't stifled a prolific career - plays Jason, a true-to-form randy twit who emerges as a kind of hero toward the end (his first words to Judy are, 'Relax, I'm not gonna rape you'). Skip Martin, fresh from Hammer's 'Vampire Circus', is Frederick. Also starring are Eileen Pollock, Dennis Price and top-billed Michael Gough, who puts far more effort into his role as Dr Storm than he did for Hammer's ground-breaking 'Dracula'. You might wonder what these people are doing in gory nonsense like this among a supporting cast of mostly non-actors, but the fact remains - it's gruesomely good fun.

This is another film I remember from childhood, from the days of regular TV (free, broadcast, and adjust the "rabbit ears" for reception), as a crappy but atmospheric British monster picture.

Now, not only on cable, but on a premium service, I came across it again - and in letterbox format no less. Well, the film is still basically very flawed, but it really shows how much better crafted films once were.

While it remains a simplistic lots of onscreen gore effort, this picture is so much more beautiful to look at than many produced today. The cinematography is consistently superior, and well supported by excellent lighting and generally well scored music. And even though the special effects don't match up to todays films they retain some value in that they have more visual "weight" than some of the CGI crap routinely inserted in modern movies.

Unfortunately the wacky plot and mediocre (well, sometimes bad) acting show through in the end. It may be that the director was trying for a lot of humor at points but it only worked for me towards the end of the film when one of those fleeing the burning building stops for a snack in the kitchen.

As for the beheading car mentioned in another review: that particular element is worthy of Austin Powers' "Dr. Evil." I can see the good doctor in this movie also calling out "All I'm asking for is for some frickin' sharks with lasers on their heads."

If you've seen this before on broadcast TV, it may be worth a second look on video or DVD for the cinematography and for the sexual elements which explain the plot a little more. In the TV version I saw as a kid, the sexual theme was not at all evident, and so, the plot seemed even more outlandish than it actually is.

Still, if you happen by this big-time cable it may catch your interest, but all the way along you'll wonder why any premium channel could have chosen this film from their catalog. There are quite simply so many more old British shockers which are better than Horror Hospital."

-SCG

A worn out musician decides to take break and go a relaxing vacation. He chooses to stay at health farm located out in the country and on the way there, he meets a girl on the train going to the same place to see her aunty. The mysteriously mean, but crippled Dr. Storm, who's performing brain surgery on the holidaymakers and turning them into his obedient zombies, runs the resort. When the two teens find out about his insane experiments and learn that's their fate. They go out of their way to get away. But they not only have the doctor to face, but also his dwarf sidekick, an army of leather wearing zombies and that of a hideous monster.

Just wait a second, as I just pick up my jaw from the ground. Now, what was that all about!? "Horror Hospital" has got to be one of the most ridiculous and over-exaggerated horror films that I've ever came across, but you know what? I had a real ball with this blend of macabre and camp! That's high camp of a VERY demented type. The praise that I've given makes it sound great and I had a good old time with it. Although, don't be expecting anything particularly fresh and this deranged piece is one downright messy film that doesn't have any idea of the word coherence. So from that point it recycles the same old formula and leaves a lot of things up in the air. The clichés and predictability flows freely, without any sort of constraints. Also forget about logic in the script and story as that's thrown out of the window for absurd situations that don't make much sense. Actually the whole film doesn't make a whole a lot of sense, with the so many potholes and laziness. There's so much going on in the plot that there's such vagueness to everything and the problem is it tries to squeeze too much madness without explaining what happen before it and how it came to that situation. But all is forgiven because it's so abnormal and hugely enjoyable. So, just go with the flow because if you try to decipher what's going on, you'll receive a splitting headache for your troubles. The whole mysterious awe about what's going is just so hard to shake that I couldn't keep my eyes off it.

The actual story is no more then a melodrama disguised as a Gothic shocker, which spurts along some exploitation and black humour along the way. Actually, the whole thing turns into a black farce with everything being poked fun at and the blood splattering is pretty much in a comic book state. Because of that the violence isn't particularly gruesome and it doesn't make you squirm, but the gratuitous bloodletting and nudity does run freely. Damn those leather-clad zombies really do like to hand out a beating! The great thing about it is that everyone involved knows how stupid it really is and don't take the thing so seriously. The performances are plain awful and purely amateurish to say the least. But it's Michael Gough's hellishly campy performance that steals the lime light as the crazy Doctor and Skip Martin as Frederick the dwarf adds a cheeky vibe to the film. The dialogue joins it with its ineptness. But even though these things are terrible there's some energy amongst it and you can't go wrong with the tongue-in-cheek approach it takes. Another strong feature is that of the setting. The resort, which more looks like a castle on the inside, has an oppressive awe about it and the grand Gothic exterior makes it look larger and menacing than it really is. Being isolated in the countryside helps provide such a brood atmosphere too. Although, it's definitely hilariously bad, it still does have its eerie moments worked in. Also the robust score builds on the suspense and uneasiness greatly and the soundtrack is reasonably groovy. Well, what do expect from that era. Really, this is purely utter ham that breathes sadism and sleaze in a very cheap way.

No way can you call this a good film, because it's not. The aim of the flick is to entertain with it being heavily laced with bloody, sleazy and humorous context. Even if the production is pure rubbish, it does it effectively enough that I can see this becoming a guilty pleasure of mine. Only for people who really enjoy camp horror and if you do, you're in for one big treat.

Rock and roll enthusiast, Jason Jones (Robin Askwith) needs a vacation. Luckily for him, a magazine ad leads him to Hairy Holiday, where Mr. Pollack (Dennis Price) sets Robin up with a suitable getaway.

Next stop, the enormous Brittlehurst Manor, where Jason and his new friend, Judy (Vanessa Shaw) encounter Dr. Christian Storm (Michael Gough) and his creepy crew of nefarious cronies. These include the diminutive Frederick (Skip Martin), the devilish Aunt Harris (Ellen Pollock), and various, cadaverous zombies and bikers. Will Jason and Judy ever leave this terrible place?

HORROR HOSPITAL is a crackpot menagerie of the macabre and maniacal. Dr. Storm is carrying out unholy experiments, while something resembling a man made entirely of Silly Putty roams the mansion. If absurdity is what you seek, then seek no more! Gruesome and beyond bonkers, HH delivers the ghastly goods!

CONTAINS: Mad science, brains on a plate, nudity, and decapitation as motor sport!...

It's one of those creaky British horrors that always show up on the BBC in the early hours of the morning. The reason for this is that the only ones watching are the drunks staggering in from the pub, or the insomniacs interested in a thrill to pass the time away with. The former are the better off because this is a film where not being of sober mind can only aid the viewing.

It's bonkers in plotting, Robin Askwith (just prior to his shift into a sex comedy franchise) is a stressed out singer with a pop group. He decides to go for some R&R at a country retreat. He hooks up with Vanessa Shaw on the train journey in, and once they arrive at the retreat they find it's a bizarro world inhabited by mute bikers, lobotomised robots, a malignant dwarf and a mad doctor (Michael Gough) in a wheelchair!

That's pretty much it, not much makes sense, there's a little sexy nudity, a whole host of sequences where the zombies do nothing of interest, some scenes of the dwarf (Skip Martin) mixing potions and puddings, and some cool fake fights between Askwith and chums and the crash helmet bikers. It plods along gleefully to the finale's big reveal and chase/escape sequence, to round it off as car crash cinema. Splendidly bad and joyful in subtexts. 5/10