The Phynx

I finally bought a copy of this film on DVD from an online seller, and it is truly dreadful. It has a running time of 81 minutes but it felt like 4 hours. I only bought it to see the many cameo appearances of stars young and old, but some of them are so brief that you have to watch every second of the film to catch them. Richard Pryor introduces himself and then he's gone! The best part of the film is at the end when Pat O'Brien is reunited with former Dead End Kids Leo Gorcey and Huntz Hall. Leo looks positively ancient, even though he was only 51 at the time. He died of liver failure shortly after shooting his scenes. His heavy drinking really took its toll. The writing on this film is horrendous, and the acting is worse than any Ed Wood film. I completely agree with Warner Brothers' decision to shelve this film and never release it, even though they probably spent a good deal of money to make it. It's an embarrassment and painful to watch. I hope to someday see Jerry Lewis' never-released "The Day the Clown Cried," another legendary bad film, so I can compare it to "The Phynx."

Hoo boy -- the only thing worse than a bad comedy is a bad comedy from the Vietnam era, especially one that was clearly made by old people who distrusted and feared the youth movement.

So on the shelf with "Skidoo" and "Smashing Time," try and stock a copy of "The Phynx," a ridiculous spy spoof featuring some very forgettable Leiber/Stoller songs (the band-in-the-movie's big hit is "What Is Your Sign?") and a whole lot of over-the-hill Hollywood notables (and Colonel Sanders!).

This movie is pretty hard to find, and it's probably just as well -- the only thing interesting about it is how obscure it is.

Well, I finally caught up with the true rarity entitled "The Phynx" (1970). In this rock and roll/secret agent spoof, many American celebrities have been disappearing after visiting the Communist country of Albania, and the U.S. government has decided to rescue them and put a stop to this. Their super computer, MUTHA, suggests forming a rock band that will be invited to play in Albania; the members of the band will be trained secret agents who will do their best to get the celebs released. Thus, four teenagers are selected and given the necessary musical and secret agent training. Dubbed The Phynx, the band does eventually prove a smash and gets invited to play in Albania. Anyway, this picture is truly a one-of-a-kind experience, with any number of goofy gags and fairly groovy rock numbers (by the famed songwriting team of Leiber & Stoller!). But its claim to fame today surely has to be the number of guest stars who pop up in cameo roles throughout the film; not since "It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World" has any film boasted so many celebs! Thus, look at who pops up here: Michael Ansara, George Tobias, Joan Blondell, Ultra Violet, Patty Andrews (of The Andrews Sisters), Edgar Bergen, James Brown, Xaviar Cugat, Andy Devine, Rona Barrett, Busby Berkeley, Dick Clark, Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, Louis Hayward, George Jessel, Ruby Keeler, Dorothy Lamour, Guy Lombardo, Joe Louis, Trini Lopez, Butterfly McQueen, Pat O'Brien, Maureen O'Sullivan, Richard Pryor, Martha Raye, Harold "Oddjob" Sakata, Colonel Sanders, Ed Sullivan, Jay Silverheels, Rudy Vallee AND Johnny Weissmuller. Whew! Pretty amazing, right? The film was directed by somebody named Lee H. Katzin and in all is as mind boggling a 90 minutes as you're ever likely to come across. A recommended time capsule, to be sure!

Communists have kidnapped some of the most important people in the world. Specifically, the "Snatch List" of favorite personalities is: George Jessel, Dorothy Lamour, Colonel Sanders, Butterfly McQueen, Edgar Bergen, Charlie McCarthy, Xavier Cugat and Johnny Weissmuller. They are being held hostage in the Communist bloc country Albania. Naturally, this shocks the free world. As you would expect, the US secret spy group SSA (as CIA) is called into action. Of course, they ask super-computer MOTHA (or Mechanical Oracle That Helps Americans) for help. Check out her slot. The plan is to, "Form a pop musical group and get invited to Albania." They musical group "Phynx" will be trained as spies, get invited to Albania, and free the hostages...

