The Toy Box

In "Boogie Nights" Burt Reynold's porno director character has this hilarious monologue where he talks about his "dream" of making a porno film that people will sit and watch to the end even after they have. . . (well, see "Boogie Nights" if you haven't). Anyway, this is one of those rare movies. In fact, I'm sure most of the porn addicts out there would probably hate it because it's too flat-out weird to really be very erotic. But I actually admire sex movies that have the guts NOT to be the same old boring "erotic" crap. If you have seen and enjoyed "Cafe Flesh", "The Devil in Miss Jones",and "Let My Puppets Come" (the first and, to my knowledge, only hardcore porno puppet movie) you'll probably appreciate this film . On the other hand, if you're the type that eagerly lines up every week for the latest Jenna Jameson shot-on-video sex opus, don't bother.

First, about the plot--there is no plot. And that's good. There is nothing more annoying than when a movie like this tries to have plot. Imagine you have an hour and half or so to kill, but every five or ten minutes you have to have sex for five or ten minutes, you probably wouldn't get much done in that time, and you certainly wouldn't develop much as a character (especially if you were being played by your average porn star who couldn't act his or her way out of a crisp paper sack). This movie is ineptly made in some ways. Obviously, the dubbing is terrible (porno movies are dubbed?--who knew). But the best you can hope for in a movie like this is a lot of interesting scenes, and this movie has them in spades. What I enjoyed most about this movie was the cinematography (not surprisingly the director worked mainly as a cinematographer), and the truly unique dream-like atmosphere it creates. This isn't a pedestrian sex fantasy--it's a cross between a warped wet dream and a really, really strange nightmare. It's basically a surrealist soft-core porno movie.

I would like to see the movie before I could give you a review.

It's the presence of Uschi Digard and Malta that make this film seeing at all. I wonder if this was the first erotic simulated sex combination horror scifi film. One thing is for sure, it's one of the weirdest wildest erotic films ever made. It plays like an x-rated twilight zone or outer limits episode. The actresses have great bodies especially Uschi and Malta. Marsha Jordan also makes a brief appearance in the orgy scene but don't blink or you'll miss her. It even borrows part of its film score from (are you ready for this) the original INVADERS FROM MARS (the classic scifi movie of the 50's!) The orgy scene is done pretty well. I'm not really giving anything away here because in every erotic film of this period there were orgy scenes and in some movies there were even two or three such scenes. Uschi has a great body and her two scenes are very erotic. The first one she basically is masturbating on top of a bed with (we assume) a guy under the sheets to make us believe the bed she is on is possessed. The second scene she is in is the orgy scene where she is having simulated sex, riding on top of a guy.

Said it before and I'll say it again … WHO comes up with flamboyant, perverted and totally utterly demented story lines like this!?! The script for "The Toy Box" feels like it's actually the collective work of a group of criminally insane mental patients that urgently need extra therapy and/or heavier medication. But hey, the plot may be completely bonkers; at least it's not a dull and overlong series of unrelated soft-core porn sequences like too many contemporary films from that era (and also released on the Something Weird label) are. The least you have to admit is that the themes hinted at in "The Toy Box" will keep you alert, curious and even a bit fascinated, especially because the whole thing gets crazier and more surreal with every little twist. Dig this: once per month, a large group of ultra-horny people gathers at a mansion belonging to an elderly guy they all call Uncle, where they put up a sexy show (illustrating a fantasy, modeling bizarre outfits, etc…) and receive good money for it. This time, uncle is sitting dead in his chair in the attic, but it doesn't seem to matter for the guests as they continue to perform their acts in front of his decomposing body. Whilst trying to get out, one couple even discovers that uncle's persona is simply a cover-up for a criminal network of aliens who are abducting sexually overactive human beings and sell them on their own planet as drugs! How about that! With a slight bit of imagination you could even claim this is a forerunner of Peter Jackson's "Bad Taste", in which potato-headed aliens slice up an entire little town in order to serve them in an intergalactic chain of fast-food restaurants! But obviously the substantial madness in "The Toy Box" is only secondary to massive amount of sex footage. There's some to satisfy all tastes and preferences, including masturbation, lesbian action, orgies, sex toys, S&M, role-playing and plain old heterosexual games. The footage is remarkably more arousing than in most similar film and, surprisingly enough, not nearly as vulgar or OTT kinky as I anticipated. The cast exists of a bunch of ugly guys with too much body hair and – naturally – an army of exquisitely beautiful and voluptuous vixens. Uschi Digard depicts the ultimate sex-siren (performing a one-woman-show on a living bed) but she receives excellent torrid support from various lesser-known hotties, even including one of Paris Hilton's relatives (I think). Sure this is bad, but inarguably unique and definitely recommended to cult fanatics with a morbid fascination for the bizarre.

The Toy Box is something of a crossover between a porn flick and a mystery themed horror movie, and it doesn't manage to lampoon either of these two genres. However, that's not to say that this is necessarily a bad film; it's certainly not a particularly good one, but through it's bizarreness; there's something here worth watching. It's clear that the plot wasn't the foremost thing on director Ronald Víctor García's mind, so instead he just packed his film with sex, but there is a plot here and it focuses on a mysterious 'uncle' who hosts weird parties in which people are paid to perform erotic acts. This party is a bit different to usual as uncle's not there; or at least not alive and the guests must perform in front of his corpse. I can't say that this film is particularly erotic and that's why it doesn't succeed as a porn film. I've seen quite a lot of porn in my lifetime, however, so I can forgive this one for not being erotic and focus on the good things about the sex scenes - and the fact that they're weird and different to the norm is a good thing if you ask me because it means the film is a little different. Naturally the whole thing is completely inept and the acting is horrible, but obviously no one goes into a seventies porn expecting a masterpiece. There's a stupid twist at the end, but if you make it to the end of this film; you're unlikely to care by then anyway. Overall, I can't say that The Toy Box is brilliant or a must see, but it's better than I thought it would be and it comes somewhat recommended.