A Rainha dos Vikings

When Don Chaffey directed the historically ludicrous and rather camp dinosaur epic One Million Years B.C., he cleverly distracted viewers from the film's sillier aspects through the use of stunning stop-motion creature effects, and Racquel Welch's even more stunning chest. The result was a completely daft, but thoroughly entertaining piece of schlock cinema.

With The Viking Queen, an equally silly and factually inaccurate sword and sandal movie, he once again uses 'big breast diversion tactics'—only this time with less successful results. Perhaps Chaffey should have thrown caution to the wind and chucked in a T-rex or two!

Beautiful, pillow-chested model Carina plays Celtic Queen (yes... Celtic!) Salina of the Iceni, who is forced to pick up a sword and fight the Romans, despite the fact that her lover, Justinian, is their leader. Carina sure is gorgeous, but even her breath-taking looks and marvellous physique are not enough to prevent one from noticing her wooden acting, the dreadful script, and plodding direction.

Stay the course, and you will be treated to a couple of unintentionally hilarious scenes (of which the lowering of Romans into a fiery pit was my favourite), a smattering of partial nudity (nipple tassles spoil the fun), and a silly battle with Boudicca-style warrior women in chariots (with blades on the wheels) attacking Romans with glee.

But even these enjoyably dumb moments cannot stop The Viking Queen from being a merely mediocre effort.

During the height of the breasts-on-display, low-budget-epic era in the mid-60's, Murray got off at the wrong "Bus Stop" and wound up flailing around in this sword and sandal howler. He plays the Roman ruler of a Celtic tribe in ancient Britain. The Celtic King dies and appoints one of his three daughters to rule in his place (even though she is virtually a figurehead because of the Roman occupation.) He picks Carita and, because her mother was a Viking, she is dubbed The Viking Queen. (Apparently, she picked up her mother's accent along the way even though she was raised in Britain?) Murray and Carita have an affection for one another, but it is put to the test when he leaves to fight an enemy and his second-in-command starts wreaking havoc on her people. Finally, she's had enough and rises to battle the Romans even at the expense of her relationship with Murray. Carita is lovely (as any former model should be), but her acting inexperience shows much of the time. Murray couldn't possibly be more miscast and he and Carita have only adequate chemistry at best. They do have their own little mini-Ben Hur chariot race which ends up in a swamp, but their great love is not aptly demonstrated in the film. Corri and Pagett play her sisters. One looks old enough to be her mother and dabbles in the occult while the other has a tentative love affair with a local bruiser played by Caffrey. Houston is a raving, rabble-rousing Druid priest who, at times, makes Victor Buono look subtle. Actors like Keir and Troughton attempt to give real performances, but are done in by the pedestrian script. The ad copy for this film promised all sorts of wild events on screen, but most of them are presented in a more-than-tame manner. There is also a heavy dose of hilarious feminine pulchritude on display as scantily-clad ladies show off their bodies with strategic arm, pasty and hair placement to cover the naughtiest bits while they lie around stroking and petting the various men of the cast. One, in particular (referred to as the Nubian slave) is an obviously Caucasian girl in blackface with "Star Trek" make up who probably has more costume changes than the lead! It's not the dullest film ever made and has a few intriguing moments and some eye-catching scenery and costumes, but doesn't hold up as history, nor as titillation.

Salina is the lovely daughter chosen by her dying Celtic father to succeed her as the royal ruler in Roman-occupied Britain, just after the time of Christ, because she would be the moderate one among his daughters--not too militant or to soft--she would have the best judgment in dealing with the Romans. This is immediately compromised because the Roman ruler Justinian (played by Don Murray) and she quickly fall in love. Her affections for him are partially stirred because issues involving Roman rule include religion, rites, and taxes, and Justinian is fairer than other less virtuous Romans in his orbit in being accommodating. The Celts also acknowledge the protection the Romans provide against bandits etc. However, the Celtic Druids will not allow the marriage of Salina and Justinian.

Trouble is instigated by the bad elements of the Romans and Celts--led by Roman honcho Octavian and Celtic merchants whose taxes have been raised while farmers with bad harvests have been given relief. This has been done to draw off Roman forces (including Justinian) from the seat of government and split them up to quell the scattered Celtic attacks, while the intrigues of Octavian and his schemers are orchestrated, and they turn the queen and her coterie against the Romans. (Note a principal Roman administrator is named Tiberian--do up the aura with those imperial nomenclatures.)

"The Viking Queen" has good visuals, and offers the viewer its attempt to portray the customs, dress, and Druid religious rites of the Celts. However, the title is a mystery--actually, maybe not--it is more dynamic than "Celtic Queen." Anyway, the women were sometimes dressed (or pictured) in ways just short of "revealing." The chief disappointment is the ending. Viewers want a certain type of ending in this type of movie, but it wasn't to be, and is a letdown as entertainment. However, recommended otherwise.

This was Hammer Films' sole foray into peplum territory: that it's not typical material for this outfit is also borne by the fact that the writing and producing credits aren't the usual Hammer stalwarts! Don Chaffey, who handles the proceedings efficiently enough, was something of an expert in the field - having directed Hammer's ONE MILLION YEARS, B.C. (1966) as well as the Ray Harryhausen extravaganza JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS (1963).

Actually, the plot isn't all that different from that of THE LAST ROMAN (1968-9) which I watched recently: while the latter was low-brow and solemn but rather interesting, this is low-brow and silly but undeniably fun. Thankfully, there's intrigue (resulting in plenty of snarling), action and sadism - not forgetting the beautiful Irish locations - to keep one watching. Still, the lazy scripting is so obviously a mishmash of elements without any rhyme or reason that it somehow seems to think of Druids, Vikings and Greeks (all distinct in culture, geography and timeline) as one and the same people!!

With respect to the cast: Carita (whose only film this was) is actually not too bad in the title role - though necessities of plot and an inevitable romance with the enemy leader prevents her from donning armor and turn warrior before the last 20 minutes of the film proper!; Don Murray, saddled throughout with an unbecoming hair-do, tries to keep his dignity as best he can; Andrew Keir (as Murray's jealous aide and the true villain of the piece), Niall MacGinnis and Patrick Troughton actually give good performances; however, Donald Houston's hammy turn as the High Priest of the Druid community is wildly entertaining - and Wilfred Lawson is equally embarrassing as the doddering and moribund Viking King.

Ah, yes, let us now all take a moment and consider our debt to the fine British gentlemen of Hammer Films, who kept the 60s and 70s full of luridly colored historo-horror epics. Arguably, the essence of the Hammer style is 1,001 ways to nearly show naked breasts, and "The Viking Queen" is a high example of such. The queen of the title seems to be based on Bodicea, bloodthirsty queen of the Britons. Still, she is a Viking, even though she is supposedly British, and queen of the Druids, even though they all worship the Greek god Zeus. Whatever. Said queen is played by "International Beauty" Carita in a style so rigid that "wooden" doesn't even cover it. This was her only film--I believe she was actually a hairstylist and did Jane Fonda's astonishing do's in the Euro-Poe flick "Spirits of the Dead." Starring opposite her as her hot-panted, eyeliner-ed Roman love interest is Don Murray, a long way from Marilyn Monroe and the "Bus Stop."

Still, my favorite scene is where the British-Viking-Greek-Druids are sacrificing Romans to the fiery pit and there's this great awkward moment where some kind of assistant priest has to climb down from the big rock and stoke the fire for the next human sacrifice while all the other British-Viking-Greek-Druids stand waiting impatiently. I hate it when that happens.