Ele Vai Ter um Bebê

Last summer I went to a local dirt-mall to browse through used VHS tapes. I came across this and went "Oh wow! Billy Crystal in a Joan Rivers movie! And Billy's pregnant!". So I got it. Now, I have never seen any movie written by Joan Rivers, but I knew she was funny. Oh boy......what a queen of comedy she is.......

I love slapstick and stupid humor; I love "The Jerk" with Steve Martin, so you can't accuse me of being high-brow. This movie is non-stop stupidity ranging from "what in the Hell?" to "Oh, Joan (shake head)". Now, it's been a while since I've watched it (and I've tried my best to erase this movie from my mind) but the scene that sticks out to me was Billy Barty in blackface. That was the reaching point for me. I was anticipating Billy Barty's cameo....and then that happens. So Joan Rivers' idea of comedy is a pregnant man and a racist midget. This movie made me question why Rivers got as famous as she did - because she truly lacks any comedic talent.

So, for the love of all that is holy, stay away from this movie. Billy Crystal didn't even save it; the whole time I felt sorry for him. And for his first staring role in a film, too! I should also mention that this is also Michael Keaton's first screen role - though his character doesn't talk and is only in it for a blink of an eye. Though fairly short for the average movie, this certainly felt more than two hours - all of which I sat through, hoping that it would get better. On top of that the quality of the video is extremely poor and it doesn't sound like they used any boom mics - which makes it harder to hear in places. Fortunately, you don't NEED to hear it - because you shouldn't be watching this in the first place.

It's difficult to precisely put into words the sheer awfulness of this film. An entirely new vocabulary will have to be invented to describe the complete absence of anything even remotely recognizable as 'humor' or even 'entertainment' in "Rabbit Test." So, as a small contribution to this future effort, I'd like to suggest this word:

"Hubiriffic" (adj.) A combination of 'hubristic' and 'terrific'; used to describe overly ambitious debacles like the film "Rabbit Test."

Joan Rivers and "Hollywood Squares" producer Jay Redack have severely over-reached their meager abilities to amuse in this 82-minute festival of wretchedness. Trying to put together an Airplane! style comedy with a moldy collection of gags, (Note to Joan: German doctors haven't been funny since Vaudeville) disinterred from their graves in the Catskills - that's is bad enough. But compounding this cinematic crime is River's directorial style, which can best be described as 'ugly', and a cast of once-and-future has-beens so eager to please they overplay even the weakest of throwaway gags.

Adrift in this Sargasso Sea of sap is a hapless Billy Crystal in his film debut role as the film's hapless protagonist Lionel. Watching Crystal in this pic is much like watching a blind person take a stroll in a minefield; eventually the cringe reflex becomes a semi-permanent condition as cheap joke after cheap joke blows up in his face.

I can only speculate about the sort of audience who might actually like Rabbit Test. Cabbages, mollusks and mildly retarded lizards are all likely candidates. But for self-aware, thinking humans - I'd enthusiastically recommend pouring bleach in your eyes before I'd recommend "Rabbit Test."

I saw this film when it first came out in 1978, when I was a sophomore in high school. I took a date to see it. I didn't "get any," needless to say, because the film was so bad! Joan Rivers' career never tanked as badly as it deserved after making this awful, unfunny crap. In fact, unfunny isn't a severe enough term: this film is ANTI-FUNNY! You walk out feeling like any laughter that might have occurred was beaten out of you before it could happen. This isn't worth watching out of curiosity, or out of any sense of it being "so-bad-it's-good." Not even the gang at MST3K could've made this worth watching! The fact that Billy Crystal's career survived this early suicide attempt is a miracle.

I remember rolling in the aisles with laughter from some of the subtle (and not-so-subtle) jokes in this film: Billy Crystal yelling out "Immigration!" in order to dismiss his ESL class after everything else fails; the young girl appearing from under the kitchen table and the clergyman simply saying "Bless you, my child.". The experience of watching it for the first time was also memorable, as I saw it with my sister while living in Mexico, and a lot of the jokes went over most of the audience's head. People kept giving us strange looks while we laughed at jokes that made no sense to them at the time. I hope to find this on DVD sometime; it would make a great addition to anyone who loves film parodies and screwball comedies.

....and is stretched out to feature length via an overabundance of terrible, scenerey-chewing performances and witless ethnic humor. Worth a look, I suppose, as Billy Crystal's first film; we all got to start somewhere (he looks like Steve Guttenberg here). * out of 4.