Train Ride to Hollywood

Oddly enough, I remember seeing this movie back when it first came out. Maybe the fact I was young in age made it more memorable for me *shrug*. I liked it...to this day I find myself humming "get your ticket, get your ticket, ya gotta have your ticket for the train ride". Perhaps it's also in part that I grew up listening to the Sinceres aka Bloodstone on the Radio and Records at home. Granted it isn't on par with any Cinematic greats...but for a cheesy 70s film it isn't that bad..especially for a vehicle for a 70s Band. This movie is a tad better than Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park (imho). If you want a thinking movie, yeah get something else..but for a fun look at a "classic" 70s cheesy movie there is far worse. Heck, I have to admit I've seen worse movies in the 2000s that were MEANT to be "serious"...at least this one was meant to be "fun".

WARNING! This movie could HURT. Imagine a film musical FAR WORSE than "At Long Last Love", "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" or "Lost Horizon" then multiply it by TEN, then you almost can conceptualize how heinous this thing is. A very, VERY small amount of the music and dance is vaguely enjoyable. The song in the railway station which ends up in laughable faux Busby Berkley-style kaleidescope formations is about the only thing that can be sat through without throwing an anvil at the TV set. Most of the rest is so painful it should be run on a continuous loop in high school detention halls. The "lookalikes" in this turkey are so way off that you have to strain to imagine who most of them are! Gable's voice is okay and WC Fields is so-so. The Bogart guy isn't too horrible, but ALL of the rest are incredibly lame. (The one playing Brando in "The Wild One" deserves some minor credit.) And anyway......the whole thing is so senseless and impossibly stupid that it doesn't even matter! Here's the kicker... The DVD comes with a little mini card of the original release poster. It boldly features the REAL faces of all the stars that the lame imposters are trying to impersonate! Imagine people's horror when they thought they might see something resembling these celebrities, but instead found Dan Tanna's casino hostess from "Vegas" flopping around with the most inappropriate Scarlett O'Hara accent imaginable and two perfectly ordinary-looking people acting like they're Nelson Eddy and Jeannette McDonald. The man playing Clark Gable is a particular insult when confronted with Gable's real face (as briefly shown in this turkey). The impersonator looks like Gable if Gable were an overweight used car salesman from Peoria. A MESS!!!!

I'd be surprised if anyone ever reads this review. Judging by the 13 whole votes "Train Ride To Hollywood" had before mine, no one knows of this film or has ever seen it.

Ignorance, my friends, is bliss.

I stumbled across this...this...unholy THING on television one dark day, and it was so stunningly wretched I could not take my eyes off it for fear that I'd miss the literal lowpoint in the history of cinema. From the horrific, unfathomable beginning to the excruciating, vomit-inducing end, this waste of celluloid redefines -- nay, deconstructs -- the term "bad movie." "Bad" doesn't even begin to describe it. Take every synonym for "bad" you can find, invent a few of your own, and you haven't even begun to scratch the surface of how truly putrid "Train Ride To Hollywood" is.

First, there is zero story. Musicals don't always have the best plots, but COME ON!! This dung heap is so devoid of sense it makes the average porno look like a Merchant-Ivory production.

Next, the acting. The homeless guy at my Seven-11 who drunkenly tap-dances for spare change has more talent in his pinkie than every "actor" in this schlockfest combined. The cast consists of people doing impressions of Hollywood greats so relentlessly awful you'd swear they're half-assing it out of spite. Not even half-assing. Maybe quarter-assing, or even eighth-assing. No one in this entire sorry spectacle even remotely sounds like who they're imitating, and if any of these people ever worked again, I'd be shocked and angry.

Then there's the musical numbers. Apparently, the four African American gents in this fetid film belonged to the group Bloodstone. I can't possibly imagine who these guys p***ed off or what kind of financial/drug problems could compel them to take this gig, but every one of them should be ashamed, and they owe their entire race an apology.

Folks, I'm not one of those people who finds racism everywhere or focuses on how bad things are for minorities in entertainment, but I simply could not believe how appallingly racist this movie is. Not only do the ONLY black guys in the movie do all the skip-and-shuffle musical bits, they are degraded beyond all belief.

At one mind-numbing point in this abysmal flick, one of the black guys actually FIGHTS A GORILLA IN A BOXING RING!!! And to give him strength during the fight, THE OTHER THREE BLACK GUYS FEED HIM GRITS!!! Jar-Jar Binks would cringe at this. I mean, I half expected the Cream of Wheat guy to come dancing out juggling basketballs and watermelons. It is that bad. (By the way, I saw this film on the Black Starz channel. What on Earth were they thinking?)

In summary, "Train Ride To Hollywood" is filmmaking at its absolute, rock-bottom worst. Satan could show this as an orientation video in Hell. I am a worse human being for having seen it. And despite everything I've said about it, I give it a 3/10. That's 0 for the film itself and 3 for whoever had the brass ones to foist this steaming pile of poo on the public. God help us all.

Train Ride to Hollywood is a musical comedy. Bloodstone's Harry Williams is fascinated with Hollywood and its famous actors of old. He falls and hits his head just before going on stage, no thanks to their producer (Michael Payne) tugging on his leg. The movie is his dream, a goofy dream at that.

There are auditions in Hollywood and they need to take a three-day train ride to get there. The only problem is they don't have the money for train tickets. So they trick real railway workers and steal their uniforms. The train's passengers consist of a Sheikh and his harem, W.C. Fields, Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler, a loveable Dracula, The Godfather, Humphrey Bogart, Jean Harlow, Nelson Eddie and Jeanette MacDaonald and others. Bloodstone turns into detectives ala Sherlock Holmes following a double murder. Guess the killer couldn't stand Nelson Eddie and Jeanette MacDonald's continuous singing. A wacky funeral, fight with a gorilla, and threat of being turned into a wax museum figure are all part of Harry's dream.

Dance numbers are good especially the memorable Train Ride number filmed in L.A's Union Station. (Funny thing is they start at Union station and end there). I've watched it over and over again. Charles McCormick and his falsetto voice are wonderful in the number with the Rhythm professor. Charles Love singing to Tracy Reed is also great to watch. Too bad there is no soundtrack for this film. The movie is overall fun.

This is a fun, silly movie which takes very bizarre and unexpected turns. But I've watched the "Train Ride" musical number over and over again. It's worth the rental. As they say, "Get your ticket get your ticket you gotta have a ticket for this train ride..."