The Iron Maiden

Technically weak, but then I'm an anorak. Delightful story, and invaluable film of the early steam preservation movement in the UK. It is good to see so many traction engines and steam rollers Did I mention the "Safety Valve"? To those in the know I don't need to, the throbbing, sweaty looking brass thing in front of the driver is supposed to be a safety valve, it is in fact a lubricator and clouting it with a hammer would make no difference whatsoever. (Also it is in totally the wrong place!) At the time of filming The Iron Maiden (or Kitchener to give her her proper name) was owned by a gentleman called John Crawley who actually doubled for Anne Helm for some of the driving shots. The Iron Maiden (yes, the name stuck) is still around today and can regularly be seen at various steam rallies around the countryside. All technical inaccuracies aside, just enjoy, they don't make 'em like that any more.

Which isn't saying much, let's face it. What is it about the British and old vehicles? Not only do we love them but we insist on making movies about them ('Genevieve' and 'The Titfield Thunderbolt', both from 1953, spring to mind). This film doesn't have the classic status of these earlier films. I think the writing has to take a lot of the blame, the characters are poorly drawn and not believable, while the editing often lets down what could be a punchline.

The cast also divides between those who can play comedy (such as Cecil Parker, Noel Purcell and Jim Dale) and those who can't (the lead players unfortunately).

To my mind the funniest character is Noel Purcell's Admiral Trevelyan with his blasphemous demands to his fireman (the local Vicar): "Hell's bells! Don't just stand there! Pray, blast ya, pray!!!"

THE IRON MAIDEN is a film that feels for all the world like the producers were able to hire a traction engine for a month or so and decided to write a script around it. What follows is a typically genteel British comedy full of the usual hijinks and appearances from familiar faces; it's hardly classic material, but it remains a fun if slight feature from beginning to end.

The film was made by the director/producer team of Gerald Thomas and Peter Rogers, best known for their long-running CARRY ON series, and indeed they throw in a couple of cameos for Jim Dale and Joan Sims early on in a bid to hammer home the similarities. Unfortunately the script is saddled with a couple of stiffs for the lead roles, but the supporting cast is much more enjoyable and includes parts for the familiar likes of George Woodbridge and Sam Kydd. Best of all is the alluring Anne Helm, impossibly glamorous as the female lead.

The team of Peter Rogers & Gerald Thomas were getting into their stride when they tried to do a 'Genevieve' and to that end they splashed out on colour, rural locations, a mainstream leading man and cleaner jokes (although there's the inevitable one about "her big end".

Carry On' regulars are thin on the ground, apart from Joan Sims as Mrs Sam Kydd with Cyril Chamberlain representing the old and Jim Dale the new.

Michael Craig remains the film's biggest liability as he's far too abrasive for such a whimsical subject and never for one moment seems like the sort who'd have a penchant for traction engines.

Genevieve (1952) about the annual London to Brighton veteran car rally, and The Titfield Thunderbolt (1954) about plucky villagers running their own countryside railway, were two classic and much loved British film comedies where the charm of colourful memorable characters vied with that of quaint machinery. Iron Maiden exactly follows that formula but comprehensively fails. Why? Most obviously Michael Craig who completely lacks the wonderful redeeming charm of similar obsessives Kenneth More and John Gregson.

It may just be that the appeal of veteran cars as well as old railways was more the countryside they travelled through and that they carried people and all their goods. Steam traction engines in contrast were essentially industrial and agricultural machines - the fancy decoration only applied to fairground showmans' machines. Cars and trains intimately involve human stories - traction engines - seen here just doing circles in front of enthusiasts - don't. The late much-missed TV star steam enthusiast Fred Dibnah suffered the departure of his wife over his unshared obsession with a steam traction engine. Again, for the public, he, his charm and his very human story was the interest, not the ironmongery.

That traction engine obsessive Craig is also a cutting edge aircraft designer is not explained or persuasive. Apart from rare quality footage of the Victor nuclear bomber standing in for a new airliner, the aviation plot is limp.

The film trundles along the runway without ever gathering enough speed take off.