O Cruzeiro do Terror

A genuine all-star cast (including Oscar winner Ray Milland) tackle a deep-sea treasure hunt. Milland plays an archeologist determined to prove the ancient Egyptians settled in Mexico by opening a tomb on the Gulf floor.

Let me read that again. Yep. That's right. I don't know what college hired Milland's character as a professor, but don't send your kids there.

High O'Brian is the square-jawed captain. His "Gilligan" is Dirk Benedict, who kids around so much it's no wonder he can't get a job on a better ship. John Forsythe is the recovering-alcoholic preacher who sets himself up as Milland's antagonist, warning him not to open the tomb because of a "curse." He utters lots of ridiculous, superstitious and anti-Biblical claptrap. I belong to and teach adult Sunday School at a fairly conservative Southern church and if we got hold of a preacher spouting this inanity we'd pitch him out OVER the front steps. The mark of a good actor is to hit his marks and not bump into the furniture, but the mark of a great actor is the ability to recite ridiculous dialogue and make it sound reasonable. Forsythe is a great actor.

Forsythe's jaded wife is an unglamorourized Lee Meriwether. Actually married couple Christopher and Linda Day George play a squabbling couple without much to do. Frank Converse (no, I never heard of him, either) plays a mysterious character with the more mysterious name "Lazarus" who mysteriously arrives without a ticket but whom O'Brien mysteriously lets on board because he said he had one . . . That's the slipshod way this ship is run.

Stella Stevens (leaning forward a lot in low-cut dresses) is the heroine who says she can read minds. And a couple of eye-candy girls are along for the ride, one who is hot and the other who is not (you can tell the latter because she wears glasses, the Hollywood sign of a frump).

Naturally, given the nature of looking for a submerged Egyptian tomb we're handed lots of underwater scenes. I don't like underwater scenes. I never can tell what's going on in them. And either these scenes are particularly murky or I got a poor print. Or both.

Historically, Biblically, sensibly, you name it, the story is garbage. But a talented cast is able to put it across so it makes some sort of sense in some sort of universe. I only wish it had been longer and the more neglected actors (all of whom I like) had more to to. It should have been a miniseries. I've actually witnessed worse. Really.

One caveat: the primary interest these "ancient horror awakes" movies have is in who dies. This movie goes on a long time with no deaths. Too bad. Short as it is, they can afford to cull some of the expensive cast.

In CRUISE INTO TERROR, an "all-star cast" sets off on a cruise through the Gulf of Mexico, only to be thrust into a life-threatening adventure into the unknown. Strange, near-fatal "coincidences" start happening.

Then, a cranky anthropologist (Ray Milland) wants to investigate a sacred tomb at the bottom of the Gulf, and the game is on! Things go from bad to worse, with supernatural occurrences aplenty. Annnd, there's a gale on the way!

Sort of like a haunted version of LOVE BOAT, this movie is a soggy cousin of HORROR AT 37,000 FEET. John Forsythe looks very stern and rants a lot as a preacher, while the beautiful Lee Meriwether tries her best to look frumpy as his frustrated wife. Christopher and Lynda Day George are also on board as a struggling married couple. The stunning Stella Stevens is a psychic divorcee, and Dirk Benedict is the First Mate.

This is guaranteed, top-of-the-line made-for-TV entertainment! Just make sure you watch out for that darned black cat!...

This picture was great fun back when I first saw it as a kid. Predating the spate of early 80's knife-kill flicks meant that 'Horror' as a genre still meant supernatural thriller when this picture was made, and it relies heavily on a taut atmosphere of suspicion and fear among the passengers for its shocks. There are few of the Hallowe'en style jolts that we associate with contemporary horror, in fact very little happens. Watching it again just a few years ago I was surprised that it still gave me chills from its tight, claustrophobic shooting and editing style in a way that good giallo thrillers do (and most giallo pictures, rather disappointingly do not). The writing and acting are standard made for TV disaster fare and the picture is less impressive if you focus on that. So turn the lights down, get some popcorn, turn a deaf ear to some of the shriekier dialogue and enjoy the film as a mood piece. And when the hair on your neck stands up, let it.

