- Batman: Robin, listen to these riddles. Tell me if you interpret them as l do. One. What has yellow skin and writes?
- Robin: A ball-point banana!
- Batman: Right. Two. What people are always in a hurry?
- Robin: Rushing people? Russians!
- Batman: Right again. Now, what would you say they mean?
- Robin: Banana. Russian. I've got it! Someone Russian is going to slip on a banana peel and break their neck!
- Batman: Precisely, Robin!
- Commissioner Gordon: It could be any one of them. But which one? Which ones?
- Batman: Pretty *fishy* what happened to me on that ladder.
- Commissioner Gordon: You mean where there's a fish, there could be a Penguin?
- Robin: But wait! It happened at sea. See? C for Catwoman!
- Batman: Yet, an exploding shark *was* pulling my leg...
- Commissioner Gordon: The Joker!
- Chief O'Hara: All adds up to a sinister riddle. Riddle-R. Riddler!
- Commissioner Gordon: Oh, the thought strikes me. So dreadful, I scarcely dare give it utterance.
- Batman: The four of them. Their forces combined.
- Robin: Holy nightmare!
- Commissioner Gordon: Penguin, Joker, Riddler... and Catwoman, too! The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate!
- Batman: We've been given the plainest warning. They're working together to take over...
- Chief O'Hara: Take over *what*, Batman? Gotham City?
- Batman: Any *two* of them would try that!
- Commissioner Gordon: The whole country?
- Batman: If it were three of them, I would say yes, but *four*? Their minimum objective must be... the *entire* world.
- Vice Admiral Fangschliester: [on the phone] Avast and belay, Batman. Your tone sounds rather grim. We haven't done anything foolish, have we?
- Batman: [reproachfully] Disposing of pre-atomic submarines to persons who don't even leave their full addresses... Good day, Admiral!
- Vice Admiral Fangschliester: [they hang up] Gosh!
- Batman: Who knows, Robin? This strange mixing of minds may be the greatest single service ever performed for humanity! Let's go, but, inconspicuously, through the window. We'll use our Batropes. Our job is finished.
- Batman: Look at this pair of joking riddles.
- Chief O'Hara: [reads] What does a turkey do when he flies upside down?
- Robin: He gobbles up!
- Chief O'Hara: Of course.
- Batman: And, number two...
- Commissioner Gordon: [reads] What weighs six ounces, sits in a tree and is very dangerous?
- Robin: A sparrow with a machine gun!
- Commissioner Gordon: Yes, of course.
- The Riddler: You and your trained exploding shark!
- The Penguin: Ah, crack! How should I to know they'd have a can of Shark Repellent Bat-Spray handy? Why, you sniveling sardine!
- The Riddler: And you pompous, puffed-up Penguin!
- Vice Admiral Fangschliester: ... to some chap named P. N. Guin.
- Batman: P. N. Guin?
- Robin: The Penguin!
- Robin: When you think, Batman, with people in weird outfits, like the four supercrooks hangin' around, it's amazing someone hasn't already reported this place to the police!
- Batman: It's a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions.
- Robin: Gosh, drink is sure a filthy thing, isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes!
- Batman: Uh-uh.
- Robin: [pointing toward the sky] That crazy missile! It wrote two more riddles before it blew up!
- Batman: [reading a skywritten message] "What goes up white and comes down yellow and white?"
- Robin: An egg!
- Batman: [reading another skywritten message] "How do you divide seventeen apples among sixteen people?"
- Robin: Make applesauce!
- Batman: [thinking out loud] Apples into applesauce - A unification into one smooth mixture. An egg - nature's perfect container. The container of all our hopes for the future.
- Robin: A unification and a container of hope? United World Organization!
- Batman: Precisely, Robin! And there's a special meeting of the Security Council today. If what I fear is true...
- Robin: Wow! Let's commandeer a taxi!
- Batman: No, Robin. Not at this time of day. Luckily, we're in tip-top condition. It'll be faster if we run. Let's go!
- The Penguin: Ahoy there! Could you chaps direct me to a policeman? Commodore Schmidlapp's the name. Big Ben Distilleries, you know.
- [Batman and Robin look at each other]
- Robin: Holy costume party! That's the Penguin.
- Batman: Obviously.
- Robin: What's his game, I wonder?
- [Batman turns back to the Penguin]
- Batman: What's your game, Penguin?
- The Penguin: Penguin? Waugh, waugh, waugh! No, my name's Schmidlapp, old boy, Schmidlapp.
- Miss Kitka: [to Batman] If you please, to take off the mask to give the better picture?
- Commissioner Gordon: Great Scott! Batman take off his mask?
- Chief O'Hara: The woman must be mad!
- Batman: Please... Chief O'Hara... all of you. This young lady is a stranger to our shores. Her request is not unnatural, however, impossible to grant.
- Miss Kitka: Impossible?
- Batman: Indeed. If Robin and I were to remove our masks, the secret of our true identities would be revealed.
- Commissioner Gordon: Completely destroying their value as ace crimefighters.
- Chief O'Hara: Sure, ma'am. Not even Commisioner Gordon and meself know who they really are.
