Guru, the Mad Monk

I just went on Google Video to watch this, one of a double feature presented on Torgo's Drive-In (the other feature being I Drink Your Blood which I have yet to see). At 56 minutes, I found this Andy Milligan-directed horror movie fascinating with the constant pounding score and Dragnet-like stilted dialogue abounding throughout. Having said that, I actually found the story pretty entertaining and I found myself partially caring for the sympathetic characters. Many of the gore scenes, while very amateurish, were also fun to watch in a can-you-believe-their-doing-this way. And having a hunchback that sometimes speaks clearly was also a hoot! So on that note, I'm recommending Guru, the Mad Monk to bad movie buffs everywhere. P.S. On Torgo's Drive-In, this movie was preceded by some ads for the concession stand and previews of Carnival of Blood, The Thing with Two Heads, and Teenage Mother. Oh, and the print I saw had the synchronization off by several seconds.

Guru the Mad Monk (1970)

BOMB (out of 4)

Another film from the infamous Andy Milligan. Guru is the monk at a local prison where prisoners are beaten, executed and so on. Blah, blah, blah. The entire film runs 56-minutes and I was wanting to hit the FF button each and every single minute. The film is horribly made with horrible acting, horrible directing and everything else is equally horrible. Milligan has the reputation of being one of the worst directors ever and I'd certainly have to agree with that. The movies has no pacing and really doesn't have anything going for it.

Let's see... We have Hunchback of Notre Dame, shades of Burke and Hare, a little Lady Carmilla... Just everything that Milligan could cram in, he did. (Motor scooters in the 17th century be damned!) Sometimes the actors rise above the dreck, but not this time. Our lead "hero" sleepwalks his way through the movie making him look less intelligent than the poor hunchback.

The lead actress is quite beautiful IMO, but her fake eyelashes and pixie cut hair do are just a LITTLE out of place. (But so is the aforementioned scooter and a light switch or two) I've become so enamored with Milligan's films.

Thank God I had the chance to see this thing! Did you understand how I felt watching CARNIVAL OF BLOOD? Well, you ain't seen nothing yet! If you're one of the few lucky ones to read this message, prepare yourself to witness the greatest cinematic catastrophe mankind will ever encounter since Neil Armstrong landed on the moon! Before you start blabbing to your friends and loved ones that PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE is the worst movie ever made, tell them GURU THE MAD MONK is the most horrifying movie that ever existed! And I'm not talking about the things that go bump in the night! No, I'm talking about how experienced film producers with a college education would make such a BAD piece of cinematic trash for the whole world to see! At 57 minutes, Andy Milligan and friends created a rush job in getting this movie released to the local drive-ins in hopes of earning quick revenues. A bunch of poorly trained actors and a ludicrously atrocious script explains why. Things don't get any worse in Badmovieland!

Get a barf bag, NOW!!! You'll be glad you did!

Some of the highlights in GURU THE MAD MONK are light years beyond deliriousness. You won't believe the possibilities of the human senses! They include:

***A bishop standing on Guru's cape and ripping it! You can actually hear the sound of it!

***Olga, who stutters in her sentences and can't make up her mind on what to say!

***A villager who gets executed in a small pair of corduroys!

***The opening movie title made up of magnetic toy lettering!

And much, much, MUCH more!

Watch GURU THE MAD MONK all the way through for the first time without stopping and I'll guarantee you've survived a one-way ticket to Drive-In Hell with minor first-degree burns! I strongly recommend this one for viewers with bad taste and who are die-hard collectors of obscure cinema.

Lord have mercy!!!!

GURU, THE MAD MONK is another dismally delightful offering from Director Andy Milligan. The basic story is about Father Guru (Neil Flanagan), who needs cadavers for his experiments. Luckily, he knows someone at the local prison, where there are plenty of executions to keep him supplied with subjects.

All of the requisite, Milligan trademarks are here: Non-actors "acting" in a style akin to mannequins on wires; painful, unrehearsed, just-wing-it dialogue; petrified pacing; thrift store costumes; a nonsensical "plot"; and sub-home movie filming techniques. The torture / death scenes are particularly rib-tickling!

Guru himself is a living absurdity, with his garage sale wig and paper pope suit. His conversation with himself in the mirror is a marvel of idiot cinema! Thankfully, this movie isn't quite as brain-smashingly dull as most Milligan output. It profits greatly from its ineptitude, making it a laugh-out-loud classic!

Guru's hunchback sidekick, Igor, is the best imbecile since MANOS' Torgo. The way he bobbles along is almost musical! There's also the cranky old vampire woman, Olga, who runs around in some otherworldly headdress, apparently made from curtains and pot holders!

Nothing can possibly prepare you for the dunderheaded, bellringing finale!

Mr. Milligan, we salute you!...