Now this '70s made-for-TV film has a fun little bit of history to it. While at the time bigtime TV-producer Aaron Spelling was executive producer on the massively successful "The Love Boat" series, it seems as if he thought it would be a great idea to produce some made-for-TV movies with the same wonderful boat setting, only this time adding thriller & horror to the mix. One of those movies turned out to be "Cruise Into Terror", about a bunch of people - ranging from average tourists to a doctor/professor/historian - ending up on a cargo ship en voyage towards the coast of Mexico. Oddly enough, Dr. Isiah Bakkun (the historian) is convinced of the existence of a sunken Egyptian pyramid near the coast of Mexico; a pyramid containing a sarcophagus containing... the Son of Satan! No kidding. Bizarre incidents & near-death accidents start happening soon enough, like sudden shark attacks and all technology on board giving up on them. Their fun 2-day voyage seems doomed, for some reason. When the ship eventually ends up floating dead in the water, they suddenly find themselves right above the location of the sunken pyramid. Naturally, both the greediest passengers (there must be a hidden treasure, of course!) as well as Dr. Bakkun consider this the chance of a lifetime. So they dive, bring up the sarcophagus and with it they bring on board a great, ancient evil. This might all sound a bit more exciting than it actually turns out, though. But still, this peculiar TV-movie remains a fun watch. Good old Ray Milland - who plays Dr. Bakkun - is mumbling his articulated lines with some enthusiasm and a young Dirk Benedict - once again playing a ladies' man, while also being the ship's second-in-command - is also amongst the cast, so that adds to the fun. And the sarcophagus - clearly made out of rubber - is one truly malevolent artifact. Or well, maybe not all that menacing-looking, but the thing is pure evil. Fun watch, if nothing else.

"Cruise into Terror" comes with my warmest possible recommendation, but only in the unlikely event that you are deliberately looking for an occult thriller/horror film that is chock-full of utter nonsense! This made-for-television flick, produced by Aaron Spelling, contains so much senseless and imbecilic drivel that it's almost impossible to write a summary; - but here is an attempt anyway! The scenario raises the theory that the Ancient Egyptians discovered Mexico, and that they even laid the foundations for the Mayan culture. I tell you, it requires an experienced actor with a stoic and motionless straight face like Ray Milland to daresay claptrap like that! Furthermore, they want us to believe that the Antichrist (yes, the son of Satan) travels in a midget-sarcophagus from the US to Mexico and that there are pyramid tombs at the bottom of the ocean. Why drag in Satan and his offspring when you're dealing with Ancient Egyptians, by the way? What's wrong with bloodthirsty mummies, vengeful pharaohs or malignant Egyptian deities? So, 12 people are floating around on a ramshackle, retired cruise liner supposedly because the much better boat was overbooked. On board we meet a stereotypical group of travelers, including a reverend struggling with his beliefs (how very "Poseidon Adventure"), an estranged couple, two party girls, nagging women, an obsessive old scientist, a hunky deck officer/technician, a melancholic captain and a disposable black guy. Oh, and there's also a black cat. That's always a good idea to have on board of a cursed voyage! When they stumble upon the sarcophagus, most of the greedy passengers want to sell it to a museum and make money out of it, but the reverend insists to destroy it due to its unholy content. Just another exciting day on board of Aaron Spellings' secondhand Love Boat! The pacing is intolerably slow, and you can certainly tell it's a TV-movie by the complete lack of excitement or bloodshed. Whenever director Bruce Kessler does try to insert a bit of action, he fails miserably. Prime examples are the laughable cabin fire, where people simply stand motionless in between supposedly raging flames and the legendary dumb (to me, at least) shark attack. I know a thing or two about sharks, and this specimen is an average-sized Blue Shark. This species is almost entirely harmless and hardly what you can call menacing. There have been a few cases of Blue Sharks attacking humans, but they barely cause any damage. You also don't need to be an expert to see that the footage was added in separately. What tremendous good performances of the ensemble cast for looking so genuinely terrified at nothing!