- Captain Wellington Crowther: I'm going to be blunt, and make some very cutting remarks.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: To be sure, sir, that's a contradiction in terms, but then English is a very curious language!
- Captain Wellington Crowther: If you interrupt me once more, Mr... .?
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: Marjoribanks, sir.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: You interrupt me once more, mate, and you'll hear some really curious language!
- Captain Wellington Crowther: Paperwork: not my favourite occupation.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: Nor mine.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: It's going to be from now on.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: Charming.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: Health Report, Dock Report, Crew Report, Food Report, Log Report, Sports Report, Diesel Oil and Fuel Report.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: [singing] And a partridge in a pear tree!
- [Haines, while looking for the kitchen, enters a small cabin]
- Wilfred Haines: Well, this isn't the kitchen!
- Tom Tree: I should say not. It's the Captain's day cabin.
- Wilfred Haines: [looking around] Cozy, very cozy. I don't suppose you know where the kitchen is?
- Tom Tree: Sorry, chum, I'm a stranger round here myself.
- Wilfred Haines: Another new face? You'll cop the lot!
- [Haines exits]
- Drunk Passenger: Love, hey?
- Dr Arthur Binn: How did you know?
- Drunk Passenger: That's why I drink. To forget her.
- Dr Arthur Binn: Forget who?
- Drunk Passenger: Blessed if I can remember.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: I always find the first few days make me feel quite drowsy.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: Shut your port-hole.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: Begging your pardon, sir, one must have fresh...
- Captain Wellington Crowther: ...and your cake-hole.
- Dr Arthur Binn: Every time I look at you I hear music.
- Flo Castle: Every time I look at you I think of music.
- Dr Arthur Binn: You do?
- Flo Castle: Colonel Bogey. Excuse me.
- [Flo exits as was her intention with the statement]
- Wilfred Haines: [Haines, having come to sick bay for a sea-sickness cure, refuses to have an injection in his arm] I can't bear to see the needle going in, you see.
- Dr Arthur Binn: Well, in that case there's only one other place for it to go. Drop 'em!
- Wilfred Haines: I'm not holding them, whatever they are!
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: I gather the Doctor means your trousers.
- Wilfred Haines: Oh. What!
- [Captain Crowther enters his cabin, and finds Tom Tree putting clothes in the drawers]
- Captain Wellington Crowther: Don't tell me. You're my new steward. Lovall has broken his leg. You've only done three trips, all from Tower Bridge to Margate.
- Tom Tree: That's right, sir. How can you tell?
- Captain Wellington Crowther: I'm psychic!
- [the Captain glances at his list]
- Captain Wellington Crowther: Tom Tree.
- Tom Tree: That's right, sir. Branches everywhere!
- Dr Arthur Binn: [in a very bad Spanish accent] Ole, señor!
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: Oh, hello Binn.
- Dr Arthur Binn: No, señor. I am the famous Torero from Madrid.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: You look exactly like our medical officer, Dr Binn.
- Dr Arthur Binn: No, Señor. This afternoon I fight fifteen bulls.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: That's an awful lot of bull.
- Dr Arthur Binn: Well, my father he breeds the famous fighting bulls, you know. Every year, fifty thousand bulls he sends off by ship to South America.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: Fifty thousand bulls?
- Dr Arthur Binn: Si, si. Also every year, twenty thousand more he ships off to France.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: That's seventy thousand bulls.
- Dr Arthur Binn: Si, si. One of the biggest bullshippers in the business.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: [walking into bar] Who are you?
- Sam Turner: Me, sir? Turner, sir.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: Turner?
- Sam Turner: Turner, sir.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: What are you doin' 'ere?
- Sam Turner: Head barman, sir.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: You can't be head barman. Angus is my head barman.
- Sam Turner: [smiling] Not anymore, sir.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: Not any more? They can't do this to me! Changing a barman? It's like ripping out the engine!
- Glad Trimble: l shall be taking coffee alone, Miss Castle.
- Flo Castle: l do not say l hope it chokes you, Miss Trimble, l merely gloat over the possibility.
- Wilfred Haines: Well, well, what's this conference all about then?
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: Now gentlemen, to this Captain, we are new faces. And thus such, our every word, our every action, is subject to infinitesimal scrutiny.
- Dr Arthur Binn: He means the Captain's got his beady eye on us.
- Tom Tree: Oh-ho!
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: Precisely. Now gentleman, I take it we all yearn to serve on the new Atlantic liner?
- Wilfred Haines, Tom Tree, Sam Turner: Oh, yes! Of course. Yes.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: Good, good. Now the mind of the Captain works in a strange way. Let one newcomer make an error, or commit an indiscretion, or...
- Dr Arthur Binn: Drop a clanger, lads.
- [Tom, Turner and Haines all nod in understanding]
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: And all newcomers are all tarred with the same brush. Prejudice this may be, but fact it undoubtedly is. Gentlemen, have I your agreement for policy for unremitting quasi-Teutonic organizational perfectionism?
- Dr Arthur Binn: [sighing] He means fingers out.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: So heave to, gentlemen. Our first major opportunity to impress is now!. Tonight!
- Captain Wellington Crowther: [on the phone] Get me the First Officer.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: [as Marjoribanks knocks on door twice immediately after the Captain's statement and enters] Come in. What delayed you?
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: I'm terribly sorry, sir.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: During the War I did Arctic runs that would've made HMS Ulysses look like a trip to Brighton. Without getting a scratch! Two days on a simple cruise with you lot and look at me!
- Captain Wellington Crowther: [answering a knock at the door] Come in!
- Wilfred Haines: [humming cheerfully as he enters] Good morning sir! Some coffee to soothe your nerves. Calm you down. There, there, I always say worse things happen at sea.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: We are at sea, you land-locked nit!
- Wilfred Haines: Well, you wouldn't know it. These modern stabilizers are marvelous...
- Captain Wellington Crowther: [answering a knock on door] Come in! You're late.
- Dr Arthur Binn: Sorry, sir. A lot of work to clear up. What with his face, and his wrist, and your nut... erm... your head, sir. Well, well, well, how are we all feeling now?
- Wilfred Haines, Tom Tree, Sam Turner: Good!
- Captain Wellington Crowther: Shut up. I usually penalize defaulters by stopping 'em a day's pay. If I did that with you, you'd owe the company money. So I'll have to be content with a few words. You, for a start, Marjoribanks.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: Oh, sir, you got my name right, at last.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: I'm in the mood for using the right words. You, Marjoribanks, are a rotten...
- [the scene cuts as a seagull squawks]
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: [after he and Binn and all the others exit the Captain's dayroom] I tell you, my ears are burning.
- Dr Arthur Binn: I shouldn't wonder. Someone's been talking about you.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: Do you think he's ever studied medicine?
- Dr Arthur Binn: I wouldn't think so, no. Why?
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: In describing us, he employed a great deal of physiological terminology.
- Dr Arthur Binn: Well, he was medically incorrect in what he called you. Come on.
- [Marjoribanks looks at the Doctor in mock horror]