- Robin: In fact, our own relatives we live with don't know.
- Miss Kitka: But your so curious costumes...
- Robin: Don't be put off by them, ma'am. Underneath this garb, we're perfectly ordinary Americans.
- Miss Kitka: You are like the masked vigilantes in the Westerns, no?
- Commissioner Gordon: Certainly not! Batman and Robin are fully deputized agents of the law.
- Robin: Support your police! That's our message!
- Batman: Well said, Robin... and no better way to end this press conference... thank you, and good day.
- Picnicking Man: [looking up at the Batcopter in the sky] Ah, gives a feller a good feeling knowing they're up there doing their job.
- The Riddler: I see the way to do it! We'll play each of our treacherous trumps in one hand, and we'll do it right here!
- The Penguin: How?
- The Riddler: How? The end! The end, oh...
- [giggles]
- The Riddler: We shall spring them from the Joker's jack-in-the-box through that window, out over the sea, and into the waiting arms of the Penguin's exploding octopus!
- [giggles again]
- The Riddler: The trigger: one of my riddles, of course, and the bait: you! Catwoman!
- The Catwoman: You dismal bird! You and your submarine, where has it got us now?
- The Penguin: Shut up, you feline floozy!
- The Catwoman: [meows] You're going to see the purr-fect crime when I get Batman in my claws!
- [hisses]
- The Riddler: [referring to Batman and Robin, of the Penguin] They've already been through one of his fishy explosions, and yet they're still very much alive!
- [the Penguin's submarine has been fired upon by Batman and Robin]
- The Catwoman: Penguin, you know I can't take water!
- The Penguin: You cowardly kitten! You want to live forever?
- [first lines]
- Narrator: This yacht is bringing a revolutionary scientific invention to Gotham City. On a peaceful afternoon motor ride, millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward Dick Grayson have been summoned back to Wayne Manor by an urgent but anonymous call for help; the invention *and* its custodian are reported in grave danger aboard the yacht! Never ones to shirk responsibility, Bruce and Dick, with characteristic speed and resolve, descend promptly into the Batcave, and then, as they have done many times before, as *Batman and Robin*, courageous warriors against crime, they are off once again to the rescue!
- Miss Kitka: About that dream you had...
- Bruce Wayne: Do we dare?
- Miss Kitka: Why not?
- Bruce Wayne: Yes, of course. Why not? Of what use is a dream if not a blueprint for courageous action?
- Miss Kitka: Oh, into action, Comrade.
- Bruce Wayne: Miss Kitka, I have the strangest feeling that l am about to be utterly and madly carried away.
- Commissioner Gordon: A fine job, Batman. You allayed their fears magnificently.
- Batman: What else could I have done, Commissioner? If I told the truth, panic will grip the city.
- Chief O'Hara: The truth. Sure, and what is the truth?
- Batman: A decoy. A strange anonymous warning that Commodore Schmidlapp is in danger to lure me into a trap.
- Commissioner Gordon: A fiendish attempt on Batman's life.
- Chief O'Hara: You mean when they were luring you to a watery grave, the commodore's yacht has been hijacked in some places?
- Batman: Precisely.
- Commissioner Gordon: And who behind it? Not a clue.
- Batman: Tell me, Commissioner: What known supercriminals are at large just now?
- Commissioner Gordon: I'll check at once, Batman. Bonnie, let's have the latest status report on supercriminals still at large.
- Bonnie: Yes, Commissioner.
- Commissioner Gordon: Thank you, Bonnie. Coming up, Batman, on the closed-circuit TV screen. Come over here.
- [the quartet move to the closed-circuit TV screen on the wall]
- Closed Circuit TV Screen: Status report. Known supercriminals not currently imprisoned.
- Batman: The Penguin.
- Commissioner Gordon: That pompous, waddling master of foul play, maestro of a million criminal umbrellas.
- Robin: The Joker.
- Chief O'Hara: Devilish clown prince of crime! Oh, if I only had a nickel for every time he's baffled us!
- Commissioner Gordon: What, the Riddler loose too?
- Batman: So it seems. Loose to plague us with his criminal conundrums.
- Robin: Gosh! And the Catwoman!
- Closed Circuit TV Screen: End of status report.
- The Catwoman: Riddler.
- The Riddler: Yes?
- The Catwoman: You're mad, Riddler. Penguin finished Batman by now.
- The Riddler: Why, that miserable waddling mountebank of a bird! He couldn't finish a bag of popcorn!
- The Penguin: Now hear this, now hear this. This is your Captain speaking. My fine pinioned pirates, we're approaching the tricky buoy! Sharpen your cutlasses! There may be skullduggery ahead!
- The Penguin: There are two eggs this wily bird is going to scramble: Batman and Robin! Waugh, waugh, waugh, waugh!
- The Catwoman: [speaking to her pet cat, Hecate] Sic 'em, Hecate. Scratch out their eyes.
- The Penguin: Take away that ravenous panther!
- The Riddler: So help me, Catwoman, I'll feed him to the birds.
- The Joker: I'll incapacitate the beast with my trick confetti!