The rock 'n' roll stars selected for spy stardom are the following quartet: bespectacled collegiate protester Dennis Larden, Native American "pansy" Ray Chippeway, handsome young jockey shorted A. Michael Miller, and "Afro-American" TV ad pitchman Lonnie Stevens. During a later orgy, Mr. Chippeway's "pansy" potential is undermined. While the group is being trained, the nasty Communists from Albania kidnap more American leaders. A TV news reporter (Rona Barrett) reveals the new victims as Maureen O'Sullivan, Pat O'Brien and Patty Andrews. Most shocking of all is the kidnapping of Busby Berkeley. Many more disappear, including boxing champion Joe Louis. As was hoped, the Phynx achieves Beatle-like status and is invited to Albania...

In a sexy subplot forwarded by Martha Raye, the Phynx and their spy managers must find pieces of a map. The map is painted on the bodies of sexually attractive young women, seen frequently in their bikinis and underwear. At one point, the Phynx lads are given rose-colored X-Ray glasses which magically show everyone in their underwear. The scenes showing random Romans in their underwear is most memorable. In one of the film's highlights, look for what the glasses reveal about the undergarments worn by Catholic nuns. Chippeway also reveals Native Americans may have been secretly Catholic. The final scenes show hostess Joan Blondell and all the important US celebrities and important people among those snatched by Communists...

If you've watched until the end of "The Phynx", you know the film is a failure. After some inviting animated opening credits and a good transition to live action, it's a slow and unfunny trip to the finish line. Produced by Bob Booker and George Foster, the movie makes a common mistake. "The Phynx" misunderstands and shows little respect for the "counterculture" it attempts to court, assuming it wanted an audience of movie viewers to line up at box offices around the country in 1970. Adding pseudo-rock music, long-hair wigs, mini-skirts and a sitar doesn't make you a hippie. As directed by Lee H. Katzin, some of the spy stuff is clever, though, especially scenes involving Lou Antonio (as Corrigan) before he's given new threads. Dick Clark was not thrilled...

In general, the soundtrack for "The Phynx" is miserable. Astonishingly, those in charge of the music are Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller. The songwriter/producers' many classics include "Jailhouse Rock" (Elvis Presley) and "Stand by Me" (Ben E. King). An explanation for the substandard work may be that Leiber-Stoller specialized in the 1950s, when this assignment was for a swinging 1960s soundtrack. Of the four actors playing "The Phynx", Dennis Larden, at least, was an accomplished musician. With his group Every Mother's Son, Mr. Larden released a largely undiscovered slice of sunshiny 1960s psychedelia called "The Proper Four Leaf Clover" / "Put Your Mind at Ease" (1967). Too bad they couldn't get Phil Spector...

There are many recognizable actors, but most young moviegoers would not have known most of the acclaimed Albanian victims. For some odd reason, the "guest starring" cast is bogged down by long-forgotten celebrities. Colonel Sanders would be familiar from his "Kentucky Fried Chicken" ads, but people like Pat O'Brien weren't even on the fringes of 1970 pop culture. You won't see Greta Garbo or John Wayne, here. You do get "Bowery Boys" Leo Gorcey and Huntz Hall, appearing together for the last time. And, when Johnny Weissmuller gives Maureen O'Sullivan a final kiss, their words will ring a bell. That's right, they were "Tarzan" and "Jane". A bell would have been nice for their scenic moment. Alas, "The Phynx" is just a curious old relic.

*** The Phynx (5/6/1970) Lee H. Katzin ~ Lou Antonio, Mike Kellin, Dennis Larden, Ray Chippeway

Hollywood tried so hard to assimilate the new hippie movement in their TV shows and movies and usually got it way wrong. so many films failed to do the "mix", SKIDOO, I LOVE YOU ALICE B. TOKLAS, etc.

The Phynx boasts a huge cast of Hollywood idols and can actually stand alone on that basis! Old stars, solo, or with their partners, are "relocated" to a huge estate, held hostage by the supposed "new" generation of entertainer...and indeed, when James Brown and 1969-70 entourage arrive, as ambassadors of the new music industry, we are impressed.

Songwriters Leiber and Stoller wrote the songs for this bizarre experiment and none are any good. That's why James Brown should have done a song or two from his own catalogue. OK, OK...................

Getting' back to those "old" stars: there are many here which justify the proverbial price of admission. I bought the DVD for the 1970 version of Gorcey and Hall. No laffs. But a gas to behold, so many years later!