- Betsy Potter: Let's try some arithmetic. If you had six apples and your neighbor took three apples, what would you have?
- Evil Roy Slade: A dead neighbor and all six apples.
- Betsy Potter: I love you, Roy.
- Evil Roy Slade: Nobody's ever said that to me before.
- Aggie Potter: Move, buzzard breath!
- Evil Roy Slade: THAT'S been said to me before.
- Flossie: [Roy is breaking up the gang] Roy, you aren't going to leave me alone are you? I love you.
- Evil Roy Slade: [pause] Alright, who wants Flossie?
- Evil Roy Slade: You know what nice is? Suppose there was a whole herd of dead cattle, dropped dead on the field, just for you. That's what nice is.'
- Evil Roy Slade: Take that big fiddle out from between your legs. There are ladies present.
- Cellist: But sir...
- Evil Roy Slade: I don't want no trouble, you just tuck it up under your chin like a fiddle's 'sposed to be played... now!
- [pulls gun]
- Cellist: Yes sir. Right now sir.
- [trying to play cello like a giant violin & smiling]
- Evil Roy Slade: That's good.
- Betsy Potter: I'm sad that there's so much evil in your heart.
- Evil Roy Slade: It's in my heart and in my hands, in my eyes - and a lot in my feet, I love kicking!
- Evil Roy Slade: [after making a deposit] Uh, I changed my mind. Give me my money back. In fact...
- [pulls out a gun]
- Evil Roy Slade: Give me *everybody's* money back!
- Evil Roy Slade: This straight life ain't for me. It's too boring. My idea of a nine to five job is nine men robbing five men!
- Toy Cowboy: [Grabbing Evil Roy from behind]
- Evil Roy Slade: Get off my back little boy!
- Toy Cowboy: I'm 46 years old don't call me your little boy!
- Nelson Stool: I learned two valuble lessons today: never trust a dumb nephew or a... slobbering bulldog.
- Doctor Delp: Try harder, Roy. Try to cry. If you can release one tear, it'll help you
- Evil Roy Slade: I don't know how to cry.
- Doctor Delp: Think. Think harder. Think about your lonely youth: no friends, no home, no warmth, no affection... cactus in your diaper
- [Slade starts sobbing]
- Doctor Delp: Yes! Yes, there's a tear! We're curing you!
- Doctor Delp: This is the ultimate test! I want you to shed your weapons... and walk across the room!
- Evil Roy Slade: I cain't! I don't goin' nowhere without my guns! I even take a bath with my guns!
- Doctor Delp: You don't NEED them, Roy! Take them off and walk! Oh Roy, try! Take off your weapons!
- [Roy removes holster]
- Doctor Delp: Good!... Is that everything?
- [Roy reaches up his sleeve for a knife]
- Doctor Delp: Whew! Anyting else?
- [Roy removes gun from his sock]
- Doctor Delp: Oh, a little one, huh? Ok. Is that all?
- [Roy removes a bomb from behind his back]
- Doctor Delp: Oh my goodness!
- Evil Roy Slade: [wobbly & sounding retarded] Ahhhhhhhhhhheeeeeee! I got... no... weapons!
- Doctor Delp: [moves across the room] Walk. Here, walk to me. WALK TO ME, ROY! WALK TO ME, ROY!
- [Roy staggers & falls]
- Doctor Delp: ROY!
- Evil Roy Slade: I cain't! I cain't! I cain't do it! Cain't!
- Doctor Delp: You CAN do it! Try again! Try again, Roy! Come on, Roy! Come on. Come on.
- [staggers and falls again]
- Doctor Delp: Ohhhhhh!
- Evil Roy Slade: [sobbing!] I cain't do it!
- Doctor Delp: You CAN do it!
- Evil Roy Slade: I cain't!
- Doctor Delp: Ack! Walk to me! Ohhh, Roy walk to me you sniveling little coward! Walk!
- [Roy gets angry]
- Doctor Delp: Oooh!
- Evil Roy Slade: Who you callin'... A COWARD? Yeeeeeaahhh!
- [gets up, lunges at Delp and strangles him]
- Doctor Delp: [strangled voice] Roy! Roy, you did it. You walked without your gun!
- Evil Roy Slade: Ahh... I did! A-ha-ha. I walked without my gun!
- Doctor Delp: Oh Roy!
- [hugs him mumbling 'I knew you could do it' as Roy looks awkward]
- Evil Roy Slade: I KNEW he was one of them funny boys!
- Marshal Bing Bell: [laughs] Slade, you've given me trouble for the last time, the reward says dead OR alive. How you wanna go?
- [plucks guitar]
- Marshal Bing Bell: E Sharp?
- [plucks again]
- Marshal Bing Bell: Or B Flat? Hmm?
- Evil Roy Slade: I ain't gonna kill him, I'm gonna do something a lot meaner. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!
- Marshal Bing Bell: [smug] What's that?
- Evil Roy Slade: I'm gonna shoot this guitar full of lead.
- Marshal Bing Bell: [panicking] No! No, Slade, no! No, n-n-n-not my guitar, Slade! No, it's the only thing I ever LOVED, Slade!
- [runs in front of guitar and takes bullet]
- Marshal Bing Bell: ... 'cept ME!
- Evil Roy Slade: Whoops!
- Evil Roy Slade: [addressing his men] Boys, as we stand here, ready to rob our last stage, I want you to remember the five most important things that I taught you.
- [Slade squats and writes the first letter of each word in the dirt with his hand]
- Evil Roy Slade: Sneaking, Lying, Arrogance, Dirtiness and Evil. Put them all together and they spell "Slade!"
- [Slade raises his hand to stop the cheers of his men]
- Evil Roy Slade: Enough warmth.
- Evil Roy Slade: Darn girl. Makes me do a lotta thinkin'. Lemme see, a brand new name... Evil John Ferguson.
- [shakes head]
- Evil Roy Slade: Nah. Evil Fred Noland.
- [shakes head]
- Evil Roy Slade: Nah. Evil Lee Rich.
- [grins and then shakes head]
- Evil Roy Slade: Nah.
- [to his horse]
- Evil Roy Slade: What d'you think?
- [horse snorts]
- Evil Roy Slade: Yer too dumb.
- Evil Roy Slade: Hideout.
- Doctor Delp: Wanted.
- Evil Roy Slade: Poster.
- Doctor Delp: Bear.
- Evil Roy Slade: Teddy.
- Doctor Delp: What?
- Evil Roy Slade: Nothin'. Next question.
- Doctor Delp: What did you SAY?
- Evil Roy Slade: I didn't say nothin'!
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